Moira: Well, I'm off. [baby cries]
Johnny: All right, have fun, sweetheart.
Moira: You realize the bébé is crying?
Johnny: I do, yes.
Moira: Isn't it scheduled to be dormant by now?

Moira: Oh, if it weren't for Joyce Dewitt insisting on wearing those pigtails, this movie could've been a hit! We're supposed to be astrophysicists, it just takes you out of it. And yet, she, she gets the close up!
Johnny: Well, that was shocking.
Moira: I know, right? And I get the aerial shot for my love scene.
Johnny: No, no, I'm talking about the kid. To think this little thing could create so much destruction.
Moira: Oh, you've completed the diaper substitution. Aren't you the Sephardic Mr. Clean!

Johnny: Ooh! I think I just found the issue. It might be in the diaper.
Moira: Oh, it was the bébé. I'm so relieved!
Johnny: Yeah, I think they left extra diapers. They assumed we'd take care of it. You wanna grab the rubber gloves?
Moira: They're Tom Ford, John, no! And they wouldn't fit you anyway.
Johnny: The cleaning gloves under the sink.

Ted: This is so silky.
Alexis: Yeah, it's my dad's housecoat from storage. I was thinking we could go as Hef, R.I.P., and a Playboy Bunny.
Ted: Isn't the theme high school slumber party?
Alexis: It is. My best friend, Summer, used to date Hef in high school, which isn't as weird as it sounds, 'cause he was, like, a very young 77.

Johnny: Honestly, Moira, just go. I'll be fine.
Moira: I'm not sure you will be, John. It's not like the old days when we could just call Adelina, and have her rush home from her daughter's wedding.
Johnny: You're gonna miss your screening.
Moira: I'll go after the first commercial break. That's when the action happens anyway, when my cousin and I begin our backpack through Lebanon.
Johnny: What else does the binder say?
Moira: Oh, my God, John! Don't forget to wash its hands!

Twyla: My mom was engaged to two pizza delivery guys. Can that count? 'Cause I am really thirsty.

Moira: That had its moments. When it shone, it shone brightly. And I have to hand it to DeWitt. She had a real breakthrough during the denouement. I believe she believed we were cousins.

David: What are you guys doing over here? You remind me of me at a high school house party judging all the attractive and popular kids for being attractive and popular.

Johnny: I've gotta wipe him up, and change his clothes again.
Moira: For all we know, it's got crawling pneumonia.
Johnny: Oh, he doesn't have crawling pneumonia, Moira!
Moira: I don't want to say I told you so, but this is an infelicitous burden. I could be at Ronnie's right now, preparing for the post-screening Q&A.

Moira: Look at you, Jocelyn, positively flushed with motherly glow.
Jocelyn: We've just been running around looking for Alexis.
Alexis: That's so sweet; what's up?
Jocelyn: Remember that time that you told me you'd be there for me if I ever needed you?
Alexis: I don't think that was me.
Roland: Well, our babysitter for tonight just cancelled on us, and we were gonna have dinner, and, uh, a couples massage. But unfortunately, the couple that massages us can only do it once a month, so...