Leslie Knope: Donna, can we use your lake house?
Donna: How did you know about that?
[aside to camera:]
Donna: My family has a lake house up in the foothills, but we keep it quiet. We're not big on hospitality. The Meagles are a cold people.
[back:]
Leslie Knope: Can we use your house?
Donna: I suppose. Bring your own towels.

Ann: Wow, Donna. This place is beautiful.
Donna: Yes, it is, and it will stay that way. These are the house rules. No dirty shoes in the house. Upstairs is Meagle space only. And if you listen closely, that is the bubbling of the hot tub. You do not have access to it. If you follow these rules, we won't have a problem.

Leslie Knope: So as you can imagine, we would never have ordered a sign with all this complicated nonsense because, you know, we're not insane.
Walter: See right here on the order form? It says, "http://www.knope2012"-
Leslie Knope: I can read the sign. It does.
Walter: ".com/imagescmyk/"-
Leslie Knope: Well, but this isn't what-
Walter: "page/campaign/123"
Leslie Knope: You don't need to read the whole thing.
Walter: "9u/09230023"-
Leslie Knope: Mm-hmm.
Walter: "/poster/"-
Leslie Knope: It does say that.
Walter: ".jpeg."
Leslie Knope: Jpeg. Yes, Walter, it does say that. You're right, but using basic logic and human intelligence, one can surmise that this is a link to an image. This isn't what we wanted printed on the signs.
Walter: Whatever's on the order form I print. In this case, it was a long string of letters and numbers.
Leslie Knope: Can I just show you something here? There you go.
Walter: That's highly against protocol.
Leslie Knope: Well, here, look.
Walter: That's a good sign. You should've used that.

Leslie Knope: Jerry, I wanted to say I'm sorry that I screwed up your birthday party.
Jerry: Oh, that's okay.
Leslie Knope: But we all pitched in. And we are sending you and Gayle to a B&B in your favorite place in the world.
Jerry: Muncie?
Leslie Knope: Amazingly, yes. Muncie, Indiana.
Jerry: [sighs] Thank you, guys. It was really expensive.

Jerry: Morning, Leslie.
Tom: [laughs] Jerry, take that shirt off. You look ridiculous.
Jerry: Gayle gave me this shirt yesterday as a birthday present.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, Jerry. I can't believe I forgot your birthday.
Jerry: Leslie, it is okay. I mean, let's face it, it's a tough one to remember.
[aside to camera:]
Jerry: My birthday is February 29th, so I only get one real birthday, you know, once every four years. But it's great because my wife Gayle makes such a big deal out of it. We go, we split a huge piece of cotton candy cheesecake from Cakey J's Cheesecake Facility. And then, well, we hold hands for a while. We listen to some Anita Baker. She meets up with some friends, and I turn in early.

April: [aside to camera] I was getting kind of sick of listening to Tom and Ann talk about their relationship, but then I remembered that alcohol existed. Thank you, alcohol.

Andy: Champion! Hey, bud. I missed you. Thank you so much. I hope he wasn't a handful.
Chris: Not in the slightest. As the Germans would say, "er ist ein wunder hund." He is a wonder dog.
Andy: Oh. The dog training course I took was conducted entirely in German, and so now I'm fluent in German... words relating to dogs.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: April and Andy went away for the night, and I looked after Champion here. He's a mutt. Half amazing, half terrific. [Boston accent] Ich bin ein three-legged dog.

Tom: Ginuwine? The Ginuwine is your cousin? How do I not know this?
Ann: Who's Ginuwine?
Tom: Ginuwine? Ginuwine is Ginuwine. He's Ginuwine.
Ann: Saying his name over and over again is not going to help me.
Tom: He's an R&B singer. Pony, Differences. Do you really not know who Ginuwine is?
Ann: I know that he's Donna's cousin.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: When I'm dating someone, I have a list called my "oh-no-nos." A woman commits an "oh-no-no," it can end the relationship. Not loving '90s R&B music is number three on the "oh-no-nos" list. Girl doesn't even know who Ginuwine is.

Ron Swanson: It's time, Leslie. You have to take a leave of absence from the department.
Leslie Knope: Ron, that is ridiculous.
Ron Swanson: We've talked about this.
Leslie Knope: No, you've talked about it, and I've ignored it, because it is ridiculous. Need I remind you that even if I win the election, I will still work at the Parks department. City council is a part-time job.
Ron Swanson: But campaigning is a full-time job. Right now you're working 50 hours a week here and 50 hours a week on the campaign.
Leslie Knope: Well, I have time to spare. I'm also volunteering at "Wheels For Meals On Wheels." We repair vans for "Meals On Wheels."

Tom: Hey. Here's a fun game. Let's talk minimum acceptable thread count for sheets.
Ann: Ooh, that does sound fun.
Tom: Stop me when I hit it. 1,000... 800... 700... 600? Ann, I'm at 600. Are you really not stopping me?
Ann: I have those cotton t-shirt sheets.
Tom: Huh?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: It's always the most beautiful ladies who hurt you the worst.