Paul: So, Jess said you're a lawyer, right?
Nick: I dropped out of law school. I had three semesters to go.
Paul: Oh, what?! So close! So you're still trying to figure it out, right? That's what your 20s are for.
Nick: I'm 30, so...

Nick: It's like a Prince video.

Winston: Remember when it was only dudes living here, and we had no fires?
Nick: This is ridiculous. Three months ago we didn't even know this girl.
Schmidt: My Lasik'd eye is freaking out. Okay, that's it. We're leaving. Guys, let's get out of here.

Paul: Wait, wait, wait! Hold on, we can still do this. What are you guys doing? I have been dying to try that food you've been cooking all day. You've been slaving away in there. What's your name again?
Schmidt: Schmidt.
Paul: Right.
Schmidt: You know, it's my last name.
Paul: Well, my last name is Genzlinger, and I'd like to eat the food that you've been making all day, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Yeah, all right. Genzlinger.
Winston: I'm with Genzlinger.

Jess: I have an idea! Let's go next door. Mrs. Beverly's really great. She's visiting her sister, but she gave me her spare key for emergencies.
Nick: So we're breaking and entering. That's a felony, FYI.
Paul: Hey, law school! Nice!
Jess: No, we're not breaking in. I gave her a key to our place, too. She sometimes has a problem with her shower.

Jess: What are you doing? You promised me you'd be nice to him.
Nick: I was nice to him! I've been very nice to Paul. The whole car ride over I was nice to him. You know what he tells me about? He likes Air Bud 2. He loves dogs. I know where he gets his copies made. He likes to whistle. He wanted to open the door with me, so when my hand went up, so did his.
Jess: Oh, I get it. He's not cool enough for you. 'Cause nobody can be cool enough for cool Nick Miller. I'm Nick Miller. I'm so cool, I'll make my cool face. Why don't you like him?

Winston: Hey, Jess. Uh... just want you to know everyone really loves Paul. And also, we can hear everything you're saying.
Jess: What?
Winston: Play through.

Jess: So, um... just a heads-up. Uh... we're just rehearsing a play that, uh, Nick is writing. It's called... "Big-Time." It's... it's about a man who, um, loves another man named Paul and it's not very good. I'm so sorry.
Schmidt: [filling the silence] I've done Give Me That Hat. Only for me it was like, I, you know, I was like, I was like, "Here, take my hat." Do you know what I mean?

Jess: So how bad was it, on a scale from one to bad?
Cece: Let's put it this way: a normal guy would've left a long time ago and he's still here, right?
Jess: He's not normal.

Cece: Schmidt yelled at me earlier.
Jess: Oh, I'm so sorry. Did he get weird? He's weird about cooking. Did you touch his whisk?
Cece: No, the thing is, Jess... is I think I'm into him.
Jess: What? Oh, God.
Cece: Yeah, he's got this rage inside of him, this fury, and I just love it.