Brenda Brown: I am education guru Brenda Brown.
Coach: Oh, no. Who is this? She looks like one of those ladies who talks you into having a baby in a tub.
Brenda Brown: You. The talker.
Coach: Mmm...
Brenda Brown: Stand up. Talk to us.
Coach: There were other people talking, I just want to let you know that.
Brenda Brown: Why are you a teacher?
Coach: Uh, 'cause my... my roommate made me.
Brenda Brown: Hmm.
Coach: What?
Brenda Brown: I'm worried about you. You're a worry.
Coach: Wor... why, why are you worried about me?
Brenda Brown: Teaching is an awesome responsibility. You are not prepared for it. Sit down.
Coach: Okay.

Brenda Brown: Today, we will learn about our fellow educators, their hopes, their dreams, their bitter regrets. The things they wish they'd said to their birth mother... So, partner up.
Ryan: [to Jess] Will you be my partner?
Jess: Mmm, sorry, I'm with Coach.
Coach: No, I can't do it. I'm going to the bar.
Jess: What?
Coach: Buffer out.
Jess: No, buffer in.
Coach: Buffer out.
Jess: Buffer in. Buffer in.

Schmidt: [v.o.] Nana wouldn't let me in the laundry room. I think it's because my hands were always covered in butter. And so I went to college unable to do laundry.
[flashback:]
Younger Nick: I'm making jean shorts!
Younger Schmidt: I'm doing laundry!
Younger Nick: Big night for both of us!
Younger Schmidt: Yeah, it is.
Schmidt: [v.o.] As I pulled out my maternity corduroys, I spied a six-pack of Pi-Phis.
Younger Schmidt: I need... um... I need them loose to keep... to keep my sperm count up. You know how it is!
[present:]
Schmidt: Eventually, the window of time when it was acceptable to learn something so basic had closed. I was an adult. It was too late.

Brenda Brown: Each of you holds a stack of cards with questions for your partners. You must uncover the answers. Begin.
Jess: What gets you out of bed in the morning? Let me guess. Your mother, who you live with, says, [British accent] "Oh, Ryan, your crumpets are getting cold."
Ryan: The thought that any ordinary day could be the day I look back on when I'm much older as being the best day of my life. You?
Jess: Same.

Brenda Brown: Don't look away. Embrace the intimacy...
Jess: I'm good.
Brenda Brown: Embrace the intimacy.
Jess: Okay.
Ryan: You know, I think there's an art to a picnic basket. Apricot jam would never go with a sesame cracker.
Jess: Of course it wouldn't, it would go with...
Ryan: Yeah, it'd go with
Both: a flaky baguette.

Nick: You think the line is a suggestion?
Schmidt: I don't know what it is...
Nick: It isn't! [pours out detergent] Do it again.
Schmidt: It's too hard!
Nick: Do it again!

Nick: Okay, so you start with the first tick.
Winston: Oh...
Nick: That's it, really.

Nick: Stop! [pours out detergent]
Schmidt: That was at the line!
Nick: That was perfect. Now do it ten more times.

Schmidt: What about bleach?
Nick: Let's walk before we can run, huh, pal? Hey, Winston, he's asking about bleach!
Winston: [laughs] Man, that is way too soon.

Schmidt: Warm-warm, warm-cold...
Nick: You got this, don't get flustered!
Schmidt: Cold-cold, hot-cold, hot-hot? It's hot-hot!
Nick: It's always warm-cold.
Schmidt: Well, what's "permanent press"?
Nick: Fake button, nobody uses it.
Winston: Yeah, don't press that one.