Carla: Hey, what's up with the Janitor? He seems a little more lurky than usual.
J.D.: Yeah, I pissed him off earlier today. How am I supposed to avoid him?
Turk: You should put the hide-and-seek sensor on him. That way you'll always know where he is.
J.D.: It would take a very clever plan to hide this tiny penny-like sensor on him.
[later:]
Turk: Five bucks if you eat this penny.
Janitor: Done and done.
Turk: We pulled it off. See if it works.
J.D.: [beeping] My friend, we have just LoJacked the Janitor.

Elliot: Dr. Cox, I've got a patient with osteomyelitis who needs a bone biopsy. Who do you use?
Dr. Cox: You've put me in an awkward spot because I'm a healer and I want to help, but speaking to you would acknowledge your existence and you don't exist. So I'm going to address the stapler. Hi, stapler. The red is killer. By the way, there's a certain Dr. Brownsfield who is just the most wonderful bone guy. What? What's that, stapler? Oh, no. She- She's an actual doctor.
Elliot: Neither of you are very funny.

Carla: Elliot, here are your lab results.
Elliot: [high-pitched] Oh, my God, Carla.
Carla: Elliot, what's wrong?
Turk: Yeah, Elliot, honey. What's wrong?
Elliot: Nothing, I'm just very emotional because, um.. Keith dumped me. I have to go.

J.D.: All right, everybody. Before Carla arrives, I want to thank you all for turning out. Especially you, Father Rosenberg. Incidentally, when this is over, I'd love to get the back story on that name of yours, OK?

J.D.: Now, apparently they don't have fetus balloons. Who knew? So what I've done is attached string to the bellybuttons on these baby balloons to signify the umbilical cord. Make sure everybody gets one.

Elliot: Keith, you seem to have missed the point here. We're not really broken up.
Keith: I just can't believe you told Carla I made out with my sister in sixth grade.
Elliot: Yeah, I don't understand why you're so embarrassed about that. I've met Denise. She's gorgeous.

Turk: We're just gonna have to face the fact that you might not get pregnant for a very, very, very long time.
Carla: I know it's gonna happen, Turk. And you know what I'm looking forward to the most?
Turk: What's that?
Carla: When we can go around to our friends and I can tell them one-by-one, "I'm pregnant!" I can't wait to see the look of surprise on each one of their faces. I think about it every day. Anybody tries to take those moments away from me, I'll kill them.
Turk: Me too. Just need to send a quick text.

J.D.: [v.o.] Knowing someone's pregnant when they don't know it themselves can get a bit complicated.
Turk: Let me take that from you. You left the fridge open. Oh, I spilled it.
Carla: I'll get another one.
Turk: Sorry.

J.D.: [v.o.] I felt Turk was starting to blame me for all this.
[Turk throws his drink in J.D.'s face]
Turk: I spilled mine too., honey. You know what you should do? Ask for some of J. D.'s.
[J.D. pours his drink in his crotch]
J.D.: Spilled mine too.

J.D.: What are you gonna do?
Turk: I'm gonna tell her the truth and hope she's so tired from being pregnant, she doesn't have the strength to kick my ass.
J.D.: Wait, Turk. I have an idea.
Turk: You have another idea, huh? I gotta tell you I'm done with your ideas. And not just now, but forever. OK? Are we clear on that?
J.D.: It's a good 'un.
Turk: I'm listening.