Elliot: I can't remember. I am so sorry.
Dr. Cox: Sorry? What in the hell are you sorry about?
Elliot: Well, it's just Dr. Kelso yells at us when we don't know-
Dr. Cox: Oh, children, you can't let that bloated bag of hate affect you like that. And besides being a doctor is as much about finding the answers as knowing them. For instance, take Clarabelle's patient here, Mr. Yeager. Now, we have no idea what the hell's wrong with him. So we have run tests for everything from meningitis to inter-cranial mass and according to these results, oh, everything seems to have come back negative. Which doesn't necessarily mean that Clarabelle here is a failure. It just means that she's got to keep trying, no matter how frustrated she just might get. Now, of course, if you are lazy and incompetent, then, yes, that will buy you a one-way ticket out of here. Doug. Uh-huh. Listen to me carefully. Kelso can't do a damn thing to you if you just answer a question wrong. It doesn't work that way. Moving on. [to J.D.] Not you. You still have work to do. Johnny No-Tan?
Doug: Yes, sir?
Dr. Cox: I'd like you to present the next patient to me.

J.D.: You know what's great about you working in the hospital? Like, even when our dates get interrupted, we can just have a date here. Let's say for instance you wanted to watch a movie. We could just go to the conference room and watch that video on STDs. It's funny and it makes you think.

J.D.: So judging from the ataxia dysarthria, I've concluded that Mr. Yeager is suffering from kuru.
Dr. Cox: Kuru?
J.D.: Kuru.
Dr. Cox: Kuru?
J.D.: Yes, kuru.
Dr. Cox: Wow, I'd actually never thought of that.
J.D.: Hell, yeah.
Dr. Cox: Were you aware that the only documented cases of kuru were members of a cannibalistic tribe in Papua New Guinea?
J.D.: I was not.
Mr. Yeager: Actually, doc, I was in New Guinea last week.
J.D.: Really?
Mr. Yeager: No.

Turk: So, last night, when I was with Carla-
J.D.: Dude, I can't talk. I gotta figure this Mr. Yeager thing out.
Turk: Cool. Cool. Let's just say, my horse didn't finish the race. I mean, I'm at the filling station, but my credit card's declined. I'm on the jet ski-
J.D.: I got it!
Turk: Good. Because I had no idea what to say...

Todd: So when I saw you in the hall this morning and I said "How's your penis?" and you didn't wanna talk about it...
Turk: Dude. It's not me.

Dr. Kelso: I want to talk to you about rounds.
Dr. Cox: Well, here we go, Bobby. Bring it on.
Dr. Kelso: They're all yours. You will be leading them from now on.
Dr. Cox: You've stunned me, but you haven't dropped me to the mat. Kind of waiting for the roundhouse here. The old haymaker, when the yelling starts and the voice gets high-pitched. "Daddy, I've been bad. Daddy, I've been a bad boy. Oh, Daddy! Oh, Daddy! Daddy, I've been bad." Oh, come on. If you're not gonna play, it's no fun.

Elliot: Listen, Carla, I can't even pretend I can give you tips on intercourse.
Carla: I got one for you. Stop calling it that.
Elliot: My therapist thinks my trouble in bed stems from a fear of intimacy, but I think it's because any type of repetitive motion makes me nauseous. Oh, and since I was a little kid, I've always had nightmares about being crushed.
Carla: That poor shrink.

Carla: I guess I just need to know you think about that stuff too.
Turk: Carla? No, I don't. But I love it that you do.
Carla: Yeah?
Turk: That's what makes this relationship work. We're so different. I keep us in the present, you look out for what's up ahead. Besides, there is no way in hell your mother's ever going to live with us. If she ever walks in on me while I'm in the bathroom, she's getting a trip to Florida.

Dr. Cox: Well, ladies and germs, I'm telling you if you get this shorthand down, it has a way of making your day go just a little bit quicker. "CTD" being "circling the drain." Your patient is on the way out. "SOB", "shortness of breath" and "WNL", "within normal limits". Elvis, you go ahead and feel free to write this down, any time before you leave the building.

Turk: I love you.
Carla: Now say it in Spanish.
Turk: Te amo.
Carla: Now say it like Astro.
Turk: I ruv roo.
Carla: [laughs] You are very, very cute.