Donna: Are you gonna hit that?
Ann: Him? He isn't exactly boyfriend material.
Donna: Who said anything about a boyfriend? Use him, abuse him, lose him. That's the Meagle motto.
[aside to camera:]
Donna: Grammy Meagle taught me that. She died at the age of 84, sandwiched between two thirty-year-olds.

Ben: Okay, this is bad, right?
Leslie Knope: Yeah, this is bad. This is like a poop tornado. This is like a poopnado. This is way worse than that. This is a huge government project, and already a lightning rod. And then you add the Wamapoke controversy. Double lightning rod.
Ben: Plus we lost that little pony.
Leslie Knope: It's a mini horse! And that's the third lightning rod. Triple lightning rod! And then you have the curse, quadruple lightning rod. This is a classic four rod disaster.
Ben: Oh, right, one of those.

Andy: You know where I would hide if I was horse? The Merry-go-round. Think about it! You just stand still next to all the other horses and no one would ever know. It's the perfect crime.

Leslie Knope: God, now all the vendors are gonna bail. And the ticket sales are gonna go down.
Ben: Wait, I'm sorry. But do people in this town really believe in curses?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Pawnee's a really superstitious town. A traveling magician came by one time and he pulled a rabbit out of a hat, and the mob burned him at the stake for being a witch. The year was 1973.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Li'l Sebastian made his debut at the last Harvest Festival in 1987. And he was an instant phenomenon. That week, he was the eighth most photographed object in America. So suck it, the Alamo.

Donna: How you doing? You doing okay?
Ann: Thank you so much for asking, it's been tough, yeah. Two days ago I was sobbing at a pizza buffet and they asked me to leave. I've been looking at some dog adoption web sites. Bought $700 worth of candles from Anthropologie. I did this to my hair. You know, your basic bottoming out kind of stuff.
Donna: Yeah. Normally, people tell you to talk about your problems, I'm gonna recommend you bottle that noise up.
Ann: That's what my mailman said.

Ron Swanson: Ground mission failed. We need a bird's eye view.
Andy: You want me to climb on top of the ferris wheel?

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] The advantage of being Leslie's boss is that she does everything herself and there are never any problems. Which means, for the next week, I can sit in a lawn chair and read this book about old boats. Excuse me. I have to get back to work.

Joan Callamezzo: Oh, wow. He is so adorable.
Tom: Thank you, Joan. Li'l Sebastian isn't bad either.
Joan Callamezzo: Tom!
Tom: How are you?
Joan Callamezzo: Good. Good to see you.
Tom: Hold on a second. [squeaking sound] Did you get your breasts done? You look amazing.
Joan Callamezzo: Yes, thanks for noticing.
Tom: Joan, listen to me. This Harvest Festival, it's gonna knock your socks off. And when it does, I'm gonna be there to give you a foot massage... To completion. [both laughing]
Ben: Good lord.

Joan Callamezzo: What about your friend Ben, here? We all know his story, one of failure. Remind us of that failure.
Ben: Well, uh, you know, when I was an 18-year-old mayor, I tried to build a winter sports complex called Ice Town and it bankrupted the city.
Joan Callamezzo: Yikes.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: I was also short-stop on my JV baseball team. No one ever brings that up.