Leslie Knope: I know you did this. I don't care what you say. I don't care that you were in the parking lot all night. Somehow you found a way to get in here...
Greg: Wait, wait, wait. How did you know that I was in the parking lot all night?
Leslie Knope: Because I followed you, genius!
Greg: If you followed me all night then you know that it wasn't me. Knope, what is your problem?
Leslie Knope: Look, I have been very civil. But I will waterboard you.
[aside to camera:]
Dave Sanderson: No, no. I don't think she would make a good cop. I would be frightened to live in a town that she's the cop of, frankly.

Ann: What are you doing?
Tom: Ann, do you want me to liven things up or not?
Ann: Of course I do.
Tom: All right, then relax. And turn off all the lights that don't have colored bulbs. [Flo Rida's Jump plays] All right, y'all! Take the pigs in the blanket and put them to sleep! It's time to get wild! Get this furniture out of here, y'all, we're making a dance floor. Come on, y'all. Put the turkey wraps down. We're about to get wild. Ron Swanson's in the building, y'all!

Leslie Knope: Mrs. Pikitis? Hi, I'm Leslie Knope, this is Officer Sanderson.
Andy: Burt Macklin, FBI.
Mrs. Pikitis: What the hell do you think you're doing? You can't just hold a 16-year-old kid against his will.
Dave Sanderson: Well, we were trying to question him about this vandalism.
Mrs. Pikitis: Do you have any evidence?
Leslie Knope: Yes.
Dave Sanderson: No. No. We don't.
Leslie Knope: Two words, peach pit.
Mrs. Pikitis: Peach pit?
Leslie Knope: His DNA is all over it, I assume.
Dave Sanderson: We don't know that.
Leslie Knope: We can get it tested.
Dave Sanderson: We can't.
Leslie Knope: And if it matches your DNA, then you're going away for a long time.

Mrs. Pikitis: Is this a joke?
Leslie Knope: No.
Mrs. Pikitis: I'm calling your shift commander. Monday morning, I am calling your boss. I don't know who to call about you...
Andy: The President of the United States of America.
Mrs. Pikitis: Fine. And if any of you ever come near my son again, I swear to God I will sue you and everyone in this building.

Leslie Knope: Where are you going?
Dave Sanderson: I gotta go tell my boss why I illegally detained a teenager. I shouldn't have gotten involved with this. It's just... It's just bad police work.
Andy: Yeah, it was bad FBI work, too. My bad.

Tom: [aside to camera] Tonight, the "T" in T-Pain stands for Tom Haverford!

Leslie Knope: Why would anyone do this?
Andy: Kids are kids. Everybody does stupid stuff like this in high school.
Leslie Knope: I didn't.
Andy: Yeah, but you were probably a nerd, though, huh?
Leslie Knope: Hey.
Andy: Leslie, I mean that in a good way. Look at you now. You're the coolest person I've ever met. I even met John Cougar Mellencamp once.
Leslie Knope: Andy, why don't you go home? I'll finish cleaning this up.
Andy: No way. I mean, you got me a job and you're helping me turn my life around. I go home when you go home.

Tom: Wendylicious. Where have you been?
Wendy: I was just thanking Ron. For, you know, not telling anyone.
Tom: Oh, yeah. Thank you. That was cool of you.
Wendy: You know, you won't have to keep it a secret much longer, because in a few months we can split up without raising any eyebrows. And we'll invite you to the divorce party.

Leslie Knope: Wait, wait! Wait, wait! This is fun! This is fun! What do I do?
Andy: You just grab the toilet paper, unroll it a little bit like this, and throw it on the tree.
Leslie Knope: This is for Mayor Percy! This is for the Parks Department office! This is for pooping on the handball court! Yeah! This is really fun! But I don't condone it!

Dave Sanderson: I see you in there, Andy. Leslie? What are you doing?
Leslie Knope: Oh, boy.
Woman: That's them, Officer! Right there!
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. Oh, no. I'm so sorry, I think we have the wrong house.
Woman: Why are you doing this?
Leslie Knope: It's really hard to explain, but we were trying to get revenge on this kid, Greg Pikitis, and we thought this was his house, but I guess we got the address wrong.
Woman: I'm Greg's mom.
Leslie Knope: You are?
Woman: Yes. Oh. Did he hire a fake mom again, to get him out of trouble?
Leslie Knope: What?
Woman: Whenever he gets in trouble, he goes on Craigslist and hires a woman to play his mother and bail him out. Oh, that little SOB! Greg! Gregory!
Leslie Knope: I knew it!
Dave Sanderson: Oh, my God.
Andy: Dude. That kid is amazing.
Woman: He's not in his room. I don't know where he is.
Leslie Knope: I do.