Cece Quote #119
Cece: And so exactly how do you plan to avoid this man that you are trapped in the same hotel with? There are, like, a thousand porns that start that way.
Jess: Yeah, but no porns have teachers.
Cece: Every porn has a teacher.
Quote from Coach
Carol: Health is the most important subject. Screw up, and they "just" get pregnant. What's your safe sex lesson plan?
Coach: I don't know! Uh, lie to them and say condoms feel good? Uh, maybe tell them about my buddy who's got bumps on his thing? Maybe bring up Magic Johnson. Maybe bring up Kobe Bryant.
Quote from Jess
Jess: [on the phone] He's amazing. I think he might be an angel sent down to Earth like Denzel Washington in The Preacher's Wife.
Cece: Oh, honey, okay, what can I do?
Jess: In your purse, you will find a white envelope.
Cece: Okay, you, you wrote a letter to yourself, and stuck it in my purse?
Jess: Read it, I need to hear it.
Cece: "Dear Jess, If you are reading this, it's because you're being an idiot and developing feelings for your employee, you ballet-flat-wearing piece of Oregon trash."
Jess: You are so right. You are so right.
Cece: "To have intercourse with the first man hired under your reign would be an insult to yourself and also..." This part's in caps. "...all women everywhere."
Jess: All women everywhere.
Cece: "Did you learn nothing from the movie Elizabeth, you stupid little bitch?"
Jess: No one respects a queen who sleeps with her subjects. I will paint my face white. No man may have me.
Quote from Winston
Nick: We just came to say we're sorry.
Schmidt: Guess you think I'm pretty dim, huh? A man who can't do laundry.
Winston: You weren't born this way, were you?
Schmidt: Born not knowing how to do laundry? Like everyone else? Yes, Winston, I was. It wasn't till after birth that the trouble really began.
Quote from Mario
Schmidt: How can I survive another nine months of pregnant Cece? She was so mean to me.
Schmidt: I got your wings, my love.
Cece: I wanted all flats, no drumlets! Do they look flat to you?! [muffled grunting] Do they look flat to you?!
Schmidt: She tried to jam the business end of a drumlet straight up my tuchus. And then things got worse. I can only describe what I experienced next as... anti-Semitic.
Cece: Hey, gefilte face! Quit playing "Where's My Foreskin?" and get in here and rub my feet before I divorce your Yentl-loving, Ashkenazi ass!
Quote from Homecoming
Cece: Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Cece Schmidt. So if any of you have anything else you'd like to say to my husband, I will drag you outside and we will handle this L.A. style. I will take you to the corner of Fairfax and La Brea. [crowd booing]
Winston: Those are parallel streets.
Nick: I'm not telling her that.
Louise: That's my daughter! We have to leave. Where's my car?
Jess: Even though your car is definitely here, it's a beautiful night... let's walk.
Winston: Okay, look, she clearly did something weird with your car, but I got something. Trust us.
Cece: Sepulveda! La Cienega, bitches. El Matador beach.
Schmidt: You're just naming places in Southern California.
Cece: Nickel Canyon!
Quote from Jaipur Aviv
Schmidt: Cece, this is the hardest thing that I've ever had to say to you. I had always assumed that when you got serious about interior design, I was going to love your ideas. Because I love you. I hate your ideas. I hate them almost as much as I love you, which is so much.
Cece: I have to stop you right there. I appreciate the fact that you are a very dramatic man, but the next time you start a conversation with, "This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to say to you," it better end with, "I'm gay now," "I found a lump in my nut," or, "He came out of nowhere, help me get the blood off of my car."
Schmidt: I can't live in a house that you don't love. And I also can't live in a house of horrors!
Cece: Thank you for taking my note about being dramatic.