April: Andy, look at this little guy! He's such a little runt. Hey, there.
Andy: Hey, Tom, look. Oh, I just had five cats on me at once! You wanna come in here and try to break my record?
Tom: That's okay, Andy, I think I'm gonna keep my distance. Don't want none of that animal dander interacting with this cashmere.

Andy: Hey, Ben, the pig ate your noise-canceling headphones. [chuckling] Pigs are awesome!

April: Jerry, the puppies are going to the bathroom everywhere. We can't let people see that. I need you to continuously clean out the cages, okay?
Jerry: You got it, boss.
April: Thank you.

Councilman Pillner: Oh, for God's sake, Leslie. There's just not enough money to do all the things you wanna do. You're trying to fit two ships into one bottle. Take it from me, you can't do that.
Ben: Okay, just look at this. There are three employees designated as D1, or on retainer. Public Works is still paying them even though they haven't worked in two years.
Leslie Knope: It's an oversight. We get rid of them and we have just enough money to keep the animal shelter operating while still maintaining the Parks budget.
Councilman Pillner: Interesting.
Leslie Knope: Looks like we found a bigger bottle.
Councilman Pillner: I know you're just making a joke, but using a bigger bottle would be considered cheating by most of our major trade publications. FYI.

April: Why is it so dead? Where is everyone?
Tom: Don't give up yet. There's a few minutes left.
Woman: Is this where we drop off our unwanted cats?
April: No. It's the opposite.
Woman: Okay. I'm just gonna put these here for a second.

Leslie Knope: Do you think Barack and Michelle Obama feel like this at the end of the day?
Ben: Probably. I mean, I don't know how else... wait a second. Is that... so am I Michelle?

Leslie Knope: We saved the animal shelter and the Parks budget.
Ann: That's great news. Let me guess. You found room in other parts of the budget somewhere?
Leslie Knope: Totally. Got rid of a bunch of lame-ass D1's from Public Works.
Ann: Awesome news. Hey, you know what else is pretty neat, is thanks to you, Councilman Pillner went through the budget and decided that not just Public Works but all D1's will be terminated in two weeks. I'm getting fired.
Leslie Knope: Ba-what now?

Chris: Oh! Councilman Houser... I was just looking for you. I have found my assistant city manager. You wanna guess who it is? It's Ron Swanson! I'm sorry. I should've let you guess. I'm just so excited.

Leslie Knope: If I could just get a little bit more time, I could figure out how to fix this.
Councilman Pillner: Unfortunately, I cannot give you any more time. With due respect... Leslie, I am retiring at the end of this term, so I've been fine with you guys pushing me around on this budget thing. But if you're ever gonna hold this job, there's something you need to understand. City Council isn't about making everybody in town happy. In fact, every decision you make is gonna make a lot of people very unhappy. We play with live ammo around here. Now I'm gonna close the book on this budget draft by the end of the business day. So if you can find some way out of this mess by 5:00 P.M., you let me know.
Leslie Knope: Thank you.
Ben: That's fair.

Andy: I did it! I got it out.
Councilman Pillner: Oh, geez. You don't take the ship out.
Andy: Here you go.