Schmidt: Why aren't you writing?
Nick: I was writing, but I got so inspired by the pages that you found that I drove straight to Merle's office.
[flashback:]
Merle Streep: "Revolutionary culture is a powerful revolutionary weapon for the broad masses of the people." Hey, w-what do you call this again?
Nick: Johnny's Big Day at Work.
Merle Streep: Nice. I have another title for you.
[present:]
Nick: Mao's Little Red Book?!
Schmidt: Shh! Please, voices.
Nick: Mao's Little Red Book?!

Nick: And now I'm not just a hack with bad ideas, but I'm a filthy commie!
Schmidt: Shh. Please!
Nick: And you know I'm no commie!
Schmidt: I don't know your personal beliefs.
Nick: You don't know my personal beliefs?
Schmidt: Enough!
Nick: Those are fightin' words.

Schmidt: We didn't think that you were gonna give those actual pages to your editor. We were just trying to inspire you. Also, why do you own that book?
Nick: You see a red book, you buy a red book.
Schmidt: What do you do with blue books?
Nick: Don't buy.
Schmidt: Yellow books?
Nick: Wait on it.
Winston: That's true.

Ruth: Weren't you ever little like me, Uncle Nick?
Nick: Of course I was little like you. Don't you know anything? I was born on a cold, lonely street on the South Side of Chicago. As rumor has it, and there's no proof of this, obviously, but I delivered myself. It was my fifth birthday party, there was a knock at the door. My father jumped up, gave us all a thumbs-up, gave me a wink, then he jumped out the window, bounced up, took off running.
Winston: Oh, wow...
Nick: I didn't see him for six months. [cut] My only babysitter at the time was a rollercoaster at a local amusement park. That and a pack of cigarettes. Being nine in Chicago is different. [cut] The tree fell, hit the power line, and the power line fell right on the hobo, shocking the hobo back to life. That was an amazing moment. I don't know, it made me question the existence of God. I believed entirely in fate, and it was that same fate that brought me to the woman I love today.
Winston: Uh, Nick, go back. Uh, what happened to the hobo?
Nick: He stood up, he spun around, he said, "Time to get a job," and he walked away.

Jess: Shh, shh, shh. Time for sleep. You get one story. Take it away, Nick.
Nick: I call this one Timothy and the Chi-Town Hobo.
Jess: [sings] Good night, Schmidt and Cece
Nick: "What are you doing in my box?"
Jess: It's time for sleep
Winston: Do, do, do, do, do
Nick: "growled the hobo"
Jess: You haven't slept now
Nick: "to Timothy, as a muss of hair and a pair"
Jess: For over a week
Winston: Do, do, do, do, do
Nick: "of young, sad, brown eyes..."
Jess: We hate to leave, but you should be Counting your sheep
Nick: "...peeked slowly"
Jess: Oh, good night, Schmidt
Nick: "out of a... cardboard box."
Jess: And Cece, good-night
Ruth: Good night! [glass smashes]

Nick: Guys, let's take five. Or as Pepperwood would always say, "Keep your knife dry."
Cooper: #KeepYourKnife...
Nick: Half that. #KeepTheKnifeDry.
Cooper: Hashtag.

Nick: Oof. I've got to go meet with my editor. We're gonna talk about the latest Pepperwood.
Jess: Oh, the one you wrote in Europe? He's gonna love it. Way more than the last book he published, Dede, the Girl with A.D.D. That wouldn't even keep my attention.
Nick: Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo.
Jess: Burn.
Nick: Burn.

Jess: I'm a working girl now. Russell and I are building libraries. He's got me rolling up my sleeves to make it happen.
[flashback:]
Jess: [on the phone] Hi, this is Jessica Day from the Schiller Fund. I'm just calling to make sure this is still the number for a Mr. Marvin Linklever. It is? I'll put a check by your name.
Russell: When you're done with the "L" s, this is the first batch of "M" s.
[present:]
Nick: Sounds like a lot of busywork.
Jess: You cool with that? I'm leaning toward no. I'm listening. But at least I have time to have lunch with my girl Cece. We're celebrating me getting this... glamorous new job.

Schmidt: [on the phone with Cece] Cece, I was up all night trying to put Ruth to sleep. I'm losing my mind. I feel like I'm in the third act of a Darren Aronofsky film.
Ruth: Cheers, Daddy!
Cece: Yeah, tell me about it. I'm wiped, too. I think I put on your underwear this morning.
Schmidt: If I'm being totally honest, I wore your underpants once to a yoga class. Ruth, do you want to go to sleep?
Ruth: No way.
Cece: If you do, I'll write you a check for $6,000.
Ruth: Checks! Checks! Yay, checks!
Schmidt: That didn't quite go as planned.
Cece: You know what, all I actually have to do is get to this lunch with Jess. Which is gonna be really fun.
Ruth: Let's play patty-cake.
Cece: Sorry to talk about a fun lunch while you're at home.
Schmidt: No, look, we have a kid now. One of us should be enjoying our lives.
Cece: [yawning] Yeah, you're right. We should enjoy our lives.
Schmidt: Go to your adult lunch. Eat, drink, and come home and tell me of the world out there. Remember me to the people. Cece, I-I love you. C-Cece? Hello?

Merle Streep: Nick... I don't know where to begin.
Nick: I know. Pepperwood's growing up. He's becoming... transcendent.
Merle Streep: Unbearable. What is this fluff? You've got two chapters of Pepperwood and Jessica Night in bed eating croissants. They chase a feather down a cobblestone street?
Nick: He fell in love, Merle. And then he was reborn. And it's sweet when you think about it like that.
Merle Streep: Okay, I've seen this a million times. Your life has changed, and now you've lost his voice. I can't publish this.
Nick: What? What are you saying? Pepperwood's over?
Merle Streep: Maybe it's run its course. Maybe it's time to move on to something new.