Merle Streep: You have other ideas, right?
Nick: Oh, yeah, a ton of 'em.
Merle Streep: Okay. All right.
Nick: So many.
Merle Streep: Great.
Nick: In my computer drawer at home.
Merle Streep: Well, why don't you come in tomorrow, pitch me your best three, and we'll see what we got.
Nick: No. I want to pitch you my best ten. I'm gonna pitch you three.
Merle Streep: Let's make it three. That seems...

Cece: So, Ruth is pretty tough, but even if she's not sleeping, at least she's not still potty training.
[flashback:]
Ruth: Ooh...!
Cece: What, baby?
Ruth: It's happening.
Cece: Okay. Here we go. Here we go.
Schmidt: [o.s.] Occupied!
Ruth: Why is Daddy still in the bathroom?
Cece: I don't know, honey. [removes potted plant] This'll do. This is great. Okay, and...
Ruth: That was a close one.

Cece: So, tell me about the job.
Jess: You know, it's great. It's, um, you know, a big office. Fueling fires. Making a difference.
Cece: Make that money. I love that. Mm. [Jess downs her Chardonnay] Okay.
Jess: Mmm. Honestly, I'm probably gonna quit after lunch.
Cece: What?
Jess: Cool if we call this your treat?

Nick: Why are you here?
Schmidt: Keep it down. Ruth is napping.
Nick: In my bed? You put that kid to sleep in...
Schmidt: Yes, and I changed the sheets. It's very clear to me what side of the bed you sleep on.
Winston: Busted.
Schmidt: Ruth hasn't slept in 24 hours, so I drove her around in my car. She told me she had to pee, so I brought her here. She nodded off on the toilet. It was very cute. Honestly, it reminded me of you.
Nick: That's great...
Schmidt: I took 70 pictures.

Nick: Merle hated my last draft. He said Pepperwood is over.
Schmidt: What?
Winston: I'll kill him.
Nick: He wants me to pitch new ideas by tomorrow.
Winston: You can't tell ideas to a dead man.
Nick: Winston, stop! Nobody's killing anybody.
Winston: Okay.

Nick: But the truth is, I do have something new. And I'd like to pitch it to you guys. He's tough.
Schmidt: Okay.
Nick: He's controversial.
Winston: Ooh-hoo-hoo.
Nick: He's pro-choice. [Schmidt grimaces] He's Senator Porcupine.
Schmidt: Pass. Pa-Pass in the room.
Winston: Uh, question for the author.
Nick: No, thank you.
Winston: Senator Porcupine... how does he put on a tie?
Schmidt: Good question.

Jess: You know what? This is not the first time I've been left out of a Tuesday meeting. Remember my first job in administration?
[flashback:]
Teacher #1: The budget's still too high.
Jess: You know, I think it might be the number of field trips we've been going on?
Teacher #2: What about the number of field trips?
Teacher #1: Yes, exactly.
Teacher #3: Great idea.
Jess: I literally just said that. I think we're gonna need to take it out of the transportation budget.
Teacher #3: Here's a crazy idea. What if we take it out of the transportation budget?
All: [chant] Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben!

Jess: I've been left out of Tuesday meetings as long as I can remember.
Cece: Yes. Exactly. The system is broke, and I can't feel my face.
Jess: Is that a good thing?
Cece: I don't know.

Nick: Guys, please let me hate myself and everything that I have created. That's it. I have to call Merle. I'm gonna tell him that I've got nothing. My career's over. Pepperwood was all that I had. I'm done.
Ruth: I'm three.
Nick: Everybody knows that, Ruth.

Ruth: You're Mr. Diarrhea Head.
Nick: Please don't say that to me right now. I'm going through a thing right now, so please don't say that to me. I'm asking you, please don't call me that.
Ruth: Okay, Mr. Diarrhea Head.
Nick: No, you're the Diarrhea Head.