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42Quotes from ‘Stop Saying Lice!’

Schitt's Creek: Stop Saying Lice!

311. Stop Saying Lice!

Aired March 21, 2017

Alexis is reluctant to seek help after she catches lice from another student. As Johnny struggles to contain the outbreak at the motel, David seeks refuge at Stevie's place. Meanwhile, Moira is less than thrilled when the town dedicates a garden to her.

Quote from Johnny

David: I don't even see a rose in the garden.
Moira: Because there aren't any roses.
Alexis: Or are we the Roses?
Johnny: Okay, I'm getting roses for the garden. I'm- I'm getting roses.
David: Oh, okay. And what are these numbers for?
Alexis: That's mom's birthday, David.
Moira: Those are the last four digits of your father's credit card.
Johnny: It was a complicated order form, all right? There were a lot of fields to fill in.
David: Um, I hope you got a really good deal on this.
Moira: It's by the letter, so he paid extra for those apostrophe "s's."

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Well, I thought it was a nice gesture.
Moira: Oh no, no. Now I just wonder what else you're keeping from me.
Johnny: Nothing! Well, Alexis has lice.
Moira: What?! Ew! Ewww! I assume you shaved her head! And we have to put a wig on her. But not one of my wigs! These have to be boxed now!
Johnny: Moira, I've got it all taken care of. And I'd think twice about that garden.
Moira: Oh, it's too late, the notion of that garden is as abhorrent to me as our daughter's scalp!
Johnny: And I was worried about you overreacting.
Moira: [screams]

Quote from David

David: Um, am I reading this right?
Alexis: "The Moira's Rose's Garden."
Johnny: Okay, look, I went back and forth on the name a couple of times, and I may have confused the engraver.
David: The Moira's Rose's Garden. So the garden is dedicated to a rose that Moira owns?
Alexis: I don't think that there are enough apostrophes.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Well, this might lift your spirits, I just came from council, and they want to name a garden after me.
Johnny: A garden? Oh, that's flattering. Another feather in your cap, huh?
Moira: Oh, I have enough legacies as it is, John. I've got that playhouse theatre in Pasadena, my titular scholarship with Phoenix, David and Alexis.
Johnny: Yeah, but still, a garden is nice. You'd have to think twice about turning that down.
Moira: Oh, I've already turned it down.
Johnny: Oh. Okay. Well, it's just about a month ago I heard from the Lucy Albion Studio Theater in Pasadena.
Moira: I don't know what that is.
Johnny: It used to be called the Moira Rose...
Moira: No, no! Don't say it! They've stripped the playhouse of my name? Who the fuck is Lucy Albion?!
Johnny: A volunteer usher who died last year.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I don't believe this.
Johnny: Sweetheart, I just thought having your own garden in town would make losing the theatre less painful!
Moira: Oh, I won't be pitied, John! Or fed your pacifying pablum like some kind of soft-headed infant!

Quote from David

David: [gasps] This is a lot nicer than I expected. For some reason I pictured you living underground.
Stevie: In like, a bomb shelter?
David: Yeah like, bomb shelter aspects. Look at what you've done to this place. Look at all this stuff. Look at that frame on the wall that you put there. Look at that Sarah McLachlan poster!
Stevie: Don't be dissing Sarah McLachlan.
David: Who's dissing Sarah McLachlan? I followed Lilith Fair for two summers.

Quote from Patrick

David: Okay, so if you wouldn't mind sorting these body milks by size, that would be great.
Stevie: Can you drink these?
David: Um, it's liquid moisturizer, for your body, so no, you can't drink them.
Patrick: [enters] Did you ask if you can drink it, too?
David: Okay, it says body milk on the label!
Patrick: You know, I told David that the label was gonna be misleading, but he insisted. What was it you said? "Anyone with a fibre of common sense would know that it's not actually milk."
David: What do we think body milk is, if not milk for your body?!

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: Stevie, right?
Stevie: Yeah.
Patrick: I'm Patrick. I've heard a lot about you.
Stevie: None of it is true.
Patrick: Oh, well, anyone with a fibre of common sense would know that.
Stevie: I like him. I like you.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Well, if nothing's going on, why would it be weird?
David: Because we're in business together, and I don't know what his preferences are.
Stevie: Well, you're not gonna find out what his preferences are on a sleepover with me.
David: Well, I wouldn't be sharing a bed with him, I'd be in some guest bedroom.
Stevie: Guest bedroom, what is he, Bill Gates?
David: Yes, he's Bill Gates.

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: Alexis, I just got an email from your school.
Alexis: Okay, in my defence, I did not know he was a substitute teacher, and basically, nothing happened.
Johnny: Okay, well, that's not it, and please don't go down that path again.

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: Apparently there's a lice outbreak in your class.
David: Oh, my God!
Alexis: Ew! Ugh, it's probably Kelsey, she's such a horse girl.
Johnny: Honestly, Alexis, if you don't like the way somebody looks...
Alexis: Dad, that's so mean! She doesn't look like a horse, she just talks about them a lot. And smells a bit.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Moira, I don't think you understand how rare it is for somebody to have something named for them in this town. I mean, yeah, the whole town is named after me, and Bob over here, he's got his bench.
Bob: Bob's Bench.
Roland: And Ronnie's got her rec centre.
Ronnie: It's an outdoor tennis court, and last year the net was stolen.
Roland: Well, she's kind of under selling it there, the rec center is a major hook-up spot for the kids.
Bob: So is the bench.
Roland: Right.

Quote from Moira

Moira: As much as I love the spotlight, sometimes it's best to just step aside.
Jocelyn: That's surprising. I know when they told me that they were gonna put my name on the new low-impact play centre at the school, I was thrilled!
Moira: Yes, it can be very exciting when the tribute matches the contribution. My name graced a theatre, a country club ladies' locker room, a roadway.
Jocelyn: A whole road?
Moira: Oh, not just any road. This was a lifesaving road, dedicated to emergency vehicles.
Jocelyn: Like a fire route?
Moira: Technically it was referred to as Evacuation Route 14, but those of us in the know affectionately called it "Moira Rose Boulevard."

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: You know, Moira, having your name on a small, local garden wouldn't take away from any of those other amazing achievements.
Moira: You might think, but this little particular little tribute was bought by my husband, in an attempt to assuage my ego.
Jocelyn: And that would be different from the other times because...?
Moira: Well, I mean, of course philanthropy and recognition always go hand in hand, but...
Jocelyn: Listen. I know this isn't what you wanted, but I think it would make Johnny really happy to make you happy. I mean, take Roland. Every year he buys me coconut macaroons, and I just don't have the heart to tell him I am really allergic to coconut. Yeah, every Valentine's Day I just rash right up. [laughs] Last year my throat almost completely shut.

Quote from David

David: Um, so you know what I think would be super fun, if we hung out at your place tonight.
Stevie: My place?
David: Mmm-hmm.
Stevie: You've never been to my place.
David: Yeah exactly, you were just saying that we haven't been spending as much time together, and that it's been really bothering you.
Stevie: I don't remember saying that last part.

Quote from David

David: Yeah, so I was just thinking like, what about a late night hang, or like, a platonic sleepover?
Stevie: Mmm. What's on your head?
David: Hmm? A hat. That I'm test driving for the store.
Stevie: I mean, what's happening under the hat? The other side.
David: Oh, I see. Yeah, um, that would be a shower cap.
Stevie: So this would have nothing to do with the lice outbreak at the motel? Your dad just called me.
David: Um, so I might be taking preventative measures. I can't afford to have the store infested with lice.
Stevie: I don't think it works that way, but just so we're clear, you were wanting to have a platonic sleepover at my place would have nothing to do with the fact that your sister has lice?
David: Yes, that is almost entirely correct.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Good morning!
Bob: Who's gonna be the one to tell her?
Roland: I'll handle this.
Moira: Have I been let go? Should I leave?
Roland: No.
Moira: I won't make a scene.
Ronnie: You still have three and a half more years.
Moira: But who's counting?

Quote from David

David: Okay, is this how this is gonna go? Because we have way too much work to do today for me to feel attacked by way of an imbalanced social dynamic.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I never thought I'd see the day, John. You've been domesticated beyond recognition.

Quote from Johnny

Moira: And when were you planning on telling me this, John?!
Johnny: Well, Moira, it's not like you have overreacted to bad news in the past. I just thought it might sit better with you once you'd heard about the garden.
Moira: No, I just told you about the garden.
Johnny: Uh-huh.
Moira: John, did you ask Roland and Bob to name a garden after me?
Johnny: No, no! They wanted to name the garden after you, Moira. After I offered to pay for the plaque, and a good chunk of the upkeep.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: You're really good at this. It reminds me of when I was in Bangkok. There was this amazing little Resto-Lounge that specialized in Tahitian food, and scalp massages.
Ted: I'm not sure what's more disgusting, what I'm doing right now, or the concept for that restaurant.
Alexis: It was a Resto-Lounge.

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: Okay, enough, enough. This is still a very big honour for your mother. Is it not?
Alexis: Mmm-hmm.
David: Yes.
Alexis: So when we die, are we all gonna be buried here?

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: You know, you keep scratching.
David: Ew!
Alexis: No, I'm just allergic to the down pillow.
David: No, no, you probably have lice. You're scratching because you have lice.
Johnny: Wait a minute, we were in all the rooms changing the sheets.
David: Okay, how-can lice jump? Because if I was sleeping in my bed, could a lice jump from her bed to my bed?
Alexis: Can everyone stop saying lice please?!

Quote from David

Johnny: Now I've gotta go back and change all the sheets again.
David: Okay, how do I know that she didn't give me her lice?
Johnny: David, you don't have lice.
Alexis: Nobody here has lice!
David: No, no, you do! You- You have the lice!

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: Alexis, you've gotta go to the store and get something to deal with that now. Okay, I've gotta go back and change all the sheets.
Alexis: Oh! This is the last time I take a pity selfie with Kelsey.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Uh, just here for the complimentary sheet change.
Male Guest: But the bed's already made up.
Johnny: Yes, yes, well some of our guests prefer morning and evening sheets. Uh, these are a little heavier, for sleeping, right? So if you don't mind, I'll just get to it.
Female Guest: I think we're good, I mean, we haven't even touched the sheets.
Johnny: Oh, good, good, good!
Female Guest: Why is that good?
Johnny: Well, it just means you're having a busy day, you know, up and at 'em.
Female Guest: Right.
Johnny: And your hair's in a ponytail, that's fantastic. Yeah. And by that I mean it's very hot outside, and gives the neck a chance to breathe, um, yeah.

Quote from David

Stevie: Yes, we haven't seen each other in weeks, so I was just saying it's nice to see you.
David: I'm going to ignore that passive aggression, and instead, lean in to the fact that we're both working professionals now, and mama Oprah would be very proud of us.
Stevie: Okay, that's one way to look at it.

Quote from Moira

Roland: Moira, I know that town beautification is kind of your thing, so I know you'll wanna know that, um, we're gonna build a flower garden.
Bob: And it gets better.
Moira: I imagine it must.
Roland: We're gonna name it after you. Oh, and look at that right there, utter shock.
Moira: Now, I'm flattered beyond all reason, but I can't help but think the money could be better spent elsewhere, making much needed improvements to the roads, the streetlamps, the parks, the sidewalks, the traffic light...

Quote from Moira

Moira: As much as I would love to contribute to the population growth of this town by way of teen pregnancies, I must decline.
Roland: Honey, it's all about legacy! Your name will forever be associated with this town's name!
Ronnie: I don't think you're helping.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: But the other reason is that I bumped into one of our clients, and her dog has lice, and she's worried that she now has lice.
Ted: Who was it?
Alexis: Umm... Meredith? Meredith. She's new-ish, you might not remember her, just kind of like, mid-length, wavy hair.
Ted: Does she want me to help her?
Alexis: No. No, she is too embarrassed. And I was like Mere-dith, Meredith, there's no reason to be embarrassed, you're still exceptionally attractive, it's just lice, just get the shampoo, and deal with it!

Quote from Ted

Ted: Um, the thing is, that you can't actually get lice from dogs. It's a different kind of lice.
Alexis: Okay, so what should she use? Should she use the flea stuff, or...
Ted: Oh no, she's fine to use the lice shampoo, but it's really more about combing them out.
Alexis: Ew!
Ted: On the upside, you could tell her that they're only attracted to clean scalps, and she shouldn't be too embarrassed. Also, I'm kind of a samurai when it comes to a metal comb, so...
Alexis: Okay, are you sure, because she didn't want to um, she didn't wanna bug you on a weekend.
Ted: Bug me. I am sure.
Alexis: Okay, I will tell her. Um, you know that it's me, right?
Ted: Yeah, caught on pretty quick.
Alexis: Okay, thank you. You're the sweetest little vet I've ever met.
Ted: I don't know about little, because I'm benching 225 right now, so it's not really something someone little...

Quote from Stevie

Patrick: Are- Are you wearing a shower cap?!
David: Alexis has lice, and I am taking preventative measures.
Patrick: By wearing one of our hats that we now can't sell.
Stevie: Oh, he doesn't have it, I checked his head. I think the shower cap is more of a fashion choice at this point.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: Uh-huh. But you're living with somebody who does have lice, so just 'cause you don't have it now, doesn't mean that you couldn't get it tonight, or tomorrow, or whenever.
David: It's almost as if you want me to get the lice.
Patrick: I don't want you to get it, I just, I think you should be careful. You can crash at my place tonight if you need to.

Quote from Johnny

Male Guest: What are you doing in here?
Johnny: Well, you said to change the sheets.
Female Guest: No, we said not to change the sheets.
Johnny: Oh, you said not to change the sheets? I could've sworn I heard you say change the sheets. Well, while I'm here, I may as well...
Male Guest: Please, just leave the bed.
Johnny: Sure.
Male Guest: What's going on?
Johnny: What's going on? Well, my okay. My daughter and I were setting up the room earlier, and it turns out she has lice. I was changing the sheets because you know, I didn't wanna take a chance.
Male Guest: Been there.
Female Guest: Yeah, our six year old daughter had lice last year. How old's yours?
Johnny: 28. Oh, and I checked your hairbrush and it is fine.
Female Guest: You checked my hairbrush?!
Johnny: It's a complimentary service.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Why didn't you just tell me that you had lice?
Alexis: Ted, a bug literally fell out of my head, onto my textbook this morning. It was so disgusting. Plus I didn't want you to picture me like some well-toned bug woman.
Ted: Well, I've seen worse. Fleas, ticks, worms. Granted, all of those were on house pets.
Alexis: Ted!

Quote from Ted

Ted: Speaking of Thailand, I think is probably the most intimate thing I've ever done with an employee.
Alexis: Speaking of Thailand, I think we've done a few more intimate things than this.
Ted: I meant while they were an employee. Not that I'd do this for anyone else.
Alexis: Well, thank you.
Ted: Because it's actually pretty gross.
Alexis: You said it wasn't that bad.
Ted: Well, there are some big ones in here.
Alexis: Ewww!
Ted: I'm joking, I'm joking. Oh, maybe not.
Alexis: Eww!
Ted: Nope, it's fine. It is fine, it's fine. Just- Just the mama, we got her.

Quote from Stevie

David: Hi, I can't thank you enough for inviting me.
Stevie: Really you should be thanking yourself for that.

Quote from David

David: Uh oh. Two toothbrushes? Hello.
Stevie: No, you see, this is exactly why I shouldn't have let you bully me into allowing you to stay here.
David: Do you require two toothbrushes?
Stevie: Yes, I do.
David: Ah.
Stevie: So maybe I was seeing somebody a while ago, and I forgot to throw out his toothbrush.
David: I don't recall you ever telling me about that chapter of your life.
Stevie: Well, I'm sure I would've told you, if you weren't so busy with the store.
David: I'm sorry, is that a soft, yet affirmative indication that you miss me?

Quote from David

David: Speaking of, where are the drinks? In this thing?
Stevie: The fridge.
David: Is this- okay. Just- Okay, I just see two de-shelled hard-boiled eggs in a bag, should I be scared for you?
Stevie: The vodka's in the freezer.
David: Oh, in the freezer, okay.

Quote from Stevie

David: I shouldn't have eaten those eggs.
Stevie: I can't believe I'm trapped under a blanket with you knowing you ate those eggs. I bet Patrick's fridge is fully stocked.
David: What does that mean?!
Stevie: It means he's got his life together. He's a pretty eligible bachelor. Patrick.
David: I suppose. [Stevie smiles and turns to David] What? He's my business partner.
Stevie: Oh, aren't they all.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: What, you guys just seem to really get along well.
David: Yeah, because we're in business together, and compliment each other professionally.
Stevie: Hmm, but he offered for you to stay over at his place.
David: Yes, because unlike you and I, he's extremely generous, and has absolutely no ulterior motive.
Stevie: Then why are you here and not there?
David: Because you asked me first.
Stevie: I didn't, though.

Quote from David

Stevie: I like this for you.
David: Like what? There's nothing to like.
Stevie: You seem flustered.
David: I'm not flus- Maybe it's the eggs.


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