Teller: 800, 900, 1,000.
Andy: [excited laugh]
April: And how much is left in the bank account?
Teller: 18 dollars and four cents.
Andy: Whoa! Still a lot left over.
April: Okay, you wanted to hold $1,000 cash in your hands...
Andy: That's super disappointing.
[cut to:]
Teller: 998, 999, 1000.
Andy: Yes! Now this is what I imagined! [ecstatic laugh] Have you ever seen this much cash in your entire life?
Teller: I just handed it to you.
Andy: [laughs] Nickels! I want nickels. A billion nickels!

Leslie Knope: Headline idea. "It's the end of the world as they know it, but Pawnee feels fine."
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: It's a little long.
Leslie Knope: Okay, "Zorp Shmorp! "Doomsday prediction falls flat as citizens spend pleasant evening enjoying one of Pawnee's finest parks."
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Somehow longer.
Leslie Knope: Right, okay let's go with the first one.

Leslie Knope: Oh boy, I know how this goes. I know how Shauna operates. She smiles, and then they fall in love, and then they get married, and then she changes her name to Shauna Malwae-Wyatt. Or he's going to be really progressive and change his name to Ben Wyatt-Malwae-Tweep. God, I am so annoyed that he would hypothetically do that.

Leslie Knope: Hey, there you are. Wow, you two are still talking? Ben hasn't bored you to death by now.
Ben: Hey.
Leslie Knope: So boring.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Actually, we were having a really great talk.
Leslie Knope: Keep your pants on.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: What?
Leslie Knope: I mean, keep your pants on, girl! I mean, those are really nice pants. I really like your pants. Where'd you get them? Do you want to go buy some more pants? Or, um, walk away from here?

Chris: So you were living here when "Reasoneableism" first swep in?
Ron Swanson: I was. Lou Prozotovich, their founder, was an office supplies salesman. One day, he had an interesting idea. Maybe he can write a book to help people organize their offices.
Herb Scaifer: "Organize it!"
Ron Swanson: The book was a big success. Then Lou had another interesting thought. Maybe there is a 28-foot tall lizard with a volcano for a mouth who controls the universe.
Chris: That is interesting.
Ron Swanson: So he wrote a second book.
Herb Scaifer: "Organize it 2: Engage with Zorp"
Chris: You know... could I have a look at that?
Herb Scaifer: Well sure you can, Chris. You can keep it. I'd skip the first couple of chapters if I were you, between you and me, it doesn't really get good till Zorp shows up. Zorp is the lizard.

April: Help me, Agent Macklin, help me! He's stolen my jewels, and now he's going to ravish my body and he stinks, he really stinks!
Jerry: Okay, Janet Snakehole belongs to mother Russia now.
Andy: Oh, that's what you think! I hope you like pain! Pow!
April: Say the line.
Andy: Looks like this Siberian husky is going to be Russian... off to jail.

Ron Swanson: That was Symphony for the Righteous Destruction of Humanity in E minor. By the late Lou Prozotovich. Reminder. These flutes are available for purchase. You can't take it with you, people.

Herb Scaifer: Dawn is nigh! Zorp the surveyor approaches, and all earthly debts will be repaid to the original source of life in the universe. Last call for doughnuts.
Leslie Knope: What would you do if the word was really gonna end?
Ron Swanson: I'd go home, drink some whisky. Then I'd go see my ex-wives.
Leslie Knope: Really?
Ron Swanson: Yeah. I wanna watch them meet their fiery end with my own eyes.

Leslie Knope: Can I speak with you about a personal matter?
Ron Swanson: Normally, no. But... given there's only 20 minutes until the end of human existence... Also, no.
Leslie Knope: I lost my mind tonight. I tried to screw up even the potential of Ben dating someone else.
Ron Swanson: Did you not hear me when I said no?
Leslie Knope: Oh, we broke up because of me. But I have to tell you, Ron... If the world was ending tomorrow, I'd want to be with him.
Ron Swanson: Well, that's significant. Problem is, Leslie, the world's not ending tomorrow. The sun's going to rise right over there. It'll be a regular Friday, and you'll be in the exact same position you were in before.
Leslie Knope: I know. I made my decision, I need to stick to it. It's just the thought of him with someone else is making me miserable.
Herb Scaifer: If it makes you feel any better, Leslie, we'll all be dead in 20 minutes.
Leslie Knope: That does make me feel better. Thank you, Herb.
Ron Swanson: That guy has ears like a fruit bat.

Herb Scaifer: Frankly, Leslie, I'm shocked. All the scholarly work that I did on these texts indicated that the world would end.
Leslie Knope: Oh, gosh, I'm as disappointed as you are, Herb.
Herb Scaifer: Yeah, but when the world did not end, I went home and began to reevaluate the texts.
Leslie Knope: You don't say.
Herb Scaifer: And I realized that I'd made some crucial errors.
Leslie Knope: Well, math is hard.
Herb Scaifer: Yes, well, the actual end of the world is six months from now.
Leslie Knope: Great!
Herb Scaifer: Yeah. May 19th.
Leslie Knope: Okay, let's see what we've got. Um, oh, on the 19th we can't give you the park. We have a spring spectacular free ice cream giveaway.
Herb Scaifer: Oh... Oh... look here. Heh! I misspoke. Yeah, it's May 20?
Leslie Knope: That is free.
Herb Scaifer: Ah!
Leslie Knope: Okay. End of World, May 20th.
Herb Scaifer: That's great. Uhm... Oh, and could you put aside 10 tickets for that ice cream thing?
Leslie Knope: Already did.