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‘Stop Saying Lice!’ Quotes Page 1 of 5    

Schitt's Creek: Stop Saying Lice!

311. Stop Saying Lice!

Aired March 21, 2017

Alexis is reluctant to seek help after she catches lice from another student. As Johnny struggles to contain the outbreak at the motel, David seeks refuge at Stevie's place. Meanwhile, Moira is less than thrilled when the town dedicates a garden to her.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Well, I thought it was a nice gesture.
Moira: Oh no, no. Now I just wonder what else you're keeping from me.
Johnny: Nothing! Well, Alexis has lice.
Moira: What?! Ew! Ewww! I assume you shaved her head! And we have to put a wig on her. But not one of my wigs! These have to be boxed now!
Johnny: Moira, I've got it all taken care of. And I'd think twice about that garden.
Moira: Oh, it's too late, the notion of that garden is as abhorrent to me as our daughter's scalp!
Johnny: And I was worried about you overreacting.
Moira: [screams]

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Quote from David

David: Um, am I reading this right?
Alexis: "The Moira's Rose's Garden."
Johnny: Okay, look, I went back and forth on the name a couple of times, and I may have confused the engraver.
David: The Moira's Rose's Garden. So the garden is dedicated to a rose that Moira owns?
Alexis: I don't think that there are enough apostrophes.

Quote from Johnny

David: I don't even see a rose in the garden.
Moira: Because there aren't any roses.
Alexis: Or are we the Roses?
Johnny: Okay, I'm getting roses for the garden. I'm- I'm getting roses.
David: Oh, okay. And what are these numbers for?
Alexis: That's mom's birthday, David.
Moira: Those are the last four digits of your father's credit card.
Johnny: It was a complicated order form, all right? There were a lot of fields to fill in.
David: Um, I hope you got a really good deal on this.
Moira: It's by the letter, so he paid extra for those apostrophe "s's."

Quote from Moira

Moira: I don't believe this.
Johnny: Sweetheart, I just thought having your own garden in town would make losing the theatre less painful.
Moira: Oh, I won't be pitied, John! Or fed your pacifying pablum like some kind of soft-headed infant!

Quote from Moira

Moira: Well, this might lift your spirits, I just came from council, and they want to name a garden after me.
Johnny: A garden? Oh, that's flattering. Another feather in your cap, huh?
Moira: Oh, I have enough legacies as it is, John. I've got that playhouse theatre in Pasadena, my titular scholarship with Phoenix, David and Alexis.
Johnny: Yeah, but still, a garden is nice. You'd have to think twice about turning that down.
Moira: Oh, I've already turned it down.
Johnny: Oh. Okay. Well, it's just about a month ago I heard from the Lucy Albion Studio Theater in Pasadena.
Moira: I don't know what that is.
Johnny: It used to be called the Moira Rose...
Moira: No, no! Don't say it! They've stripped the playhouse of my name? Who the fuck is Lucy Albion?!
Johnny: A volunteer usher who died last year.

Quote from David

David: [gasps] This is a lot nicer than I expected. For some reason I pictured you living underground.
Stevie: In like, a bomb shelter?
David: Yeah like, bomb shelter aspects. Look at what you've done to this place. Look at all this stuff. Look at that frame on the wall that you put there. Look at that Sarah McLachlan poster!
Stevie: Don't be dissing Sarah McLachlan.
David: Who's dissing Sarah McLachlan? I followed Lilith Fair for two summers.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: Stevie, right?
Stevie: Yeah.
Patrick: I'm Patrick. I've heard a lot about you.
Stevie: None of it is true.
Patrick: Oh, well, anyone with a fibre of common sense would know that.
Stevie: I like him. I like you.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Well, if nothing's going on, why would it be weird?
David: Because we're in business together, and I don't know what his preferences are.
Stevie: Well, you're not gonna find out what his preferences are on a sleepover with me.
David: Well, I wouldn't be sharing a bed with him, I'd be in some guest bedroom.
Stevie: Guest bedroom, what is he, Bill Gates?
David: Yes, he's Bill Gates.

Quote from Moira

Moira: As much as I love the spotlight, sometimes it's best to just step aside.
Jocelyn: That's surprising. I know when they told me that they were gonna put my name on the new low-impact play centre at the school, I was thrilled!
Moira: Yes, it can be very exciting when the tribute matches the contribution. My name graced a theatre, a country club ladies' locker room, a roadway.
Jocelyn: A whole road?
Moira: Oh, not just any road. This was a lifesaving road, dedicated to emergency vehicles.
Jocelyn: Like a fire route?
Moira: Technically it was referred to as Evacuation Route 14, but those of us in the know affectionately called it "Moira Rose Boulevard."

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: Alexis, I just got an email from your school.
Alexis: Okay, in my defence, I did not know he was a substitute teacher, and basically, nothing happened.
Johnny: Okay, well, that's not it, and please don't go down that path again.

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