Leslie Knope: Aha! Jackpot. You know what this is, Ron? This is a mix I made for the summer Parks barbecue, 2007. I asked everyone in the Parks Department to choose one song. You chose Buddy by Willie Nelson, a fact I remember because my mind is a steel trap of friendship nuggets. But I am not going to play your choice. I'm gonna play Jerry's choice.
[Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" plays]
Leslie Knope: Ooh, that's right. And I'm gonna sing along. And I'm gonna maintain eye contact the whole time. And guess what. I don't know the words. [sings] Harry Truman was a guy America, Red China All the countries, other people Everyone is fun Joe Mantegna, Ian McKellen I have to buy a new toaster This is awesome, you're so stupid Jumping up and down. [talks] Whoo! Oh, I got it on repeat. Come on, Ron. Do you want to hear it again, or do you want to talk? No? Okay, next verse. [sings] Freddy Krueger bought some pants Oprah has a turtle farm Peter Piper pee-pee poopy Daddy ate a squirrel
Ron Swanson: Stop this!

Ron Swanson: Is that nuclear waste?
Leslie Knope: No, this is my job application from when you hired me.
Ron Swanson: How did you get that?
Leslie Knope: Freedom of Information Act request. But here's the thing. I've never read it. This application contains your very first impressions of me. It's the Rosetta Stone, Ron. The beginning of the whole shebang. This is all you wrote? Three lousy lines?
Ron Swanson: Why would anyone need more than three lines? I'm describing a person, not something complicated like a wooden sailing ship or proper dovetail technique. I forgot what I wrote. Can I hear it?
Leslie Knope: Why don't you read it yourself?
Ron Swanson: "Leslie Knope is an absurd idealist whose political leanings are slightly to the left of Leon Trotsky." So far, so accurate. "If we were to work together, she would undoubtedly drive me insane, and it is possible that we would murder each other."
Leslie Knope: You forgot the last sentence.
Ron Swanson: No, I didn't. I remember that part. It says, "Hire her."

Ron Swanson: Honestly, Leslie, it's fine. It was a punctuation mark on a sentence that had already been written. My time in government work was over. Sure, I loved shutting things down and bleeding the rotting beast from the inside.
Leslie Knope: Your metaphors are so beautiful.
Ron Swanson: But it was time for me to leave, and I didn't feel like explaining why to you or anyone. Everything that happened after - the fight we had, not giving you a heads-up when my company took on the Morningstar development and bulldozed the nurse's old house - I do regret that. I had a good run here. But after you and Tom and Donna and April and Terry left, when I looked around this office, nothing was the same.

Leslie Knope: Is it that I sent you a birthday card through the US mail, so the post office knew your address?
Ron Swanson: [o.s.] No. Go away.
Leslie Knope: Ooh, is it because I had Food and Stuff temporarily shut down due to a health code violation?
Ron Swanson: That was you?
Leslie Knope: They had fresh produce out right next to the roach spray.
Ron Swanson: The name of the store is "Food and Stuff." They sell food, and they sell stuff. If you don't like it, go to that new place, Complete Food.
Leslie Knope: It's called Whole Foods.

Leslie Knope: Why did you give me the job? And that's what I don't get. We should've never worked together. Why did you hire me?
Ron Swanson: Because of your interview.
Leslie Knope: Okay, that doesn't make any sense. I mean, I remember that interview. You were wearing that exact outfit. And you said to me, "Ms. Knope, I have one question for you. What do you believe the role of government is in America?"
Ron Swanson: You blathered on for ten minutes about social safety nets and honest governance and improving lives. Basic nonsense.
Leslie Knope: Then you said, "Everything that just came out of your mouth is basic nonsense. Good day." And that was it.
Ron Swanson: No, that was not it. After I said you were full of it, you got very angry and scrunched up your face and said, "Excuse me, sir, but I disagree." [chuckles] Did you let me have it. That was one of your top ten tirades, I'd say. You were pounding your fist and shaking. You called me a heartless thug.
Leslie Knope: I most certainly did not.
Ron Swanson: You were tough and honest, and you stood up for what you believed in, even though it might've killed your chance to get the job. I would rather work with a person like that than with a milquetoast yes-man.

Ron Swanson: How many more questions are you going to ask me?
Leslie Knope: As many as I need to to solve this mystery and get us engaged in a deep and stimulating conversation about our friendship. Ron, what are you doing?
Ron Swanson: I know I saw it. Aha! Detonator. The partially defused claymore mine you gave me ten years ago. I'm gonna use it to blow a hole in this damn door so I can get out of here.
Leslie Knope: Ron, just wait a second.
Ron Swanson: No. I'm being held as a prisoner against my will, and I have the right, as a citizen of the United States, to blow a hole in that [bleep] door and walk out as a free man. It's in the Constitution.
Leslie Knope: There's no cursing in the Constitution.

Leslie Knope: I love it. But I feel bad. I don't have anything for you. I-- For the first time in my life, I am present-less.
Ron Swanson: How 'bout you buy me a meal? You hungry?
Leslie Knope: I'm starving. April, Ron and I are going to JJ's to eat too much breakfast food.
Ron Swanson: Why does anybody in the world ever eat anything but breakfast food?
Leslie Knope: People are idiots, Ron.

Ben: Look, our baby monitor is on the table. If you guys can talk this out and settle your differences like grown-ups, turn it on, and I will come to get you from my office. Otherwise, we will see you at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.
Ron Swanson: I am going to break out of here, then I am going to snap you in half.
Donna: Hey. This is not his fault, Swanson. Be a man, and get your house in order. You too, Knope.

Ron Swanson: Okay, think. There must be a way out of here.
Leslie Knope: I don't think there is. They installed these magnetic locks two years ago. There's no way around them.
Ron Swanson: Yes, there is. I'll simply punch my fist through a window.
Leslie Knope: Ron, there's security wire in there. You'll slice your arm open.
Ron Swanson: I would rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for ten hours.

Leslie Knope: Everything's different. I mean, the furniture, the pictures. Craig changed everything.
Ron Swanson: Did he? I tried not to notice anything when I worked here. Or talk to anyone. Or learn anyone's name. You, of all people, should know that, Lauren.