Craig: [sneezes] Ugh! The sawdust from Ron's chairs is everywhere! My sinuses are on the Fritz, and smell is 90% of taste, maybe 95%!
Tom: Okay, Craig, Donna's gonna be your wine taster. You guys will work as a team.
Donna: Fine, but if he raises his voice once... once... I'm out.
Tom: Please don't stick to that policy.

Ben: Okay, we have to convince 'em that Pawnee is a special city.
Andy: Ooh, we could tell 'em that there's buried treasure in Pawnee. And then after they give us the free Wi-Fi, we tell 'em that the treasure was love all along.

Ben: What the hell? They're playing Cones of Dunshire.
Andy: Hey, you invented that game. Are they playing any games I invented? Are they throwing dirt into a fan? The key is, you have to throw the dirt into the back of the fan.
Ben: How the hell did they... Excuse me. How did you guys get your hands on this game?
Sam: Someone sent it to us. Have you played it?
Ben: I invented Cones of Dunshire.
Sam: You're the architect. Yeah, right, and I'm the Alchemist of the Hinterlands. [laughter]
Ben: There can't be an Alchemist of the Hinterlands. The Hinterlands is a shadow kingdom that can only sustain a provost or a denier.
Mike: He's right.
Ben: Hey, how about this? Let's play. If I win, you give me another shot at free wireless for Pawnee.
Mike: Have a seat. You want to be corporal... or warrior?
Ben: Neither. I'm the Maverick.

Leslie Knope: By using the Leslie Knope seamless merger supersystem, patent pending, Pawnee and Eagleton and their parks departments will be fully integrated within the next 6 to 12 months.
Erica: [laughing]
Leslie Knope: [laughing] I know, I know. I think it was a good presentation too. Is that why you're laughing?
Erica: Your timeline is way off. I was in charge of the Wesham/Southborough merger of 2004. You know when it was completed? Last month.
Leslie Knope: What? How is that possible?
Erica: Merging governments requires constant hands-on management. You're being very cavalier about the future of your town.
Leslie Knope: Excuse me. I've been accused of lot of things, but cavalier has never been one of them. I have a super system.
Golm: I had a system too, but the economy went south. My hometown hit some hard times and was converted into unincorporated territory.
Leslie Knope: You lost your cityhood?
Golm: If you want to see this through, you need eight to ten years minimum, unless you want to run the risk of Pawnee becoming...
Leslie Knope: Don't say it.
Golm: Unincorporated territory.

Ron Swanson: Stop hassling me.
Tom: Ron, you're amazing. You've always been like a grandpa to me, but can you please lower your standards a tiny bit so my customers have somewhere to sit?
Ron Swanson: No.

Jerry: [drops glass] Oh! I am so sorry, Tom.
Tom: I can't believe I'm saying this, but don't worry about it. Restaurant superstition... breaking a glass on the first night is good luck.
Jerry: Oh, thank God. [knocks over the glass rack] Oh, jeez.

Ben: Play an action card, build a bell tower inside your citadel.
Mike: My shaman casts a toyber spell on your prosperity tile. Looks like someone's out of resource gems. [laughter] Uh-oh.
Ben: [long silence, laughs]
Mike: What's so funny?
Ben: Oh, no, no, no, you're a smart guy, clearly picked up some flashy tricks, but you made one crucial mistake. You forgot about the essence of the game. It's about the Cones. [dice rattling] Move my abbot to the ocean hex, which moves my Brinksman to the Devil's Lair, and pushes my farmer... yes, my humble farmer... directly into the central cone.
Andy: Woo-hoo! Yeah, babe, we did it. This whole company is ours.
Ben: Oh, no, it's not.
Andy: That's mine, it's all mine.
Ben: Andy... for the record, I did invent this game. But it doesn't even matter, because I won and I get another chance to prove that there's something truly special about Pawnee.
Mike: Yes, there is. It's the home of the architect. Let's talk.

Mitch Savner: For crying out loud!
Tom: No, Mitch, don't leave. Come on.
Mitch Savner: You have no idea how to run a restaurant. I've been in this game before and I can see the cracks starting to form. Sorry, kid, consider my investment terminated. D, let's go.
Ron Swanson: Sir, were you sitting in that chair?
Mitch Savner: Yes, yes I was. Why?
Ron Swanson: No reason.
Mitch Savner: Let's go!
[As Mitch walks away, we see chair-shaped varnish stains down the back of his suit]

Ben: Apparently, and I don't know how, but the game has spread. I mean, it's all over the Internet... Austin, Charlotte, San Diego. I mean, people are playing with my Cones, babe.
Leslie Knope: That's great.
Ben: I'm just bummed I never copyrighted it. Oh, I'll look into that, but at least because of it, Pawnee will get free wireless, and we can both move away with a clear conscience. Uh-oh. What's wrong?
Leslie Knope: I... I can't leave Pawnee during a difficult merger that I'm responsible for. I have to turn down the job.
Ben: Leslie, no. You made up your mind yesterday. You... Michelle Obama.
Leslie Knope: I know, but I've been doing this for months. The only thing that I am 100% positive on is that I want to stay and go. I'm never gonna be able to decide. I'm gonna be paralyzed by hypotheticals until I die here, in this minivan... at the San Francisco airport.
Ben: Wait a second. I have an idea. [to the taxi driver] Drive here.

April: [smashes glass] Hey!
Tom: No, my stemware!
April: You are not quitting. I just called a bunch of reviewers, and I told them that the soft opening went great, and I invited them to come here on Friday.
Tom: Why would you do this to me?
April: You worked really hard. You owe it to yourself to give it a real shot, because you are smart and talented.
Tom: Well, I hate doing work, but I love being flattered, so maybe I'll give it another try.