April: Ow.
Andy: Let's get you home and get me some ice cream.
Nurse: Here's your bill.
Andy: Whoa, yeah, won't be needing that. I've got the free medicine card.
Nurse: Uh, there's a $500 deductible for dental procedures.
Andy: Oh, I think you're wrong. We have the insurance thing. I believe we're covered.
Nurse: It's still $500.
Andy: Let's see here. Oh, because, you know what... Let's go! Dine and dash. Out of the way! Yeah! Whoo-hoo-hoo! [Andy runs into an ambulance] Ah! Ah, call an ambulance! A different ambulance than the one I ran into.

Ben: [v.o.] This is city council candidate Leslie Knope when she was ten years old.
Young Leslie: Hi, I'm Leslie Knope. I love Pawnee. And I want to make it even better. Better schools, safer streets, and a more progressive tax on residential properties.
Ben: [v.o.] This is city council candidate Bobby Newport today.
Bobby Newport: People keep asking me: Bobby, what are you gonna do once you get into office? Um, I'm pretty sure I'll figure it out.
Ben: [v.o.] Leslie Knope had better ideas when she was ten than Bobby Newport has now. They do have one thing in common.
Both: I like dogs.
Ben: [v.o.] For a better Pawnee, vote Knope for City Council.

Bobby Newport: Yes, um, why'd you guys post that video of me, man? I mean, that didn't make me feel good. It was... it was mean. You guys are mean.
Leslie Knope: Well, we used your own ad, so I don't think it was mean.
Bobby Newport: All right, let me lay it out for you. My friends keep sending me links to that video and they just make fun of me. So just stop running, okay? Just... that... stop.
Leslie Knope: Stop running the ad?
Bobby Newport: No, stop running the campaign.
Leslie Knope: What?
Bobby Newport: Just quit. It would be so cool of you if you just quit. Then I can win the election, and I'll have a big party, and I'll put you both on the guest list, plus one. I'm gonna have a man who does magic. He's really good. Not, like, cheesy magic. Like, good magic.
Leslie Knope: We're not gonna quit the campaign. Why would we do that?
Bobby Newport: Because... I want it. Come on, give me it. Give me it. Give me it. Come on, give me it. Just give me the election. I'm sorry, please. Please.
Ben: Well, Leslie, he does make a compelling argument.
Bobby Newport: Come on, ugh! Come on, guy.
Leslie Knope: Bobby.
Bobby Newport: Ah, it's not padded!

Leslie Knope: Can I ask you a question? Why are you even running for office?
Bobby Newport: You know what, I need something to do to get my dad off my back. This seemed easy. What about you, why are you doing it? Who's your dad?
Leslie Knope: I'm running for office because I want to improve the lives of the people that I love and the city that's the greatest city in the world.
Bobby Newport: What? What does that even mean?
Ben: Hey, I've got an idea. How 'bout you quit running, then I win, but then I let you do all the work.
Leslie Knope: I'm not going anywhere, and we are gonna debate soon, and I need to warn you, I know my stuff. So you should toughen up.
Bobby Newport: Why are you guys smiling? I feel bad.
Bobby Newport: Hey, quick question. That little girl from your video. Oh, my God, she's so cute. Do you think you can talk to her and let her do an ad for me?
Leslie Knope: That girl is me as a ten-year-old.
Bobby Newport: How'd you do that?

April: Maybe you should see one of the other doctors.
Andy: No. No more doctors. They're a bunch of scam artists. They reel you in with the free stuff. Next thing you know, bam, you run into an ambulance. Every time. Let's just go home and care for each other. We could buy a sewing kit. You could sew up my lip underneath a bridge somewhere.
April: Mmm, so romantic.
Andy: [winces]
April: Oh, sorry, I forgot. Let's go.
Andy: All right. Do you think sewing kits are covered by insurance? Or groceries or, like, Xbox games? What is insurance?
April: I don't know. Who cares?

Ben: We are David. Newport is Goliath. This is our slingshot.
Leslie Knope: Yes, we'll write an inspiring op-ed piece.
Ben: No, the Pawnee-Eagleton high school basketball game. Now, in this town it's bigger than the super bowl. We take all our money, we air a TV ad right at halftime. And I think we should make an attack ad against Bobby Newport.
All: Oh!
Ann: That is a great idea!
Ben: Thank you.
Leslie Knope: Yay, it's a good idea.
Ben: All right, great. So let's get to work.

Bobby Newport: [on video] Hey, I'm Bobby Newport. I'm a regular guy. I like dogs. I'm here with my persian greyhound Raclette, who was given to me by my buddy, the pretender to the crown of Alsace-Lorraine. Vote Bobby Newport for city council.
Leslie Knope: Hey, um, between you and me, I think that Donna is having a problem with going negative in the ad.
Donna: Nah-uh, I always go negative. Even if I like the guy I go negative. Keeps 'em interested.
Leslie Knope: Thanks, Donna. Well, I didn't want to tell you this, but Ann is having a hard time with it. She's kind of freaking out right now.
Ann: Oh, my God, this magic marker smells like cherries.
Ben: Hey, here's a question, do you like the idea?
Leslie Knope: [laughs] It's... Who... Do you like it?
Ben: Look, you have a vision of how your campaign should go. I am your chief strategist, so I'm sure we can work it out. Why don't you just tell me what you're thinking.
Leslie Knope: I hate negative ads, and I would never do one in a million years.

Ben: How 'bout we do this, we split up into teams, we each make a demo version of our ad. Whichever one we like better we use.
Tom: Great idea! As long as Leslie thinks so as well.
Leslie Knope: Sure, I'll pick Ann and Donna for my team. You can take Jerry.
Ben: What?
Leslie Knope: Well, you wanted to go negative. You got the biggest negative in the world, buddy.

Dr. Harris: Well, you definitely need glasses.
April: No, he's not getting glasses. I like his face the way it is. If you get glasses, I'll divorce you.
Andy: Well, you heard her, doc. Too handsome for glasses, no offense.

Jerry: You ready for the voice-over?
Ben: Yeah. Bobby Newport's never had a real job in his life.
Tom: Mmm, you gotta give it more attitude. It's gotta scare people. [deep-voiced] Bobby Newport...
Ben: Yeah, okay. All right. [deep-voiced] Bobby Newport's never had a real job in his life.
Tom: [deeper-voiced] Bobby Newport's never had a real job in his life.
Jerry: [deeper-voiced] Bobby Newport.
Ben: [deeper-voiced] Bobby Newport.
Tom: [deeper-voiced] Bobby Newport.
Ben: [deeper-voiced] Bobby Newport.
Jerry: [deeper-voiced] Bobby Newport.
Tom: [scary] Bobby.
Jerry: [slow] Bobby.
Ben: [scary] Bobby.
Jerry: [scary] Newport.
Ben: All right, now we're just wasting time, Jerry.