Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] So we are throwing a little shindig for the police department because we're asking them to volunteer as security during the Harvest Festival. I don't know what it is about big outdoor gatherings that makes everyone want to urinate all over everything, but it does. And they do.

Tom: I don't want to see them together. It's like they're rubbing it in my face. So all I can think about is Captain Mustache plowing my ex-wife.
Andy: And you imagine he's wearing a cape while he's plowing her?
Tom: What?
Andy: No, just, Captain Mustache? I mean, if all you can think of is Ron, you know... [grunting] .. Maybe put him in some tights and a cape and then... and then it would be funny.
Tom: Now, I'm imagining a cape.

Chris: I'd like you to get me some more Post-its. I'd like them in multiple colors. I'd like green. I'd like yellow. Do not buy orange. I do not want orange. I have plenty of orange.
April: Got it. You want five million orange post-its.
Chris: [laughs] That's hilarious. Oh, wait! I have a Post-it for you. It says, "Great job."
April: Mmm.
Chris: Great job!
April: Mmm.
Chris: There you go.
[aside to camera: April holds up an orange Post-it reading "Help!"]

Ben: Hey, I hate to nag, but shouldn't we be talking strategy, like, when to ask the chief for this huge critical favor?
Leslie Knope: Yes. I know exactly when we should do it. Post pizza, pre ice cream, between his third and fourth beer. He'll be full but not stuffed, tipsy but not drunk. Should be around 9:00.
Ben: Okay, so you've thought this through.
Leslie Knope: Just sit tight. I'll get you a beer.

Leslie Knope: Hey, you okay?
Ron Swanson: Wendy and I are over. She's moving back to Canada. It's too bad. I just taught her how to whittle. She made me this tiny sharpened stick.
Leslie Knope: Look, I'm gonna tell you what I tell all my girlfriends when they get dumped. Men are dogs.
Ron Swanson: Thank you, Leslie. That does not apply to this situation at all. But thank you. I appreciate it.

Leslie Knope: Chief Trumple?
Chief Trumple: Hey, Knope.
Leslie Knope: You know Ben Wyatt from the State Budget Office.
Chief Trumple: Yeah, how's it going?
Ben: Hello.
Chief Trumple: Thanks for the party. Good pizza.
Ben: Great. So, yeah, the pizza's dynamite, isn't it?
Chief Trumple: I just said it was good pizza. It's good. Pizza's good.
Ben: You, uh, you know what I like? Calzones.
Chief Trumple: What the hell is wrong with this guy?
Leslie Knope: It's all right. We'll check in with you later.
Ben: Take it easy.
Chief Trumple: Yeah, will do.

Chief Trumple: They started having sex at the court house. We had no choice.
Leslie Knope: Oh, well, I completely understand. Chief, I need to ask you a huge favor.
Ben: Leslie.
Leslie Knope: Ron is a good man who just got caught up in something terrible. And I was hoping that maybe you would reduce his charges and release him into my custody.
Chief Trumple: All right. But keep him away from that crazy librarian.
Leslie Knope: I'll do my best.
Chief Trumple: In fact, I don't want him within 500 feet of the library.
Leslie Knope: That's good advice for all of us.
Chief Trumple: Nothing but trouble there.

Leslie Knope: Whale tale. Whale tale. She's flashing a whale tale. Abort. Abort.
Ron Swanson: Hello, Tammy.
Tammy Two: Oh. Hello, Ron. I didn't see you come in. I was just checking myself for scoliosis.
Ron Swanson: And?
Tammy Two: Straight as an arrow. Just like somebody else I know. Jerky?

Tom: What's up? Tom Haverford's in the building. Whoo!
Leslie Knope: Tom, what the hell are you doing?
Tom: Same thing you're doing, celebrating Pawnee's finest. I believe you know my date, Tammy Swanson.
Tammy Two: Hiya, Ron.
Tom: Oh. Hiya, Ron.
Tammy Two: Hey, Ron.
Tom: I'm sorry. Is seeing your ex-wife on my arm making you uncomfortable? Gee, I can't imagine why. Or can I? Ooh, I like this song. Do you wanna dance, Tammy?
Tammy Two: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Ron Swanson: Tammy.
Tammy Two: Uh. Oh, hi, Ron. I was just tasting my new boyfriend, Glenn.
Tom: Tom.
Ron Swanson: You don't know what you're mixed up in, son. This isn't about you. It's about me.
Tom: Typical Ron Swanson. Always thinking about yourself. Maybe we like each other.
Tammy Two: Yeah, maybe we do.