Perd Hapley: Welcome to "Ya' Heard? With Perd". I'm Perd Hapley, the Perd I mentioned a second ago when I was telling you the name of my show. Now, here today are two people who are also my guests. Leslie Knope from the Department of the Interior and Congressman Ben Wyatt.
Leslie Knope: Hi, Perd.
Ben: Hey, Perd. How are you?
Perd Hapley: I guess my first question is more of a query. What did you want to talk about?

Perd Hapley: You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen. And the "it" that you heard was the things that these people just said. Now, a word from our sponsors.

Ann: I'm just helping with out-patient care. Gotta do what we can. Chris is donating blood four times a week.
Andy: Oh, good for you, man. [lock clattering] Who are you giving it to? Just kind of... whoever wants it? "Trade with the Postmates guy" kinda thing?
Ann: I used to date that guy.
Chris: Oh, no! Andy. The CDC asked me to donate because I am extremely healthy. My red blood cells are so big, you can see them with the naked eye. They're like cherry Froot Loops! And my blood type is just positive.
Ann: They've designated him a super-healer. So far, it's just Megan Rapinoe, him, and a panther at the Miami zoo.

Leslie Knope: What's going on here? Oh, my God, oh, my God! It finally happened!
Ron Swanson: Leslie, you said you needed something to lift your spirits, so Andrew... take it away.
Andy: [plays guitar] Up in horsey heaven Here's the thing
Ben: Every time with this song.
Ron Swanson: Wyatt!
Ben: [holds up phone as a lighter] Here we go.
Andy: Trade your legs for angel's wings Once we go all said good-bye
Ben: This is a long song.
Tom: Shut up, Ben!
Andy: You take a runnin' leap and you learn To fly
All: Bye-bye little Sebastian Miss you in the saddest fashion Bye-bye, little Sebastian You're 5,000 candles in the wind
Ben: I'm gonna run out my entire battery.
Jerry: [sighs]
Ron Swanson: Though we all miss you every day
Ann: We know you're up there eatin' Heaven's hay
Jerry: And here's the part that hurts The most
Donna: Humans cannot ride A ghost
Andy: Everybody sing it now!
All: Bye-bye, little Sebastian I miss you in the saddest fashion Bye-bye Little Sebastian You're 5,000 candles In the wind
Andy: Maybe some day we'll saddle up again I know I'll always miss My horsiest friend
Leslie & Andy: Spread your wings and fly Spread your wings and fly [all whoop, cheering]

[On Ron's video chat, the ID is blocked and he has "Unknown Gryzzl Points"]
Ron Swanson: Hello, Leslie. I see you are contacting me again.
Leslie Knope: This is the system, Ron. 7:00 p.m. phone tree. I call someone, and then they call someone else, and we keep doing it until everyone has been reached. This is the system. You got a better system?
Ron Swanson: Yes. We talk far less than that. Or we just send each other a photo of ourselves holding up today's newspaper to prove we're okay.
Leslie Knope: It's impossible to get everyone on the phone at the same time, you know? And talking is important, Ron. We have to look out for our mental and emotional health.
Ron Swanson: This is the only mental health I need. [holds up bottle of Lagavulin]
Leslie Knope: What are you doing? Are you in your cabin?
Ron Swanson: I am. I come up here to hunt meat so I don't have to go to the grocery store. I've built up about a 12-year supply of venison jerky. I can ship you some. You'd probably have to get your incisor teeth sharpened.
Leslie Knope: Ew. No. When you travel, are you practicing social distancing?
Ron Swanson: I've been practicing social distancing since I was four years old.

[On April's video chat, she is listed as "Satan's Niece"]
Ron Swanson: What are you wearing?
April: Andy and I put all of our stuff in garbage bags, and every day I put on the first five random things I pull out.

Leslie Knope: Hey. How are you?
Ann: I'm okay. You know? Chris has been a real trooper. He's working from home, and he's doing everything with the kids.
Leslie Knope: How is he exercising?
Ann: Well, we did have a Stairmaster but he's been working out so much that now it's just a smooth ramp.

Joan Callamezzo: Welcome to "At Home With Joan". I'm your host, Joan Callamezzo. Today's guests are former Pawnee City Councilwoman and current Deputy Director of the Department of the Interior, Leslie Knope.
Leslie Knope: Hi, Joan.
Joan Callamezzo: And her houseboy, Ben Wyatt.
Ben: Um, I'm actually a member of the House of Representatives, a Congressman.
Joan Callamezzo: Whatever sex fantasy works for you two. I'm not here to judge.

Ben: So, Joan, during this tough time, we just wanna make sure that people in Pawnee and across Indiana are making use of every available resource for support.
Joan Callamezzo: I agree with that. Times like these remind me of why I got into news. People need a voice that they can trust. [sings] Especially One with the voice of an angel A legend among icons.

Ben: Uh, Leslie and I just wanna make sure that people are focusing on their mental health as well as their physical health.
Leslie Knope: Especially those who live alone. People who've spent a lot of time on their own without human contact. Do you have someone you can talk to, Joan?
Joan Callamezzo: Yes. A few years ago, I accused Jennifer Lopez of stealing my look, and I got into quite a back and forth with her attorney.
Leslie Knope: No. Friends, Joan.
Joan Callamezzo: Look around. I'm surrounded by friends. Every night, I do a show for them called "Joan on Joan for Joan". I recount legendary Joan Callamezzo moments like how I scored my EGOT.
Ben: You have an EGOT?
Joan Callamezzo: Yes. I've been banned from all four ceremonies. [jazzy music plays] That's it for today. The show is two minutes long now. All right. Bye.