Leslie Knope: Okay, um, let's take a quick straw poll. Hold up green if you agree and red if you disagree. Ann?
Ann: "The soda tax is good and will help people get healthier."
Leslie Knope: So, about half?
Ann: Half. Okay, "the soda tax is bad and unfair to consumers."
Leslie Knope: Half and half. Thank you very much. This is very confusing.
Roger: I've got an idea. Maybe instead of me losing my job, you ought to lose your job. Let's recall Leslie Knope. [applause]

Ben: Let's do this! Nice catch! Someone please tell me we Kodaked that moment. Yeah, rocked that scoober! Whoa! You got it, Howie! [applause] All right, April, what's the score?
April: 1,000 to 7.
Ben: Good sportsmanship, bro. Sorry.

Tom: Playaz, at your marks.
Andy: What do you run for again, Chris?
Chris: Nobody. Nothing. Does it really even matter?
Tom: Get set. Get at me!
[As Andy sets off running, Chris falls to the ground]
Tom: Whoa!
Andy: Oh, hey, you okay?
Chris: No. There's something wrong with my body.
Andy: What?
Chris: My legs aren't working. I'm broken. I need to go to the hospital and see a doctor right away.

Leslie Knope: Hey.
Ann: Yikes. You look weird.
Leslie Knope: So do you. That's a lie. You always look beautiful. Okay, well, I couldn't sleep a wink last night, so at 5:00 in the morning, I went to Paunch Burger for a pick-me-up. I couldn't decide what kind of soda I wanted, so I had them put all six in one cup. You know what it tastes like?
Ann: Disgusting?
Leslie Knope: Mm-hmm.

Ben: Look, I don't care who you're related to. I'm your boss, and you can't keep disrespecting me like this.
Ellis: Hey, man, I didn't draw it. Your daughter did.
Ben: What?
Ellis: Her.
Ben: April's not my daughter. She's my friend. Does everyone think she's my daughter? Whatever. The point is, she would never do that to me.
April: Sorry, Dad.

Leslie Knope: Ron, the people at the public forum said they might want to fire me.
Ron Swanson: So what? I've tried to fire you.
Leslie Knope: [laughs] Okay, Ron, come on. Be serious.
Ron Swanson: I was not joking. Here is your personnel file. See for yourself.
Leslie Knope: "Brilliant work." "Commendation." "Above and beyond."
Ron Swanson: Keep reading.
Leslie Knope: "Request for termination"? You tried to fire me once?
Ron Swanson: No, no, no, no. I tried to fire you four times.
Leslie Knope: What--you--me--fou-- four--fired--times?
Ron Swanson: If you need to boot again, the trash can's on your right.

Tom: He's kind of right, Chris. You were freaking out because you were thinking about Andy and his family and how you don't have one. Every time something tiny goes wrong, you spiral like crazy. Maybe you should see a therapist. I hope I'm not out of line.
Chris: Au contraire, mon frere. You are as "in line" as a person can be. You are a genius and an amazing motivator.

April: Here's that report you wanted, boss. It's funny because it has 30 different fonts on it, and you only like one. Do you like it?
Ben: Yeah, it's hilarious.
April: Okay, I'm sorry I drew those pictures of you. I was just messing around.
Ben: Look, you may not take this seriously, but this job is important to me. And by the way, you should take it seriously, because I asked you to come work here because I thought you'd enjoy it and I think you're smart, but you have to have some semblance of professionalism, and I need you to give, like, even a 15% effort.
April: 12%.
Ben: 15. For God's sake, I'm asking for 15% effort. It's not supposed to be a negotiation.
April: Fine. I'm sorry. 15.

Ellis: [on the phone] Yeah, I love cupcakes.
April: [takes phone] Ellis hates you, and he has herpes. [hangs up]
Ellis: Hey, what's your problem?
April: My problem is you, Smellis. Ben told you to finish the website, and if you don't do it, I swear to God, I'm gonna murder you in your sleep. I know where you live. 14th street, right? I'm gonna get a melon baller and scoop your eyes out and eat them, and your congressman uncle is gonna have to buy you a dog to drag your eyeless face around. Do you understand me?
Ellis: Yes.
[April kisses Ellis nose, then slaps his face]
April: Do it.

Ben: Hey, Ellis. Ell-bow. Ell-chupacabra. Drinkin' coffee.
Ellis: What?
Ben: Oh, it's--it's a-- it's from 40 years ago. Never mind.