Ben: Hey, we should take separate cars to the restaurant tonight. Chris is deadly serious about this...
Leslie Knope: I know. I just don't wanna talk about it, okay? I'll see you tonight.
Ben: Okay. Oh, by the way, I have a meeting with Marlene Griggs-Knope. Is that any relation?
Leslie Knope: No.
Ben: Oh, okay.
Leslie Knope: Just a coincidence. We get it all the time. We laugh about it. But I've never met her. She's Filipino. Okay, bye.

Ann: Why don't you just tell Ben she's your mother?
Leslie Knope: Because Ben and I are in this amazing little bubble right now, and there's no room in here for Chris' stupid rules about us not dating or my ball-busting mother.
Ann: Oh, Leslie, I'm sorry, but I don't think you thought this through.
Leslie Knope: You know what I should do? I should get my mother a one-way ticket to London, leaving today. And that way, Ben never has to meet her and I could visit her in London. Everybody wins.

Chris: April, you are too valuable to just be Ron's assistant. So from now on, you are a multitasking executive aide, assisting the entire office.
April: Is this a nightmare? April, wake up. [slaps her own face]

Ron Swanson: What about my office and its many walls?
Chris: That becomes a new public waiting room. And we got rid of the giant pillar that was in front of your door.
Ron Swanson: I loved that pillar. It made it really annoying to stand in my doorway.
Chris: [chuckles] Get over it, because it's gone. You're gonna be more accessible than ever.

Tom: [aside to camera] The fourth floor. Small Claims Court, divorce filings, state-ordered drug tests. It's somehow both freezing and humid. There's a whole room on the fourth floor where they store the knives they've confiscated from people who went to the fourth floor to stab someone.

Ethel Beavers: You from Parks and Rec?
Tom: Yeah.
Ethel Beavers: I'm here to show you around.
Andy: Oh, nice to meet you, ma'am. What's your name?
Ethel Beavers: Ethel Beavers. Follow me. [door squeaks] Okay, this is you.
Andy: Whoa! Double computers? I get my own office phone. Hello, Wall Street. Buy more stocks. Now. This phone kind of smells like a butt.

Ethel Beavers: Try not to move things around, 'cause technically speaking, this is still a crime scene. Oh, here's your name tags. Here.
Tom: Ethel, this shirt is from theory. Name tags make holes. I'm not wearing this.
Ethel Beavers: Well, do what you want.
Andy: Bye, Ethel!
Tom: Damn it. Remind me next time to ask her where she was when Lincoln got shot.
Andy: Remind... Tom... Ask... something. You got it, boss.

Ben: Hello.
Leslie Knope: Wrong.
Ben: What?
Leslie Knope: No preambles. No introductions. Just walk in and start talking.
Ben: I'd like to discuss the new school bus.
Leslie Knope: I'd like to discuss your rhyming, Dr. Seuss. And you should be sitting by now.
Ben: Uh, what?
Leslie Knope: Just walk in and take a seat.
Ben: Um...
Leslie Knope: "Um" is the sound in "dumb." That's what she says to people. And now you've crossed your legs like a woman.
Ben: God! Okay, should we just start over?
Leslie Knope: No. No, we need to put a pin in this. Here is a list of my mother's top 100 favorite conversation topics, starting with Persian rugs, ending with Daniel Craig. You have ten minutes to memorize it.
Ben: Deliverance the movie?
Leslie Knope: Mm-hmm.
Ben: Oh, God.

[aside to camera:]
Tom: I gotta get out of here pronto. Time to get those old ladies to do my work for me. How? By shining down on 'em with the Haverford charm ray. Wah-wah wah-wah wah-wah...
[back:]
Tom: Well, well, well, if it isn't Ethel Beavers. What's up, beautiful? Julianne Moore just called. She wants her hair back.
Ethel Beavers: Nobody named Julien called.
Tom: Never mind. I just need to ask you a couple of questions. One, can you help me out with this project we're doing? And, two, will you please invite me to your 30th birthday party? [Ethel picks up the phone] What are you doing?
Ethel Beavers: I'm making a test call to your phone to make sure it's working so you don't miss any more calls.
Tom: You know what? Don't bother. Maybe I'll just find an open window and plummet to my death.
Ethel Beavers: Okay.

Donna: This isn't gonna work. Okay, you did not just swivel away while I was talking to you. This spaceship keyboard is driving me crazy. I'm down to one word a minute, and the word is "perflipitusclub," because I can't fly spaceships.
Ron Swanson: Donna, you know as well as I do these city manager shakeups always peter out. You just have to wait.
Donna: Usually I'm with you. But this is Chris Traeger, the Six Million Dollar Man. He won't quit. So you need to swivel your ass down to his office and have a word with him.