TV Quotes

Ron Swanson: [out of frame] What?
Leslie Knope: Ron? Where are you? I can't see you.
Ron Swanson: Good evening, Leslie.
Leslie Knope: Wow, you're really taking that protective gear suggestion to heart.
Ron Swanson: We're just dealing with a little bit of an incident. Earlier this evening, Diane and I took a hike in the woods to take in the sunset from atop a nearby crest.
Leslie Knope: Okay. That sounds nice.
Ron Swanson: It was. Unfortunately, upon our return, we discovered that a particularly nasty little forest varmint had broken into the cabin.
Leslie Knope: What?!
Tammy Two: Hi, Leslie.

Leslie Knope: Hello, Congressman.
Ben: Hey, babe. How are you?
Leslie Knope: How are you is the question? I know that shirt and it worries me.
Ben: The most incredible thing happened. Okay, so today I'm cleaning the house. I get dizzy from the cleaning supplies. And then, I home-schooled the kids but they don't learn anything because of the dizziness. But then, I had the most amazing idea. Do you remember this guy? [holds up claymation figure]
Leslie Knope: Oh, no.
Ben: Ahh. But here's the twist. Do you also remember this? [holds up Cones of Dunshire board game]
Leslie Knope: Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no, no.
Ben: Six words, babe. "Cones of Dunshire..." the claymation movie. The entire story just popped into my head. This humble little nobody living his life, walking around on a random Tuesday. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. When suddenly, he finds out from an ancient scroll, that he is actually... The Ledgerman.
Leslie Knope: Honey, did you put all the caps back on the cleaning supplies?
Ben: Now, the title is either "Cones of Dunshire: The Ledgerman's Ascent", or, of course, "Cones of Dunshire: The Curse of the Arbiter's Prophecy".
Leslie Knope: Okay, honey. I'm gonna be here at work for a while. I have to start the phone tree, and then I will be home. Just hang in there. Keep it together.
Ben: Yeah, yeah, yeah. No... take your time. I'm just gonna start writing a story... [disconnect chime]

Ron Swanson: Why are you at work?
Leslie Knope: Well, I shut down every national park in my jurisdiction. Sad but necessary. And then I volunteered for several committees to help us get through this.
Ron Swanson: Did you also create those committees?
Leslie Knope: I did! So many committees, Ron. I'm chairing all of them. It's every girl's dream. But, you know, between that and the kids, I've only been getting two hours of sleep instead of my usual four. This morning, I put oatmeal on my fingernails because I thought it was nail polish.

Ron Swanson: Where's Andy?
April: [shouts] Andy! Ron's on!
Andy: [connect chime] Hey, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Where are you, son? Why are you in another room? Are you quarantining?
Andy: No... Well, kinda. I locked myself in the shed. I can't get out.
Ron Swanson: Why doesn't April let you out?
Andy: Oh, Ron. Burt Macklin, FBI, does not need anyone to help him escape a measly shed.
Ron Swanson: How long have you been in there?
Andy: Two days. I'm pretty hungry.

Chris: April Ludgate! Andy Dwyer!
Ann: Hi, guys.
Chris: Ann Perkins, my beautiful wife.
April: Hi.
Andy: Why are you guys not together? Chris? Did you lock yourself in the shed? Probably? I think that's pretty common these days.
Chris: Actually, Andy, as I've explained to you several times, Ann has gone back to work as a nurse. So out of an abundance of caution, she is isolating in the southeast part of the house while the kids and I are in the northwest, AKA the living room. [shouts] Hi, honey!
Ann: [shouts] Hi, babe!

Tom: [connect chime] Hello. Or should I say, "Selamat pagi!", as they say here in Bali?
Ann: The hell?
Leslie Knope: His book tour got cancelled, and it was supposed to end with a trip to Bali for him and Lucy.
Ann: How are you, Tom? I haven't gotten you on the phone tree for like a week.
Tom: Amazing. Just, uh, blitzing some entrepreneurial ideas. What do you think about this? Double-breasted pajamas.
Ann: No.
Tom: Protective masks with other people's teeth printed on them. Stay safe and look fresh as hell with Timothée Chalamet's smile?
Ann: That's just weird.
Tom: Teeny tiny iPads for each finger?
Leslie Knope: Dumb.
Tom: Lasagna... that's also toilet paper? [Ann sighs] Yeah, I might be going a little stir-crazy. Some of these came to me during my 11:00 p.m. nap. Isn't it weird time has no meaning anymore? Ooh. Is that something? A clock with dials that just move randomly?

Tom: So, how's it going? How's Joe?
Donna: I'm good. Joe's good. School is all online now, so he's teaching from home. Tom, have you ever witnessed someone trying to teach a group of young children something?
Tom: Nope. Based on my experiences playing Fortnite, children are terrifying and make you cry almost immediately.

Donna: It's terrible. The man is a saint. The job is impossible. And every teacher deserves a brand-new Mercedes after all this. Except for Joe, of course, 'cause you know I already got him a Mercedes.
Tom: Oh, damn. Does it match yours?
Donna: What you think? Clink.

Donna: So what's new, Mayor Gergich? How's Pawnee doing?
Jerry: Uh, well, not bad. But I will tell you, some people really fought me when I had to cancel the Annual Pawnee Popsicle Lick 'N Pass.
Leslie Knope: Very weird tradition. Why did we ever do that?
Jerry: Hold on a second. I got some frosting in my ear thing.
[After Jerry rubs his phone, he accidentally enables a filter which adds dog ears and mouth to his frame]
Jerry: Okay.
Donna: Garry, you're a dog.
Jerry: Oh, well. Gayle has called me that a few times over the years.
Leslie Knope: Ew, no. Stop. She means that you're literally a dog. You put a dog filter on your head.
Jerry: Oh, shoot. Okay, hold on. Um, yeah. Just turn that off. [Jerry now has a clown filter] Mm-kay. Is that better?
Donna: I mean, you can see the screen too, right? That's clearly not better.
Jerry: [sighs] Geez Louise.

Perd Hapley: And we are back. Now, I understand you brought another guest who is someone who is not either of you.
Leslie Knope: That's right, Perd. Someone who used to be a very popular children's performer in Pawnee.
Andy: Jaaa, Johnny Karate! Whaa! Haaah!