Ted: Um, the thing is, that you can't actually get lice from dogs. It's a different kind of lice.
Alexis: Okay, so what should she use? Should she use the flea stuff, or...
Ted: Oh no, she's fine to use the lice shampoo, but it's really more about combing them out.
Alexis: Ew!
Ted: On the upside, you could tell her that they're only attracted to clean scalps, and she shouldn't be too embarrassed. Also, I'm kind of a samurai when it comes to a metal comb, so...
Alexis: Okay, are you sure, because she didn't want to um, she didn't wanna bug you on a weekend.
Ted: Bug me. I am sure.
Alexis: Okay, I will tell her. Um, you know that it's me, right?
Ted: Yeah, caught on pretty quick.
Alexis: Okay, thank you. You're the sweetest little vet I've ever met.
Ted: I don't know about little, because I'm benching 225 right now, so it's not really something someone little...

Patrick: Are- Are you wearing a shower cap?!
David: Alexis has lice, and I am taking preventative measures.
Patrick: By wearing one of our hats that we now can't sell.
Stevie: Oh, he doesn't have it, I checked his head. I think the shower cap is more of a fashion choice at this point.

Patrick: Uh-huh. But you're living with somebody who does have lice, so just 'cause you don't have it now, doesn't mean that you couldn't get it tonight, or tomorrow, or whenever.
David: It's almost as if you want me to get the lice.
Patrick: I don't want you to get it, I just, I think you should be careful. You can crash at my place tonight if you need to.

Male Guest: What are you doing in here?
Johnny: Well, you said to change the sheets.
Female Guest: No, we said not to change the sheets.
Johnny: Oh, you said not to change the sheets? I could've sworn I heard you say change the sheets. Well, while I'm here, I may as well...
Male Guest: Please, just leave the bed.
Johnny: Sure.
Male Guest: What's going on?
Johnny: What's going on? Well, my okay. My daughter and I were setting up the room earlier, and it turns out she has lice. I was changing the sheets because you know, I didn't wanna take a chance.
Male Guest: Been there.
Female Guest: Yeah, our six year old daughter had lice last year. How old's yours?
Johnny: 28. Oh, and I checked your hairbrush and it is fine.
Female Guest: You checked my hairbrush?!
Johnny: It's a complimentary service.

Ted: Why didn't you just tell me that you had lice?
Alexis: Ted, a bug literally fell out of my head, onto my textbook this morning. It was so disgusting. Plus I didn't want you to picture me like some well-toned bug woman.
Ted: Well, I've seen worse. Fleas, ticks, worms. Granted, all of those were on house pets.
Alexis: Ted!

Ted: Speaking of Thailand, I think is probably the most intimate thing I've ever done with an employee.
Alexis: Speaking of Thailand, I think we've done a few more intimate things than this.
Ted: I meant while they were an employee. Not that I'd do this for anyone else.
Alexis: Well, thank you.
Ted: Because it's actually pretty gross.
Alexis: You said it wasn't that bad.
Ted: Well, there are some big ones in here.
Alexis: Ewww!
Ted: I'm joking, I'm joking. Oh, maybe not.
Alexis: Eww!
Ted: Nope, it's fine. It is fine, it's fine. Just- Just the mama, we got her.

David: Hi, I can't thank you enough for inviting me.
Stevie: Really you should be thanking yourself for that.

David: Uh oh. Two toothbrushes? Hello.
Stevie: No, you see, this is exactly why I shouldn't have let you bully me into allowing you to stay here.
David: Do you require two toothbrushes?
Stevie: Yes, I do.
David: Ah.
Stevie: So maybe I was seeing somebody a while ago, and I forgot to throw out his toothbrush.
David: I don't recall you ever telling me about that chapter of your life.
Stevie: Well, I'm sure I would've told you, if you weren't so busy with the store.
David: I'm sorry, is that a soft, yet affirmative indication that you miss me?

David: Speaking of, where are the drinks? In this thing?
Stevie: The fridge.
David: Is this- okay. Just- Okay, I just see two de-shelled hard-boiled eggs in a bag, should I be scared for you?
Stevie: The vodka's in the freezer.
David: Oh, in the freezer, okay.

David: I shouldn't have eaten those eggs.
Stevie: I can't believe I'm trapped under a blanket with you knowing you ate those eggs. I bet Patrick's fridge is fully stocked.
David: What does that mean?!
Stevie: It means he's got his life together. He's a pretty eligible bachelor. Patrick.
David: I suppose. [Stevie smiles and turns to David] What? He's my business partner.
Stevie: Oh, aren't they all.