Carla: He bought it.
Dr. Cox: Great. Great, great, great, great. I took all his patients, and I threatened every single one of his residents under the penalty of death not to page him. One last thing left to do.
[later, Dr. Cox tapes Dan's head to the bathroom wall:]
Dan: What is this?
Dr. Cox: That's your basic homemade anti-drowning device, to be worn until your brother returns.
Dan: I like it.
Dr. Cox: Oh, boy. [Dan offers Dr. Cox his beer] Trying to cut back.

Dr. Kelso: Where the hell is my car? I parked it right there, I know I parked it- For God's sake, am I losing my mind?
[After Dr. Kelso walks away to check the parking lot, The Janitor is in Kelso's car as it's lowered down by the crane]
Dr. Kelso: What the hell?
Janitor: Tommy, take me up, he's coming back.

Dan: Hey, you want a beer?
J.D.: Abso-tively.
Dan: [drinks one can] Bathwater. [another] Backwash. [another] Here you go.
J.D.: Oh, thank you. [J.D. tosses the can in the toilet]

J.D.: Hey, Dan, if Dad were here right now, what would you say to him? [Dan belches] I think he'd be glad to hear that.
J.D.: [v.o.] Maybe it was because I finally slowed down, maybe it was remembering Dad's passion for bodily functions, I don't know. But at that moment, it all hit me. Unfortunately, I'm not sure Dan's the guy to talk about it with.
Dan: [talking to rubber duck] Slow down, little duck. Some ducks can't hold their water. [laughs] It's okay. I know.

Ted: Well, it took a whole tube of gel, but I finally got my hair down.
Dr. Kelso: No one, male or female ever cared, Ted.
Dr. Kelso: Where the hell are my reading glasses? I tell you, the last few days I've been getting to feel the ol' noodle is really letting me down.
[The Janitor swings down and grabs Ted through the open window. Ted's hair sticks out again.]
Dr. Kelso: Well, I'm sure I'm just making mountains out of molehills, don't you think, Ted? Ted!?

Dr. Cox: Hey, Wonder Bra? Do you, uh, do you have a second?
J.D.: For what?
Dr. Cox: I'm giving you a hug.
[Ted screams as he swings by the window, carried by the Janitor]
Dr. Cox: Oh. I was wondering what that crane was for. So now, how would you like this whole hug thing to go down? Do you wish to remain seated, would you like to stand? I, of course, don't care, as long as it's under three seconds and I don't feel your breath on my neck.

Turk: Do you want me to kick his ass?
J.D.: No need. I already got him back, and then some.
[flashback to Dr. Cox arriving at his car to find "Wash Me!" written on the dirty rear window]
Turk: On the window, huh?
J.D.: Uh, yeah!

J.D.: Why haven't you told her?
Turk: I'm not sure. Can I tell you something weird, though?
J.D.: You can tell me anything.
Turk: I feel like your dad dying has stolen my diabetes thunder.
J.D.: Oh my God, just this second I was thinking your diabetes is gonna get in the way of my dad dying. [both laugh] Isn't that funny?
Turk: Cool.

[As Dr. Kelso sits in his car, the Janitor drops Ted into the passenger's seat:]
Dr. Kelso: Ah!
Ted: Thanks again for inviting me to your house for dinner.
Dr. Kelso: I did?
Ted: [looks at the Janitor] Yes, sir, you did. [looks at his hair in the mirror] Aw!

J.D.: [v.o.] Telling a family their loved one has died is never easy. That's why doctors have a variety of techniques for breaking the news. There's the hand on shoulder, there's hand on hand... And, of course, the always popular, Resident Kabuki Theater.
[fantasy, J.D. is dressed in full Kabuki make-up in a patient's room:]
J.D.: I'm sorry for your loss.