Jerry: April, do you have that usage report that I asked for?
[April crashes into Jerry's desk on a Segway desk]
April: Anything for you, Jerry.
Jerry: Thank you. [paper reads "You're gonna fail."] Oh, come on! Why?

April: So Jerry is, like, basically my boss now, which I'm never gonna work for him... Ron's trapped in this weird desk prison, and I now work at this traveling IV station.
Man: [enters] This Mort Jansen's office?
Andy: Nope.
[The man takes the coffee container, pours the coffee on the ground, and smashes the glass against the wall.]
Man: Tell Mort I said "your move." [exits]
April: Oh, my God. I wanna work up here with you guys. This is awesome.

Ben: So it's my understanding that despite what I said in our meeting, you have somehow increased your request for more school buses.
Marlene Knope: Excuse me, but I'm having coffee with my daughter. Maybe we could do this another time.
Ben: No, we're gonna talk about this now. Or if you'd prefer, I could put a permanent freeze on the education budget. It's your call.
Marlene Knope: [scoffs]
Leslie Knope: Wow, maybe you should talk to him, mom. He seems pretty self-assured.

Woman: There's nothing left. It's over.
Chris: Hey, hey, hey, don't say that. Now, come on. Get yourself together and go out there and be the woman you always knew you could be.
Woman: [sobbing] Thank you so much.
Tom: Who was that?
Chris: I don't know. I saw her crying, and so I helped.

Ben: You know what? It's just not possible. And don't even bother trying to outflank me either, because you will fail.
Marlene Knope: Where did all this confidence come from all of a sudden?
Leslie Knope: Hey, guys, come on. Let's relax.
Ben: You know, Ms. Griggs-Knope...
Marlene Knope: Marlene.
Ben: There's probably a compromise here.
Marlene Knope: "Compromise is usually a sign of weakness."
Ben: Yes, it is, according to Andrew Carnegie. But your demands remind me of a different quote, from the great Bill Watterson... "You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw."
Marlene Knope: I love Calvin and Hobbes.
Ben: Me too!
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I gotta say, this is some of my best work. This could not have gone better. [Marlene strokes Ben's thigh] They are really hitting it off. Thank God. Crisis averted.

Muriel: You two are just the cutest things on four legs!
Andy: Aw.
Muriel: But why so much black? It's like you're going to a funeral.
Andy: She's got a point, babe.
April: So marry her then.
Muriel: [laughs] I wish!

Tom: Hey, sorry to interrupt the love fest, but can you hand me that folder there, please, Ethel? [thud] Oh, great. Why you gotta be like that, Ethel?
Ethel Beavers: Looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the crib. [laughter]
Tom: Stop laughing, Muriel. [laughter intensifies] Stop it!

Leslie Knope: I gotta say, I'm a genius. The only thing my mom loves more than music boxes is McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy. So I made her... [music box plays] A McSteamy-style music box, and I thought maybe you could give it to her. She would love you for it.
Ben: I think maybe that's not such a good idea.
Leslie Knope: Why? I mean, it's not the best picture of him, but...
Ben: [sighs] Your mom kind of...
Leslie Knope: Um...
Ben: Made a pass at me. [music box clicks shut]

Ben: Leslie and I are dating. We haven't told anyone because there's a rule against office relationships, but it's happening. I'm sorry we didn't tell you before you touched my knee, and I trust you won't tell anyone now, since it could get your daughter fired.
Marlene Knope: [laughs] That is hilarious.
Leslie Knope: That's what we thought too.
Marlene Knope: Well... Four buses.
Ben: Two.
Marlene Knope: Deal. I like this one.
Leslie Knope: You keep your hands off him.

Leslie Knope: Kind of figured you'd be back in your office by now.
Ron Swanson: Well, you know how new city managers are.
Leslie Knope: Seems like everyone else is back to normal. How long do you have to do this?
Ron Swanson: A week.
Leslie Knope: Citizen request. Swivel, swivel, swivel. [to the man] Hello, I can help you in here, sir.