Patrick: Hey, I wonder what would've happened if we had met in high school.
David: Hmm. Well, unless you were into candy ravers with asymmetrical haircuts and a lot of pacifier necklaces, I think our paths crossed at the right time. [David and Patrick kiss] How jealous, though?
Patrick: Why don't you take out the garbage?
David: How jealous were you?
Patrick: Nope!
David: Scale of one to ten. Like, enraged, or-
Patrick: Bye, bye.

Alexis: David, what time is Patrick's housewarming tonight?
David: Hmm, you'll have to ask him. He told me he doesn't want my help, so I'm just gonna play the supportive partner, and watch him fail.
Alexis: Okay, it's just that if Ted and I are gonna be fashionably late, we need to know when it starts.

Johnny: Well, that was weird.
Moira: Seriously. A nighttime couples massage, what is this, 1985?!

Jocelyn: Thank you so much, Johnny, it just would've never occurred to us to ask you. Are you sure you're up for this?
Roland: Oh, he'll be fine, honey. And if he does find himself completely lost, and believe me, he will, he will have the baby binder to hold his hand. Right here, Johnny.

Jocelyn: Wow, Moira. Looking so elegant for a night of babysitting. Just dressed to the nines in choking hazards.
Moira: Sadly, Jocelyn, I won't be here this evening to intercede.
Jocelyn: Oh, wow, so it's just gonna be Johnny, alone with our precious miracle baby?

David: Wow. What are those?
Patrick: These are party shots.
David: Hmm.
Patrick: You ever had one before?
David: No, nope. Fine, once. Twice. Fine, I had a tray in Cancun.

Ted: Uh okay, don't be mad, but...
Alexis: Ted, no! I have to perform surgery on people's pets like, first thing in the morning. Why'd you have to pick this weekend? You know how much I always look forward to Patrick's house parties.
Ted: Isn't this his first one?
Alexis: Okay, fine. I guess I'll just finish my drink, and wander over there dressed like this, and see what happens.
Ted: Well, I mean, maybe you don't need to leave just yet.
Alexis: Snip, snip, Mr. Mullens!

Alexis: Stevie.
Stevie: Uh, um... Never have I ever... Sorry, I'm just trying to think of something I haven't done.
David: Okay.

David: Hey. Do you wanna put Emir away for a hot sec, so this game can keep going, and the party can end soon?
Stevie: Oh, I'm good. I don't wanna kiss anyone here.
David: My sister's sitting in the circle, you think I'm dying to play? Thank you very much.

Ted: All right, who's the lucky lady? [spins the bottle, it lands on David]
David: That's offensive.
Alexis: Okay, anyway, re-spin!
Patrick: Yeah, it actually looks like it sorta landed between two people.
Ted: No, no, no, no! I know exactly who it landed on.
Alexis: Oh, Ted! That's not okay.
Ted: Man, come here, big guy!
Alexis: Oh, my fucking God.