Patrick: Sorry, I've just gotta go through that one more time. So you dated Jake and then Stevie dated Jake.
David: Mhmm mhmm.
Patrick: And at one point, you all...
David: No, see, that's where you're wrong. We almost all, but I said no.
Patrick: Ah.
David: Because Stevie and I agreed that that would be a bad idea, but it appears that I'm the only one that held up my end of that agreement.
Patrick: And you're upset about this because you still...
David: No, I'm not upset. I- I don't want any of that. No, It's a principle thing. And we are getting sidetracked right now. Okay? So who is feeling sexy?
Patrick: Getting there for sure. I just- You know, I knew you had a rich dating history, David, I just didn't expect to be graced by the presence of two of your exes tonight.
David: Yeah, funny thing, neither did I.

Patrick: Given that we only have the apartment for one night.
David: Mmm.
Patrick: Maybe it's best if we lock that box back up for now?
David: I think that's a good idea. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. You know what, we didn't even get into your history-
Patrick: Lock it up, David. Lock it up.
David: Oh, okay.

David: This is the same college where Malala gave that devastating commencement speech, right?
Alexis: I don't know, David, maybe he did.

Johnny: Now, Ted. Is he being supportive?
Alexis: I haven't even told Ted.
Johnny: Oh.
Alexis: I just wanna do one thing on my own!
Johnny: And you're sure this is the right one thing to pick?
Alexis: Okay, please don't stress me out about this! This is supposed to be fun!
Johnny: And it will be fun, honey, it will be, in time. You know, it will also be a lot of work.
Alexis: I know that!
Johnny: And not to mention, a lot of money.
Alexis: Why do you think I've been saving up my money from the vet's office?
Johnny: How long have you known about this?
Alexis: Oh, my God, you are being so extra right now!

Johnny: Kids, it's garbage day.
Alexis: Oh good, ours is full.
Johnny: Okay, I've told you both a thousand times, tie up the bags and leave them outside your door.
David: Okay, but I like, just put something in it that made it full, though.
Alexis: Yeah, and you're already wearing your little gloves, though.

Alexis: Okay, do me a favour, David, and don't mention this to dad, 'cause I haven't chosen my courses yet, and if he finds out he's just gonna like, buzz around until I ask him his opinion. And no offence to him, but I don't want it.

Johnny: Where'd Alexis go?
David: She went for a run, apparently there are some really big changes happening in her life right now.
Johnny: Yeah, I should say so.
David: Why are you waving a thermometer in my face?
Johnny: It's a pregnancy test.
David: Ew! What?!

Moira: Are we a 100% sure it's hers?
Johnny: Well, this test is a 100% sure it's someone's! [Johnny looks to Moira]
Moira: Oh, are you serious? I was ready to stop after one!

David: Come to think of it, she has been very up and down lately, but I've been just chalking that up to the fact that her personal life is like a steaming pile of...

Moira: Aaaah! I always knew this would happen! Oh, God help us all.