Ron Swanson: What's going on here?
April: A puppy's here.
Leslie Knope: Can we keep him?
Andy: My neighbor's dog had a litter. They're looking for people to adopt.
April: I love him.
Andy: I wish he had tiny puppy shoes. I would totally shine his shoes for free.
All: Aw.
Andy: I do say the cutest stuff.

Ron Swanson: Look, I love a good dog as much as the next guy, but this building doesn't allow animals. Andy, take him outside.
Andy: And shoot him?
Ron Swanson: No. Just keep him outside.
Tom: Oh, come on, Ron. [as the puppy] I'm just a little puppy. I ain't done nothing wrong. I'm just a puppy. Mm. I like your mustache. [the puppy licks Ron's mustache] I wish I could have one, but I can't. 'cause I'm just a little puppy. Mm, mm, mmm.
Ron Swanson: Okay, take him out and shoot him.

Leslie Knope: Look, why don't you put on one of these t-shirts? It'll get you in the mood. I stayed up all night last night making these.
Tom: You stayed up all night the night before an all-night telethon.
Leslie Knope: Yes. And here's why. Boom.
Tom: "Diabetes. Let's dia-beat-this."
Leslie Knope: Yeah. Four hours to come up with the slogan. Four hours to embroider them.
Tom: Time well spent.

Mark: I've been doing some thinking. I'm not gonna ask Ann to move in with me.
Leslie Knope: Why? Is something wrong?
Mark: No. I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
Leslie Knope: [gasps]
Mark: I love her. And, uh, I want a partner.
Leslie Knope: Horseback. You should ask her on horseback. No. You should ask her in a hot air balloon. No. She should be on a hot air balloon and you should ride up on horseback. Oh, wait. She's in a balloon. You ride up on horseback. You point to the sky. Up there, skywriting "marry me, Ann."
Mark: I think I can figure out the right way to ask her.
Leslie Knope: How you ask someone to marry you is a very big deal. I mean, they have to repeat that story for the rest of their lives.
Mark: So you think I should do it, though?
Leslie Knope: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. Can you get five eagles? No, get ten eagles.
Mark: Leslie.
Leslie Knope: No, it's you're life. Get as many eagles as you want.

Leslie Knope: So, Tom, you're in for tonight, right?
Tom: I forgot to tell you I can't make it to the telethon tonight because I have no interest in being there.

Leslie Knope: And I need you to be his body man. Pick him up at the airport at 7:00 pm and then, you know, just entertain him because he doesn't need to be in hair and makeup until 2:00 am.
Tom: Does Pawnee Cable access even have hair and makeup?
Leslie Knope: Well, they have a communal lipstick and a box of combs.

Leslie Knope: All right, team, you guys psyched? Just remember, all you need to do is take down everybody's name and address and ask them how much they want to donate.
Donna: Hey, do these phones dial out?
Leslie Knope: Yes. Why?
Donna: No reason.

Leslie Knope: [on TV] Thank you, Joan. There are two types of diabetes, but only one type of caring. Type-1 caring. And tonight, God willing, we will all be stricken with that. There's a lot of fun stuff coming up. Indiana pacers legend Detlef Schrempf will be joining us in the studio later on. Uh, but until then, I would like to introduce one of the hottest bands in Pawnee. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mouse Rat.

Tom: The ultimate celebrity, I think, to hang out with for a night would be Criss Angel. Like, you'll be talking to him and then he would just turn into fire. Ha ha ha! Brooks brothers boys is, like, the cuts are slimmer and it's cheaper. Win, win. You ever talk to someone and you're just, like, "Oh, we're gonna be best friends"? I'm getting that, like, right now.
[aside to camera:]
Detlef Schrempf: He had two beers. Light beers.
[back:]
Tom: I need you to make that out to Wendy. "Tom is an amazing guy. You never should have left him. You made a huge mistaken in your life, and you're probably gonna die alone. Love, Detlef."

Ann: [aside to camera] Leslie and I had an amazing talk. It was so great of her to come over here. Even though she was exhausted beyond belief. Anyway, after we talked, she fell asleep on my couch. And she's been asleep for 22 hours. It's amazing what she slept through. [plate shatters] At one point, I thought she was up...
Ann: [on the phone] Hold on. Hi. Hey.
Ann: But then she went right back to sleep. [vacuum roars] I've been monitoring her vital signs. She's totally fine. I love her so much. But I think I'm gonna draw a mustache on her face.