Leslie Knope: Whatever, I can end this now. Here's my birth certificate.
William Barnes: Mm-hmm. Well, this just says "Wamapoke County."
Leslie Knope: Yeah. That's the county Pawnee is in.
William Barnes: Well, no. This won't do it. See, you staked your reputation on this. So you need to go down to the county records office in Eagleton and get the original, long-form certificate.
Leslie Knope: Oh, God. Don't make me go to Eagleton.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Eagleton is the land of rich, snobby jerks. There's a whole chapter about it in my book. I could write a second book about Eagleton and how stupid it is. And I'd call Eagleton: The land of Rich, Snobby Jerks.

Man: Support for Pawnee Community Radio comes from the Wendell G. and Muriel Fathwright Korbleman Foundation, and Sweetums Cares, a nonprofit group that puts umbrella hats on homeless people when it rains.
Derry Murbles: Welcome to Thoughts for your thoughts. I'm Derry Murbles filling in for David Parker, who took off for eight months to study the migration patterns of our nation's squirrels. We have not seen him since. My guest today is author Leslie Knope. The book, Pawnee: The greatest town in America.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I wrote a book. The first historical guide to Pawnee. I wrote it as a reference for myself, but then, my campaign advisor said we should make it a big, wide release. So we had people contribute, we added pictures, and we removed a lot of my poems and emotional ramblings and pictures of unicorns, and here it is!
Derry Murbles: Leslie, could one say that a book is nothing more than a painting of words, which are the notes on the tapestry of the greatest film ever sculpted?
Leslie Knope: One could say that. But should one?
Derry Murbles: Join us next week when David Bianculli will be filling in for Richard Chang-Jefferson, who will be filling in for me. Leslie, would you like to take us out?
Leslie Knope: Okay. "Please enjoy a song from the lesbian Afro-Norwegian Funk duo, Nefertiti's Fjord."
[eccentric pop music plays]
Leslie Knope: Oh, wow. They are terrible.
Derry Murbles: Oh, yes. Th-they're quite awful. But they are lesbians, so...

Ron Swanson: Usually, I only read nautical novels and my own personal manifestos, but I'm proud to make this exception.
Leslie Knope: Thank you, Ron. I expect all of you to buy additional copies. But I wanted the first one that you owned to be delivered and signed by me.
April: God, this goes on for, like, seven pages!
Leslie Knope: I started thinking about you as a woman, and as a person, and I got carried away.
Jerry: Okay, mine just says, "Get well soon."
Leslie Knope: Aren't you sick?
Jerry: No.
Leslie Knope: Something's off.

Ron Swanson: Anyone find any mistakes?
April: Yeah, actually. In here, it says that Pawnee is great. But in reality, it's terrible.
Ron Swanson: Let Tom know we haven't found anything.
Ann: Hey, I'm thinking about getting a new phone. Do you guys like your phones?
April: [on her phone] I've never used a phone in my life.
Ann: What about you, Ron? Do you like your phone? [Ron is silent]
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Here's my goal. I'm gonna get these two people that I've known for a long time to talk to me for five minutes. Who am I kidding? One minute. One minute would be amazing.

Ann: All right, so we don't have to fact-check anymore. But Leslie wants us to be on ready-alert one just in case something comes up.
Ron Swanson: Now I can get some real work done. [whittles]
Ann: You know, I think I'm just gonna hang out here with you guys, if that's cool.
April: It's not.
Ann: Great.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: I could leave. I could. But I'm not going to. I will get my one minute of small talk, damn it. And it will be casual, and it will be amicable!

Leslie Knope: No matter what you heard, ma'am, the truth is, I was born here.
Woman: If you were so born here, then where's your birth certificate?
Leslie Knope: Well, I don't carry my birth certificate around with me--
Man: Why? Because you're hiding something? You should go back where you came from.
Leslie Knope: I am back from where I came from!
Man: That sentence was confusing! You might as well be from China! Tell us!
Leslie Knope: That's ridiculous!
Man: Is it?
Leslie Knope: I'm from here!

[aside to camera:]
Ann: And... Nine seconds with Ron.
[back:]
Ann: You're stranded on a desert island. What is the one thing that you bring with you?
Ron Swanson: Silence. [flute sounds]

Leslie Knope: Is it true mom? Was I born in Eagleton?
Marlene Knope: Yes, it's true.
Leslie Knope: No!
Marlene Knope: Pawnee hospital was overrun with raccoons at the time. So we had to go to the next closest hospital.
Leslie Knope: [groans]
Marlene Knope: I'm sorry. Did you expect me to give birth to you in an infested, disease-filled room?
Leslie Knope: Mom, why didn't you tell me?
Marlene Knope: You try telling that little girl she's not from Pawnee. I certainly couldn't. So you were technically born in Eagleton. Who cares?
Leslie Knope: I care. The people of Pawnee care. I wrote on the cover of my book that I was born in Pawnee. I went on Pawnee today, and I called Joan a liar! I'm the liar. I'm worse than a liar. I'm an... [choking] Eagletonian.

Ann: And so when I finally cleaned up the vomit, I found the toe.
April: I forgot about the toe!
Ann: So did we! Crazy, right?
April: [chuckles] That story's awesome!
Ron Swanson: Indeed. Thank you for sharing, Jenny.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Ann was getting a little chummy. When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.
April: That's a genius move.
Ron Swanson: Thank you.
April: You're welcome, Lester.

Leslie Knope: I'd like to apologize to those that I've misled. I thought I was telling the truth, but, sadly, I was born in Eagleton.
Joan Callamezzo: Wha--? [laughs] Well, that is worse than I ever could have hoped for.
Leslie Knope: I learned something, Joan. It's not where you're born. It's where you're from. When I was nine years old, I broke my arm, sledding on that giant hill behind Kernston's rubber nipple factory. You know, "Nipple Hill".
Joan Callamezzo: Of course.
Leslie Knope: It gets very slippery there.
Joan Callamezzo: I know that.
Leslie Knope: Especially when it's wet.
Joan Callamezzo: Yes.
Leslie Knope: And, Jim. Jim Kabernick. I know Jim. Jim and I have gone to school together since we were, like, three years old.
Jim: Yes, that's true.
Leslie Knope: Do you remember when you peed your pants in second grade?
Jim: Why--why did you bring that up? I said yes.
Leslie Knope: You stuck your underwear in your drawer, and you got really embarrassed, and then the teacher came over and pulled them out. And everybody called you "The Gerbil" because you always smelled like soiled wood chips?
Jim: Leslie, for God's sake, we're on TV.
Leslie Knope: The point is you can't choose where you were born. But you can choose where you live. I love this town. I always have. I always will. And that's why I wrote a book about it. And that's why I'm running for City Council. [applause]