Winston: Hey, it's gone.
Schmidt: Get him!
Winston: It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It can't hurt you. It can't hurt you.
Schmidt: Where is... where is the body?!
Nick: He was headed straight for The Sauce! Can you imagine how powerful that spider would've become had he entered my Sauce?

Nick: All right, clockwise, honey. Don't fight it. Let me make you.
Coach: What... is that?
Nick: This is the only thing us Miller men know how to make. And we call it The Sauce.
Coach: It stinks.
Nick: It doesn't stink.

Jess: Okay, you guys know the drill. We split up into teams, and we hunt this spider.
Winston: Why can't we just call an exterminator?
Coach: Yes.
Nick: They've all blocked Schmidt's calls since the dandelion incident.
Schmidt: It moved like a spider, Nick!

Jess: Coach, you're a Jar-Man.
Coach: Mm.
Jess: You're with Schmidt. Cece, with your delicate little hands, you're a born Jar-Man.
Cece: Okay.
Jess: Which means I need to pair you up with a Smusher.
Winston: I smush.
Jess: That'd be me.
Winston: Smusher for life.
Jess: You're such a Jar-Man. You don't even know you're a Jar-Man, Jar-Man.

Winston: Uh, Cece.
Cece: Yeah.
Winston: Before we get started, you want to have a quick Jar-Man strategy session? A little Jar-Jar strat sesh?
Cece: Are you winking or farting?

Jess: The only strategy is: find the spider, kill the spider, mount the spider's head on top of the roof so all the other spiders know. All right. And spiderhunt!
All: Spiderhunt!
Schmidt: You find that thing... [smacks newspaper repeatedly] ...you-you make sure that it's done.
Jess: That's extreme. That's...
Cece: Okay.

Winston: Hey, what do you think Jess and Cece are talking about?
Nick: Uh, probably that stupid movie theater popcorn machine that Cece wants me to get for the bar. She keeps haranguing me about it. "Popcorn machine, popcorn machine." Look, I don't know what void Cece's trying to fill in her life...
Winston: I don't know, either. Why would I know? I don't know what void she's trying to fill.
Nick: It's all she wants to talk about.
Winston: Oh.
Nick: Stupid movie theater popcorn machine. I'm like, "Shut up, dude."

Winston: You put bologna in your Bolognese?
Nick: Where else would it get its name? Trick question-- it gets it from the mayonnaise. [squirts mayonnaise]
Winston: [chuckling] Yeah, yeah. You got it. [backs away]

Schmidt: Okay, you know what? How about this? I'm not sure why he did it but I sure am glad that God rearranged the letters in "yam" to... create something even sweeter.
Coach: What?
Schmidt: May.
Coach: Oh, May, yeah. Yeah, all right. Keep going, keep going.
Schmidt: Oh, dear God. It's left the web to feed.
Coach: All right, I'll put that. Seems like a weird thing to say.

Cece: Lots of bars have popcorn machines. I really think that people would dig it. They're not that expensive, and everybody loves fresh popcorn.
Jess: Do you like somebody in the loft?
Cece: Winston. Okay, what did he tell you?
Jess: He told me you like someone but he won't name names. Is it Schmidt? Do you like Schmidt again?
Cece: No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. No.
Jess: Who is it then? Who?
Cece: I want to tell you. I want to tell you so, like, so badly-- you know me-- I want to tell you so bad, I just, um, I'm very sorry, but I can't.
Jess: Right, right, right, right, you can't tell anybody, except freaking Winston! That slow puzzler!
Cece: I know.
Jess: I'm lower down on the food chain than Officer Cat Fancy?!
Cece: No! No. No, no, no, no. It's just I know that you would do anything to help me, and in this situation, you know, there's just nothing to be done. And we both know that you would just want to get involved.
Jess: Well, I can stay uninvolved.
Cece: I want to tell you, but I can't. I just can't.
Jess: Okay. That's fine. Okay. That's cool, that's cool. New teams!