April: "April, here's something to help you remember our three-legged dog champion."
Ben: Ah, that's cute.
April: "Also, you are way better at laundry. Can you please do mine and send it back to me? Thanks. Love you. Mouse Rat rules. Love, Andy."
Ben: Less cute.
April: "P.S. Please hurry. I've been wearing a bandana as underwear for three days now." Look, there's a picture.
Ben: Ah! That's horrifying.
April: [sighs] I love him so much.

Leslie Knope: Okay, so do you have the results of the study?
Ann: Yes, and they're great. Your tax on soda would definitely lower diabetes in this town. Oh, and I have a great prop for the meeting. This is the amount of sugar that the average Pawnee 10-year-old consumes, from soda, every month.
Leslie Knope: That is gross. [licks finger, puts it in sugar and licks it]
Ann: It's gross.
Leslie Knope: All that sugar?
Ann: It's really gross.
Leslie Knope: What a powerful image.
Ann: What are you doing?
Leslie Knope: What did you put in the sugar? It's so good.

April: I actually think you look really good, except for the stick up your butt.
Ben: Who do you think drew it? Was it Nathaniel? Ellis? Man, I feel like these interns do not respect or like me at all.
Andy: Honestly, you could loosen up a bit on the font stuff. [sighs] And everything in general.
Ben: God, this is insane. They're interns. They're totally replaceable, and I'm their boss. Just fire them. [on the phone] Uh, hey, Jen. Listen, I'm having a problem with some of the interns. I'm thinking of making some changes. Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: Turns out Ellis is Congressman Murray's nephew. Nathaniel is related to Donald Rumsfeld. Brittany's dad is Ben Bernanke's dentist. Every single one of these little twerps is seriously connected. So, new plan. Instead of firing them, I am going to kiss their asses like crazy.

Leslie Knope: Okay, I think we're done here. Thank you so much.
Kathryn Pinewood: Oh, councilwoman, one more thing. If your tax bill passes, local restaurants will hurt badly. We'll have to lay off about 100 people.
Leslie Knope: You're bluffing. She's bluffing. Are you bluffing?
Kathryn Pinewood: The second your tax bill passes, this press release goes wide. See you at the meeting.
Leslie Knope: "Leslie Knope Soda Tax Forces Massive Layoffs." Oh, my God, Ann. I need some sugar.
Ann: No, no. No, no, no! Stop it! Leslie, you stop it right now!

Leslie Knope: Okay, let's get started. I proposed this bill, but the issue has become very complicated, so before I decide how I am going to vote, I'd love to hear from both sides. Who'd like to start? Yes.
Roger: Yeah, I work at Colonel Plump's, and word around the Slop Trough is, they're talking about laying people off. So, maybe you could get off your high horse and help me keep my job.
All: Yeah!
Leslie Knope: Well, sir, I may vote against the tax, because, frankly, I don't take job losses lightly.
Dee Dee: No. I want the tax. My husband started drinking those giant sodas, and he's gained 100 pounds in three months. Consequently, we haven't had sex in ten years.
Ann: I-I thought you said he gained weight in the last three months.
Dee Dee: Well, we have lots of other problems.
Leslie Knope: Well, ma'am, my original stance was that implementing this tax would be good for public health.
Grover: All taxation is theft! If the government can tax me, I-I can--I can do this.
Leslie Knope: Grover, give that woman her purse back.
Grover: There's a lot of pill bottles in here.
Leslie Knope: Okay.

Tom: [aside to camera] Been making some modifications to the pace car. Speaker system, Mad Men bar, iPad dock, and bam! Orange racing stripe. It's a perfect recreation of Han Lue's Nissan in The Fast And The Furious: Tokyo Drift. Weirdly, so far, no one has noticed.

Leslie Knope: Okay, anyone else?
Pearl: Yeah, if we put a tax on soda, I mean, what's next, income?
Leslie Knope: Sir, you don't pay your income tax?
Pearl: Whether or not I pay income tax is none of the government's business.
Leslie Knope: Oh, well, no, actually, it is.
Pearl: Well, you don't know my name or what I look like, so good luck finding me.

Ann: How are you gonna vote?
Leslie Knope: I don't know. If I vote for the tax, then I might lose my job, and if I vote against it, I might be betraying my own bill. It's like I'm floating in this giant river of ambiguity. I'm under a warm waterfall of uncertainty.
Ann: Do you just have to pee real bad?
Leslie Knope: Yes.

Ethel Beavers: Councilman Howser?
Councilman Howser: Aye.
Ethel Beavers: Councilman Howser votes aye. Councilwoman Knope, how do you vote?
Leslie Knope: Oh, no.
[Leslie vomits into her over-sized soda container]
Leslie Knope: Gentlemen, it appears that I have fallen ill. Mayhaps, might I suggest that we have a re--aah! [vomits] Can we take a recess?

Ann: Well. your pulse is super-fast, but that wouldn't be out of line for someone who drank and then barfed up a gallon of sugar water.
Leslie Knope: Wow, I'm a mess. Everything's upside-down, you know? I mean, when I used to just work here, I was always so sure of myself. Now everything is different.
Jerry: Jeez. Do you guys know how to dissolve super glue?
Ann: Well, not everything's different, right?
Leslie Knope: Right.