Jessica Wicks: Hey, sugar butt. Some lardos in Muncie ate tainted Sweetums toffee sticks and diarrhea'd so much, they ended up in the hospital.
Ben: Ugh.
Jessica Wicks: Can we give their school, like, a new seesaw or something? Yeah. Thanks.

April: See the way that dog is rolling around in a puddle? That's something Andy does when he gets hot.
Donna: Oh, my God, you're right. That is so Andy.
April: Oh, my God. That dog is totally...
Both: Tom!
Donna: I don't know why. It doesn't look like him. But it just is. It's like the dog is the essence of Tom.

April: [gasps] Okay, important meeting in the conference room right now. We are going to all pick our spirit dogs.
Jerry: Oh, I've got to pick up Gayle at the airport.
Craig: Larry, I swear to God, if you leave right now, we will make your spirit dog a miniature schnauzer.
Jerry: Is that bad?
Craig: Yes! Get in there!

Leslie Knope: What are you saying, we need to sex up fluoride? I don't know, Tom. It's a pretty sexy topic already.

Donna: Now, remember, it's about finding a dog that captures your spirit. See? This is Craig.
Craig: Oh, no! That is insane! I will burn this place to the ground if you pick that one! Okay, good choice.

Councilman Jamm: All right, so, in conclusion... fluoride, chemical, tiny genitals, misinformation, panic, death, Jenny McCarthy.
Leslie Knope: Well, I don't know, councilman. That was a little dry. What do you say we have some fun, huh? Check this.
[on video:]
Kyle: Plain water? Yuck. I'm bored.
Tom: Then try this. [hip-hop music]
[Kyle transforms into a scantily-clad, male model:]
Man: What the-- What just happened?
Tom: That water contains teeth dazzler, which makes your teeth stronger and starts a party in your mouth.
[back:]
Leslie Knope: What? Fluoride's boring, guys. Boo! Welcome to T-dazzle. It's not a chemical. It's an aquatic-based social-media oral experience.
Tom: Everyone who tweets at T-dazzle in the next hour will be entered to win an exciting plain blue T-shirt. I say "T," you say "dazzle." "T."
All: Dazzle.
Tom: "T."
All: Dazzle.
Tom: "T."
All: Dazzle.

Leslie Knope: Our polling shows that 72% of citizens are in favor of adding T-dazzle to their water, effectively killing Councilman Jamm's so-called Clean Water Bill. Eat it, Jamm. I won.
Councilman Jamm: Apology accepted. You know, I've actually come around to your way of thinking on this. My only thought is, why stop here? Ladies and gentlemen, Sweetums president Jessica Wicks. [applause]
Jessica Wicks: Whoo! Look, we all love T-dazzle. But we can do more to improve our drinking supply. Sweetums is excited to propose an alternative to boring municipal water. We call it "Drink-ems"! Whoo!
Councilman Jamm: Sweetums is prepared to take over the management of Pawnee's water. This is gonna save this town beaucoup bucks. Take a sip of this delicious water and imagine it coming out of your faucets at home.
Leslie Knope: This water is filled with sugar. There's absolutely no way we are doing this.
Councilman Jamm: Too late. We're gonna fill the whole reservoir with this stuff. Checkmate.
Leslie Knope: Did you bring those with you just to do that?
Councilman Jamm: Maybe.
Tom: Damn. It is a baller move.

Craig: That was so spot-on, it was scary. I need to go lie down for 45 minutes. No, an hour... a full hour.

Leslie Knope: Good morning. This won't take long. Simply put, it would be madness to let Sweetums take over our water supply and pump it full of sugar. What's next, cookie dough toothpaste? Bad example. That would be amazing. My point is, Sweetums is an evil, profit-hungry corporation that is ruining our health. Ever since Sweetums opened its doors, obesity is up 100%. It's unacceptable. Down with that poison-peddling corporate monster. Down with Sweetums!

Ben: Hey. Heard about your speech. Sounded great.
Leslie Knope: I wish you could've seen it. It felt so good. I love loose cannon-ing. You know, I love the power of no consequences.
Ben: Well, unfortunately, there has been one consequence. I just got fired from Sweetums.
Leslie Knope: Because you were embezzling... I hope.