Chris: That was despicable! I am horrified at her tactics. That said, the show was pretty lively. [chuckles; sings] Joan gotcha!
Chris and Tom: Don't it hurtcha?
Chris: It's very catchy.

Ben: So, what? We're taking her to lunch now?
Tom: Ben, Leslie hired my company to get her that sticker. You're the one that told me "businesses" need "clients" to get "money."
Ben: I was the first one to tell you that?
Tom: Don't worry. This is in the bag. Joan's a married woman. She wants what she can't have. It's a game of cat and mouse. [sprays a liberal amount of cologne]

Leslie Knope: Thank you all for coming. Our journey begins on page one, the preface.
Woman: [clears throat]
Leslie Knope: Oh, boy. Yes?
Woman: I think I speak on behalf of everyone in the entire world when I say... We need to know the truth about where you were born.
Leslie Knope: Okay. Well--
Chris: Leslie? Let me handle this. Does it really matter? I mean, how many of you were actually born in Pawnee? [all hands go up] Sure enough.

Elizabeth: We did a flash poll. 68% of Pawneeans now believe you're lying about where you were born. Honesty is important to voters.
Leslie Knope: 13% think I'm crazy-eyed? What? Why?

Alexis: Hello... and welcome to the Wamapoke County Records Office, here in beautiful Eagleton. My name is Alexis Pratchett.
Leslie Knope: Take it down a notch, Alexis. I need a copy of my birth certificate.
Alexis: Ooh, I'm sorry. It takes three to eight weeks to receive a birth certificate.
Leslie Knope: Really?
Chris: Hi, I'm Chris. I was wondering if you might make an exception for me?
Alexis: Oh, I'm sorry. No.
Chris: Wow. That usually works.
Leslie Knope: Oh, God. I hate this stupid town with all its stupid, terrible people. I need that birth certificate.

Andy: Leslie, wait here. Burt Macklin is on the case.
Leslie Knope: Andy.
Andy: No. Don't worry. I can do this. Believe in me!
[Andy jumps over the counter, taking a computer monitor with him]
Andy: That's broken. [runs to the back office then returns] Hold on. Leslie. Real quick. Uh, spell your last name for me.

Joan Callamezzo: [sings] Let's hear it for the boys. Whoo!
Ben: Wow. That was as long as it was loud.

Tom: Say what you will about Joan, but she knows how to decorate a bedroom.
Ben: Oh, my God.
Tom: Wow.
Ben: Where the hell am I?
Tom: I just wanna see how soft these sheets are. One second.
Ben: [whispering] Tom, no. Come on. Let's go. [Joan yells]
Tom: Ah! Joan, we left you some water and aspirin by the bed!

Andy: Got it! Got it!
Leslie Knope: Nice!
Andy: I also got this dude's briefcase. It was just layin' there. Kind of a panic move.
Chris: I believed in you, buddy. But you should put that back.
Andy: Okay. [tosses briefcase]

Leslie Knope: Okay, so. Leslie Barbara Knope, born January 18th, to Robert and Marlene Knope, in Eagleton, Indiana. I'm from Eagleton!