Nick: Okay? Schmidt, what would you like me to do here?
Schmidt: What do you want from me? What am I supposed to do?
Nick: Uh, you used to love fixing my life. Before... [grunts] came around.
Schmidt: It's different times. I got to wipe her butt. I got to wipe my butt. I can't wipe your butt, too.
Winston: Can I get in on that? Never mind.

Schmidt: Ruth, honey, will you please watch Uncle Nick while Uncle Winston and I have a conversation?
Ruth: Fine. Follow me.
Nick: I'll follow you if I want to follow you.
Ruth: Let's go.
Nick: Okay. I'm coming. If anyone's the boss between us, it's me.
Ruth: I'm the boss.

Schmidt: Winston, I need you to focus here. We have a spiraling man on our hands. We just need to remind him that he has good ideas.
Winston: Do we have any other idea notebooks? Because this is just nonsense. I read it, and I don't want to be friends with him anymore.

Winston: Nick. Look what we just found.
Schmidt: A forgotten masterpiece. You've got to hear this. You've still got it. "All reactionaries are paper tigers. In appearance the reactionaries are terrifying, but in reality, they are not so powerful."
Winston: And that? That's just the beginning.
Nick: I mean, I don't remember writing it. It does sound like something I would write.
Schmidt: Just think about it. You're always saying stuff like, "In reality, they are not so powerful." In terms of the reactionaries.

Schmidt: Turn that down! Ruth is finally asleep. Also, what are you doing here? Did my wife give you a key?
Winston: Yeah. For emergencies.
Schmidt: What is the emergency?
Winston: If they don't get the little lady back from England... man, they may never see her again.
Schmidt: Oh, forget it. If you're gonna watch that, turn on the closed captioning. If Ruth wakes up again, I'm gonna plotz my pants.

Nick: You lied.
Schmidt: Shh.
Nick: You lied to me.
Winston: Don't look at it as a lie.
Schmidt: All right.
Winston: Look at it as not a lie, and then... and then you're fine.

Jess: Knock-knock, Russell.
Cece: Who's there?
Jess: Two women.
Cece: Two women who?
Jess: Two women coming in!
Cece: Two women coming in who?
Jess: We went over this, Cece... that's not the line.

Jess: Russell? We need to talk.
Russell: Oh, I'm scared of this energy.
Cece: Ya best be. Ya best be scared.
Russell: Is she drunk?
Jess: Yeah. On four glasses of Chardonnay and two pots of coffee. And I'm drunk on rage!
Cece: Knock-knock, boys. Open your brain doors.
Jess: Sit down, Cece.
Jess: Okay. Look, I've let this slide too much in my life, but no more. You may not want me in this meeting, but I belong here.
Russell: Yeah, I-I'm not sure you do.
Jess: Too late, Russell. I'm bustin' in.

Jess: You think just 'cause I'm a woman, I can't bring anything to the table? Well, try me. 'Cause I'm pullin' up a chair, and I'm gettin' in the game.
Cece: Ooh.
Russell: Okay. Guys, this is Jessica Day. Jessica, this is my divorced father support group. We meet every Tuesday.
Jess: Oh, that's why you're crying. It makes sense now. [chuckles softly] Divorced fathers? Um, my dad... my dad is a divorced father. Your kids are gonna turn out fine. Sort of. There-there might be some rough years. I like your choice of snacks.

Jess: Ugh, Russell, I know you're probably mad at me for many reasons. One you might not know about is that my friend did indeed get sick in the receptionist's desk drawer.
Russell: I just wanted to say...
Jess: No, I wanted to say that this morning I was ready to quit.
Russell: Wait, you're gonna quit?
Jess: But I decided not to, because I know I can really make a difference for these schools if you will let me. I know I was wrong about the meeting, but you have to admit, you haven't given me any real work to do.
Russell: That's true.
Jess: Why is that? Do you not think of me as an equal? Because if that's the case, that needs to change.
Russell: No, that's not it at all. Jess, it's just that you're new here, and I've got a lot of trust issues. Probably from my third wife, Jackie. In fact, we were just discussing it in the divorced dad...
Jess: Wait, I thought your fourth wife was named Jackie.
Russell: I married two women named Jackie.
Jess: Back-to-back?
Russell: Yeah. They were related. It's complicated. Look, I got to make this right. I hired you because I feel like you're exactly the right person to get stuff done around here. So I guess it's time for me to just let go and let you do that.
Jess: You won't regret it.
Russell: All right.
Jess: Also, while we're here talking, we need some tampons in the bathroom.