Andy: So if you had to sleep with one of the old guys, who would it be?
April: The super old one.
Andy: Really?
April: Mm-hmm. I'm an eyebrow girl. I want to make out with him and chew his eyebrows off.
Andy: [laughing] That is... Really gross.

Leslie Knope: Okay, guys, you know what I would love? I'd love if anybody just said something positive about - Oh, I don't know - anything.
Michael Tansley: I agree. Let's just relax, smoke another "j," And all calm down.
Leslie Knope: Another?
Michael Tansley: By the way, it's ridiculous that pot is illegal.
Leslie Knope: Oh.
Michael Tansley: It grows... In the ground. I've planted marijuana in community gardens all over the city, and it hasn't hurt anyone.
Leslie Knope: What?
David Moser: You know, Michael, you are one pot-loving [bleep], mother[bleep] pain in the rectum.
Leslie Knope: Okay, stop it. Stop it. You're all being awful, horrible men.
Clarence Carrington: Uh-oh. Your little friend come to visit?
Leslie Knope: Clarence, if you mention anything about women or menstruation... Or anything, I'm gonna take your face, and I'm gonna shove it in those brambles.
David Moser: Yes.
Leslie Knope: No, you're next, buddy. Andy! Let's take this picture. Come on, get out of your seat, turds.

Tom: And here's the obstruction series. What do you think? Amazing, right? I call this one "The Future."
Ann: It's completely blurry.
Tom: Yes, it is, Ann.
Ann: What about the ones we took on the swing, the normal ones?
Tom: You mean the "unhappy wife" photos?
Ann: Oh, my God. These are even worse somehow. I look miserable.
Mark: You do look kind of miserable.
Tom: Now you know what I meant by, "make your face better."
Mark: Was there something wrong, Ann? I--
Ann: Well, I'd just gotten off a long shift. He was being really annoying.
Tom: Mark looks happy.

Leslie Knope: Hey, Ron, you want me to read you what I have so far in my welcome letter? Nothing. Because you and your jerk predecessors didn't give me anything to work with.
Ron Swanson: Did you... print this out? I heard the printer going.
Leslie Knope: Yes.
Ron Swanson: You could've just handed me a blank piece of paper.
Leslie Knope: Oh, wisdom. Finally. Thank you so much. You can also keep the photo. Thanks for the memories.
Ron Swanson: Good god. I don't remember this.
Leslie Knope: That- That's the wrong one. But the real one's very bad as well. I want you to know that I'm replacing the welcome letter with this ad for yearning by Dennis Feinstein. So good-bye, distilled wisdom of 50 years of experience. Hello, disgusting fragrance flap.
Ron Swanson: Let me buy you dinner.
Leslie Knope: No. I insist you buy me dinner.

Bouncer: I.D.?
April: I'm 24.
Bouncer: No, you're not.
April: Okay, I'm 25. No old jokes, please.
Bouncer: I.D. It says right here you're 20. Seriously? You're not even gonna show me a fake?
April: Sometimes the confidence confuses people.

Ron Swanson: The usual, Marta.
Leslie Knope: Me too, Marta.
Marta: You got it.
Leslie Knope: [sighing] Oh, Ron... I really made love to the pooch on this one.
Ron Swanson: Screwed the pooch?
Leslie Knope: I don't like that term. It's so vulgar.

Ron Swanson: I got to hand it to Michael. His water-pipe-making skills were most impressive. I once saw him smoke pot out of a 20-foot length of garden hose and a milk jug. That guy made a water pipe out of a stuffed raccoon.
Leslie Knope: No way.
Ron Swanson: No, I'm not kidding.
Leslie Knope: He made a bong out of a taxidermied raccoon?
Ron Swanson: I caught him smoking pot out of it not three feet from where we're standing. [thunk]
Leslie Knope: Oh, nice shot!
Ron Swanson: Right in Clarence's ancient junk.
Leslie Knope: Oh! In the neck!