Leslie Knope: Look, we are gonna be here for ten hours. We could either talk about our issues and work through our problems, or we can just sit here doing nothing.
Ron Swanson: I choose "sit here."
Leslie Knope: Come on, Ron, why don't we just--
Ron Swanson: Sit here.
Leslie Knope: Ron.
Ron Swanson: Sit here.
Leslie Knope: I bet I can make you talk.
Ron Swanson: I'll take that bet at any odds, for any amount of money, over any length of time stretching from now into infinity.

Ron Swanson: Please, Mr. Janitor. If you just look over here for two seconds, I'll do anything.
Leslie Knope: Hey!
Ron Swanson: I'll watch a foreign film. I'll talk to a man with a ponytail.
Leslie Knope: Oh, he's gone, Ron. He's gone.

Ben: Sorry, Ron, doors are locked. We've taken your key cards and your phones, and the automatic timer won't go off until tomorrow at 8:00 a.m. You're trapped in there.
Tom: We told security not to disturb you under any circumstances. And the phones and internet? Oh, they've been disconnected.
April: And I left a rusty hacksaw on the table, so the first person who hacks their face off gets release.
Andy: [laughs] That's not- What? Is that true?

Leslie Knope: Guys, this is insane, okay? Let us out. Oh, my God, babe. Game of Thrones is on tonight. It's the series finale. Khaleesi is marrying Jack Sparrow. Oh, God, that show has really gone off the rails.
Ben: It makes sense if you've read the books.

Ron Swanson: We are not saying I was the problem. If we're gonna lie to them, I will not let you lie to them.
Leslie Knope: Fine! I'll tell them that for the past three years, you've been a perfect gentleman and scholar, and I am an insane weirdo who, despite being the only reason we even had a friendship to begin with, decided to ruin it out of the blue for no good reason.
Ron Swanson: That sounds good. Let's go with that.
Ron Swanson: What are you doing?
Leslie Knope: I destroyed the monitor!
Ron Swanson: What if we have an emergency and have to get out of here?
Leslie Knope: I did not consider that possibility!

Ron Swanson: So... what would you like to talk about?
Leslie Knope: Oh, come on, Ron. We were friends for ten years.
Ron Swanson: We were work proximity associates.
Leslie Knope: We were friends. And now we're not. And once again, it is up to me to save our friendship, and I will do so using the most powerful tool known to man: a well-organized chart. Three years ago, I accept a job at National Parks. You and I see each other less, admittedly, due to my busy schedule and your utter lack of interest in maintaining adult friendships.
Ron Swanson: Work proximity associate-ships.
Leslie Knope: Three months later, April comes to work for me. We throw her a party. At her request, the party's theme is "Zombie Teenage Biker Gang Pizza Jamboree."
Ron Swanson: I remember. You made me wear a leather jacket.
Leslie Knope: That is the last time you and I see each other for more than five minutes. Three months later, you come and visit me at my office on the third floor for the very first time. One week later, I return from a trip, and I find out you have quit the Parks Department and you have started your own building company without even bothering to tell me. "Oh, well," I think to myself. "You know, it was only a matter of time." And then, two months after that, Morningstar, the final twist of the knife.
Ron Swanson: Oh, for God's sake.

Leslie Knope: I hear about Morningstar, and I calmly saunter down to your office and attempt to have a rational discussion with you about it.
[flashback:]
Leslie Knope: What the hell, Ron? You're building your stupid building on the block next to Pawnee Commons? The park that I built from scratch out of a pit? This building is gonna ruin the views, you jerk. And you're gonna tear all the houses down?
Ron Swanson: Yes.
Leslie Knope: Ann lived there, Ron. That's Ann's old house. That's my best friend's old house. That was the house where I put on my wedding dress the night I got married. That is the house where April and Andy met for the first time. That is the house where Ann gave me my first ever smoky eye look.
Ron Swanson: She hasn't lived there for five years.
Leslie Knope: That's not the point. This building is a monstrosity. And what's it called? Morningstar? [British accent] "Oh, dear. We live at the Morningstar. That's so posh and hibbley-fibbley-gibbley."
Ron Swanson: The world needs apartment buildings. The park you built is nice, and people want to live next to it.
Leslie Knope: That's not the point. You knew that I would be furious, and you didn't have the guts to tell me yourself. Enjoy your new job, Judas.

Leslie Knope: Look, before you do that--
Ron Swanson: Too late. Here we go. Fire in the hole!
[For He's a Jolly Good Fellow plays]
Leslie Knope: Whoo! I gave you that as a gift on your fifth anniversary as Parks director.
Ron Swanson: You told me this was a genuine partially defused claymore mine.
Leslie Knope: Well, it was. I bought the empty shell off of eBay, and then I filled it with, you know, balloons and confetti and such.
Ron Swanson: You mean to tell me I have had a toy on my desk for ten years?
Leslie Knope: You mean to tell me you've thought you've thought you had an actual land mine on your desk?
Leslie Knope: [on recording] Congratulations, Ron. You've been doing an explosive job!
Leslie Knope: [laughs] Come on, Ron. It's funny stuff.

Ron Swanson: Should be one more thing in that file.
Leslie Knope: Aw, it's the thank-you note I wrote to you after the interview. You kept it. "Dear Mr. Swanson, I'm sorry for raising my voice in the interview, and I'm sorry I called you a heartless thug." Oh, well, okay. There you go. "If it matters, I promise I would never raise my voice at you if we worked together."
Ron Swanson: Liar.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, I was being really optimistic. "Please enjoy these homemade brownies as a gesture of goodwill. Leslie Knope."
Ron Swanson: That was the real reason I hired you. Those brownies were damn good.

Leslie Knope: Ron, look how far we've come. We're doing so great. Let's just bring it home, okay? Let's just talk about our issues.
Ron Swanson: Leslie, don't push it.
Leslie Knope: Okay, fine. If I guess and guess right, you have to tell me. Ready? [snaps] Two years ago, you found out you were 1/4 French, and you had a nervous breakdown.
Ron Swanson: Okay, playtime is over. I'm getting out of here once and for all.
Leslie Knope: No, Ron! God, no! [Ron pulls the fire alarm] That alarm is just for sprinklers. April kept pulling it, so the fire department disconnected it.
Ron Swanson: I see.