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Teachers

‘Teachers’

Season 4, Episode 8 - Aired November 18, 2014

Jess asks Coach to be a buffer between her and Ryan when they attend a teachers' conference. Meanwhile, Nick, Schmidt and Winston have a guys' night back in the loft.

Quote from Nick

Winston: You know what? To Nick. What can't you do?
Nick: A lot, you know, I can't say "Frebuary."
Schmidt: [laughs] No one can!
Winston: Frebuar... Febuar-ar...
Schmidt: Feb.. I... (babbles) Whatever.
Winston: Feb... February. Yeah, it's February.
Nick: I can't say the alphabet unless I'm singing the song. And I never learned how to love. But enough about me... Guys' Night! Let's go, gentlemen.

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Quote from Coach

Coach: Health is the most important subject on Earth.
Jess: Yes, it is important.
Coach: 'Cause you know kids, they're always wanting to have sex with each other. They don't know that it just feels good for a second and then you're sad.
Jess: And that's why we need someone great, someone strong, who the kids trust. Okay. Someone who can yell at them about chlamydia.
Coach: That does... that sounds like... like something Coach would do.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Nine-inch bottle. Rappers be lying.

Quote from Winston

Nick: Well, if I were so cute, then how come I can't find anyone to love?
Schmidt: 'Cause you're aiming too low.
Winston: Nick, my man, you don't find diamonds underground.
Nick: That's exactly where you find diamonds, Winston.
Schmidt: Let's... can we not... This is not about gems, okay?

Quote from Jess

Cece: Ooh! Are you kidding me? Ryan is going? Ryan-Ryan? The guy you have a crazy crush on?
Jess: I had a crush on him. Principal Foster says that administrators can't date teachers. It's forbidden.
Cece: That makes it so much hotter.
Jess: It makes it crazy hotter. But, look, it's not just about Principal Foster. This is about how I worked really hard to get to Vice Principal, and I'm not gonna let some British guy get in my way. Some redcoat bastard.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: Hey, you guys want sangria?
Nick: It's Guys' Night! Only beer!
Winston: Yeah, what is this, Spain?
Nick: Great sangria burn, man.
Winston: Really?
Nick: Never let your guard down! [knocks Winston down]

Quote from Nick

Nick: All right, first up, we eat meat.
Schmidt: How much meat?!
Nick: Then we take a fart nap.
Schmidt: Not for me. Pass.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Wow. Look at that stretching.
Nick: I don't want to... make this sound too creepy, but I want to own those girls. I wouldn't touch them. They'd want for nothing. But I would know they were there. Stretching. For me.
Winston: I want to French braid that girl hair. I want to French braid that hair so good.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: Why don't you just wash it?
Schmidt: Why don't I just what?
Nick: Wash it. Just wash the blanket. Unless you can't.
Schmidt: Come on, man. Get out of here.
Nick: I've known you for a lot of years and I've never seen you do laundry.
Schmidt: Never seen me do laundry... Get out of town.
Winston: Wait, wait. Is that true?
Schmidt: Come on, you guys, this is so... Really, this is silly.
Nick: Then do it. Right now. We'll watch.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Nerd. Nerd. Dud. Lady nerd. Goofus. Virgin...
Jess: Hey, Coach, I need you to be my buffer!
Coach: Okay, but Nick can never find out about this.
Jess: Wait, what?
Coach: Hmm? What?
Jess: What are you talking about?
Coach: What are you talking about?

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