Tom: Mark, that's great. Bobby, great. Ann, you look miserable! Terrible, terrible! Come on, Ann, what are we doing? Maxim or Good Housekeeping?
Ann: I'm not sure which one is the insult.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Hey, if there's anyone out there that's doing a photo shoot about the dangers of eating undercooked chicken, I can give you Ann's phone number.

Leslie Knope: [groans] Ron. That sucked today. I'm sorry. There's no other way to say it.
Ron Swanson: They're a bunch of career bureaucrats. What did you think they were gonna say to you?
Leslie Knope: "Leslie, you are the next link in a wonderful chain that stretches back to when our town was founded. and we believe in you, and we support you, and we'll be following your career. You are the chosen one." Or something.
Ron Swanson: Well, okay, so that was the problem.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Who knows what the future holds for me? Maybe I'll leapfrog Ron's job and become city manager. Of course, my first act as city manager would be to double the size of the parks department, although I do expect a fight from Ron. But I'll win.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] "My fellow Pawneeans, yes, it's here. The Parks Department's Summer Catalog has arrived. And for the first time in 20 years, tennis is back. Peruse this wondrous book at your leisure and take advantage of everything this great town has to offer. Time is fleeting, my fellow Pawneeans. Make the most of it while you can. I recently had the honor of spending an afternoon with every living, former parks director, and they taught me a valuable lesson. There's nothing more important than friendship."
Ron Swanson: It's a little flowery.
Leslie Knope: Shut up.

Ron Swanson: Any luck?
Tom: No. Didn't work out as well as I thought it would.
Ron Swanson: Well, better luck next time.
Tom: I tried. It just didn't seem like-
Woman: [to Ron] Wow, I love that hat.
Ron Swanson: Thank you, ma'am.

Leslie Knope: Jerry, I need to see your softball pictures.
Jerry: Here you go, chief.
Leslie Knope: Wow. Good job. Nice work.
April: Wait a minute. Isn't that that creepy guy? Morgan, the pedophile?
Leslie Knope: Yeah, it is. [all groaning]
Jerry: Come on, I didn't know that. He seemed okay. [gasps] We had dinner together.

Ann: Hey. What are you doing here?
Mark: Happy six-month anniversary. I got you a gift. Uh, it's a chicken-salad sandwich. And I don't want you to feel bad about not getting me anything, because I never exp--
Ann: Swiss army watch, mofo.
Mark: Well done, Perkins.

Mark: Are you-- Are you allowed to kiss me in a--in a hospital room?
Ann: Oh, don't worry about it. He's dead.
Mark: Oh, my God.
Ann: Oh, no, I'm just kidding. He's sleeping.
Mark: Oh, okay.
[aside to camera:]
Mark: Yeah, our relationship is going well, really well. That guy really seemed dead.

April: Here, catch this.
Andy: [laughs] You got me in the face. Oh. That one hurt. You have a good arm.
April: I know. I used to play softball in high school.
Andy: Shut up. I played baseball in high school.
April: Shut up.
Andy: Yeah, that's, like, the boy version of softball.

Leslie Knope: Guys, don't play with the food, okay? We need this for the picnic. We have everything?
Andy: Yes, ma'am. Three picnic baskets, assorted cheeses, grapes, wine.
Leslie Knope: Smoked salmon?
Andy: April threw the smoked salmon on the roof. I'm sorry.