Leslie Knope: Wow. Ethel, have you-- Okay, Ethel's asleep. Shauna?
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: I'm writing a memoir based on my blog. It's called Tweeping Up Appearances, and it's about my journey to find happiness by smiling through the pain.
Leslie Knope: Okay, I can work with that.
Donna: Knope, what you got going on in that notebook?
Leslie Knope: Just jotting down memories in my trusty old journal.
April: "Friendship rankings." What's that?
Leslie Knope: It's not what it sounds like. It's simply a way for me to figure out which one of you is the best.

Donna: That's messed up.
April: Yeah, that is really lame, and I'm leaving.
Donna: You're better than that, Knope.
Leslie Knope: Donna, why are you angry? You were in first place.
Evelyn: Bye, everyone. This was a really... brunch. Leave the bag.
Ethel Beavers: If you do this again next year, don't call me.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Well, by default, it's Shauna. That's how you want to find your new best friend, right? By default?

Jerry: Gayle always has me do the windshield. She likes to stand behind me and watch. According to her, it's the best view.
Ben: How is Gayle?
Jerry: Oh, wonderful.
Ben: And the girls?
Jerry: They're good. Why do you want to know?
Ben: I'm genuinely interested.
Jerry: I'm sorry. I'm just not used to people from the office asking me things. It's kind of scary. But in a good way, though. [both chuckle]
Tom: Aw, man, did I miss a Larry fart?
Ben: Oh, no, uh, we were just--
Jerry: Yeah, Tom. Yeah, I-I really ripped one. Didn't I, Ben?
Ben: Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah, it was loud.
Tom: Smells like a hippopotamus took a dump on a skunk.
Jerry: [to Ben] It's in your best interest.

Andy: Been here forever. Can we go?
Ron Swanson: Don't you want to get your tooth fixed?
Andy: I don't know, I think my tooth looks fine just like this.
Ron Swanson: Well, my grandmother was missing that tooth, and she was the most beautiful woman on her oil rig. You are an adult. I am not your dad. If you want to go, we can go.
Andy: Yay. Thanks, Ron. That's why you know even though you're not my dad, you're like an old brother to me. Like a cool uncle, but old. Like a grandpa. But cool like a son.

Woman: That'll be $8, please.
Ben: What, you're charging us for coffee? What kind of a business-- uh-oh.
Harvey: Oh, hello, gentlemen.
Ben: Gotta be kidding me. You own this place too?
Harvey: That's right, dickweed. You wanna talk deal? Because my prices have gone up ever so slightly since I saw you last.
Ben: No, we're not giving in to your crazy demands. There are plenty of other tent rental places within driving distance.
Tom: Yeah, I'm calling Tent Emporium right now.
Harvey: [answers phone] Tent Emporium. How can I help you, buttface?
Tom: What?
Ben: Come on.
Harvey: Yes. I own every tent store in Southern Indiana. Tent Town, Rent Ten Tents, the Tent Offensive, and Ace Tentura Tent Detective. I also own a chick-fil-a franchise, but that's not doing so hot right now. Whatever.
Ben: Let's get outta here.
Harvey: [answers phone] You've reached the Tentagon. How can I help you, buttface?

Leslie Knope: Okay, here's an idea. Why don't we find something, anything, no matter how small, that we have in common? For example, I'm an only child.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Me too. Although, when I was in college I found out that my dad had a second family. Well, we were the second family, technically.
Leslie Knope: Okay, well, we both went to college. There's that.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Yeah.

Leslie Knope: Oh, my God! Ann had her baby! Wow, this has been fun. The bill is already paid. May I gently suggest that you check out Chris Traeger's wonderful therapist Dr. Richard Nygard. Although there is a tiny part of me that always thought it was just Chris talking into a mirror. Anyway, maybe you should look him up.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: I don't know, I read a book once that said a woman should never make the first move.
Leslie Knope: That doesn't apply to therapy. Okay. Good luck!

Ann: Oliver Perkins-Traeger, meet your Aunt Leslie.
Leslie Knope: Hey! Oh, he's so beautiful. And you're so beautiful. I mean, you're always beautiful, but right now you are the most beautiful, glowing sun goddess ever. Why didn't you tell me you were in labor?
Ann: Well, 'cause I knew you'd drop everything and rush here, and contractions can sometimes go for days. Thank you. So I didn't want you to be stuck waiting around.
Leslie Knope: Well, I'm glad I'm here now. Where's Chris?
Ann: Oh, he was such a good coach that the nurses asked him to help out with a delivery down the hall.

Tom: We're dead. The only tent store this guy doesn't own is 300 miles away.
Ben: Oh, hang on. Here's a place that might work. It's called Sweaty Roger's Pants Tent. Oh, no, you can't rent tents there.

Jerry: Hey, guys. Look, I was double-checking all the paperwork that Tom gave me in that super fun parking lot, and there was something about Harvey's corporate structure that just seemed fishy. So I dug around and it turns out he has got a lot of code violations.
Ben: Whoa! Larry, this is great stuff.
Tom: Never thought I would say it, but I'm a genius for making you stay outside and do a menial task.
Jerry: Couldn't agree more. You did it, Tom.