Schmidt: [holding bed sheets] You told me to relax, so... Self-pleasure is the only thing that relaxes me.
Nick: Ugh. Seriously, Schmidt?
Winston: That is crass.
Schmidt: I don't want to hear it, I don't want to hear it.

Ryan: I saved you a seat.
Jess: Oh! No. I've been offered a seat at the higher-ups' table. The tastemakers. You're not invited.
Ryan: Oh, I see. You're back to avoiding me.
Jess: I'm not av... I don't know what you're talking about.
Ryan: Yes, you do. You've been avoiding me for weeks at school. That's why I was so happy that we were finally getting a chance to, I don't know, maybe get to know each other.
Jess: What, is this summer camp? We don't need to get to know each other.
Ryan: What's your problem with me? Did I do something to offend you?
Jess: Why do... I... I don't have a problem.
Ryan: You have a problem with me.
Jess: [mimicking British accent] I don't have a problem with you.

Coach: Hey, Jess! Buffer on the roof! [laughs] I'm freaking out. Freakin', freakin' out. Freak, freak, freak. [dog barks] Is that a baby? I feel like I hear a baby.

Winston: There is no way for me to express my joy. Except by telling you the width of my smile. [giggles] I can't read it, somebody else read it. No, I want to do it, I want to do it, hold on. But I can't see, let me turn it... uh...

Winston: Man, that is... that is heavy.
Schmidt: Hey, Nick, that's something we should talk about.
Nick: I mean, what are we gonna do, sit around all night and talk about love? [laughs]
[cut to, the guys in a teepee in the living room:]
Winston & Schmidt: [sings] I want to know what love is I want you to show me Ooh... I want to know what love is Oh... And I want you to sh...
Foreigner: I know you can show me
Schmidt: Sad song.

Nick, Winston & Schmidt: Hello Is it me you're looking for? I can see it in your...
Nick: I want to be the someone that somebody is looking for.
Schmidt: In your smile...
Nick: But what do I have to offer?
Schmidt: Do not talk about yourself like that.
Nick: Come on, guys, what do I bring to the table?
Winston: That's easy, man. You're the cute one.
Nick: What?
Schmidt: That's right. Look, I'm the smart one, Winston's the silly one, Coach is the sports one, and you're the cute one.

Schmidt: This is about Nick valuing himself enough to aim for the top. Now, I-I've been to the top of the mountain, with Cece, and it was glorious up there. And you know, one of these days-- could be tomorrow-- I'm gonna be a millionaire. If I don't have Cece, then what do I have?
Nick: You got a million dollars.

Winston: If I'm being honest, you guys, uh... I'm worried about being a cop.
Schmidt: Sure.
Winston: You know, what if I see something really bad and then it... it changes me? You know, it makes me
lose my faith and then I become really bad?
Nick: You guys really think I'm the cute one?
Schmidt: You know what's not cute? Pretending that you don't know that you are.
Nick: Schmidt, this sangria is just delicious.
Schmidt: Thanks, man.
Nick: I'm jealous of that little orange in there. It gets to just drink all the sangria it wants. Yeah. I'm probably gonna... I'm gonna eat the orange, too. Guys' Night.
All: Guys' Night!

Jess: Why did you leave?
Ryan: I know this sounds silly, but I realized that the only time I'd been really happy in my life was teaching my little sister how to read. She suffers from crippling dyslexia.
Jess: Oh, God!
Ryan: What?
Jess: You're just... so perfect.
Ryan: Well, it's more common than you might think.
Jess: No, you're like the most perfect person I've ever met. And it's like you're an angel who's been sent down to the Earth, like... have you ever seen the movie The Preacher's Wife? Anyway, I just have this big, stupid crush on you. I... didn't say that.

Ned: Hey, man. Am I gonna get your e-mail? What's gonna happen here?
Coach: Yeah, let's do it, let's do it.
Ned: Let's do it, let's do it.
Coach: Yeah.
Ned: It's [email protected].
Coach: At guhmail... you mean Gmail?
Ned: Oh, is that how you say it?