New Girl - Coach Quote #125
Carol: Health is the most important subject. Screw up, and they "just" get pregnant. What's your safe sex lesson plan?
Coach: I don't know! Uh, lie to them and say condoms feel good? Uh, maybe tell them about my buddy who's got bumps on his thing? Maybe bring up Magic Johnson. Maybe bring up Kobe Bryant.
Quote from Cece
Cece: And so exactly how do you plan to avoid this man that you are trapped in the same hotel with? There are, like, a thousand porns that start that way.
Jess: Yeah, but no porns have teachers.
Cece: Every porn has a teacher.
Quote from Jess
Jess: [on the phone] He's amazing. I think he might be an angel sent down to Earth like Denzel Washington in The Preacher's Wife.
Cece: Oh, honey, okay, what can I do?
Jess: In your purse, you will find a white envelope.
Cece: Okay, you, you wrote a letter to yourself, and stuck it in my purse?
Jess: Read it, I need to hear it.
Cece: "Dear Jess, If you are reading this, it's because you're being an idiot and developing feelings for your employee, you ballet-flat-wearing piece of Oregon trash."
Jess: You are so right. You are so right.
Cece: "To have intercourse with the first man hired under your reign would be an insult to yourself and also..." This part's in caps. "...all women everywhere."
Jess: All women everywhere.
Cece: "Did you learn nothing from the movie Elizabeth, you stupid little bitch?"
Jess: No one respects a queen who sleeps with her subjects. I will paint my face white. No man may have me.
Quote from Coach
Nick: Ooh, the female reproductive system.
Winston: Kind of looks like the Chicago Bulls symbol.
Nick: It does.
Coach: Now, this is the only part that matters.
Nick: The money train. Sure.
Winston: Hey, I call it my nine-to-five. 'Cause it's my job to work it. You know what I'm saying?
Schmidt: The large intestine, you degenerates.
Quote from Spiderhunt
Schmidt: Wait a minute, is your e-mail address [email protected]?
Coach: Yeah, man. Picked it in college. It's just gonna follow me from job to job, ISP to ISP. We've been everywhere together, brotha. Never done .org or a .gov. I would never do that.
Coach: But every other damn domain.
Schmidt: You can't e-mail a girl like May from an e-mail address like owwMeSoErnie. Although, you did got a job at a school, so what do I know?
Quote from Fired Up
Coach: I'm what?
Jess: We had to do budget cuts, and we have to let two people go, and you're my friend, and I couldn't stop it. I'm so sorry.
[The boys' basketball team runs in with a custom-made jacket for Coach]
Boy: We all pitched in.
Coach: Thanks, guys. I'm not coach anymore. I'm just Coach.
Quote from Dance
Coach: You three are the worst chaperones possible on earth. A dog would be better than you. A plant wearing underwear would be better than you. Ray Charles' ghost would be better than you! Wh- What kind of men are you?