Abby: Don't you want to know why I left?
Jess: You saw my text, and I'm... I'm honestly sorry, but you do ruin everything!
Abby: Whoa. Thought I was gonna turn the tables with that one.

Winston: This is great.
Bertie: Mmm.
Winston: You know, Bertie had a dream she killed me.

Coach: That was awful.
Cece: That was the worst.
Coach: Oh, my gosh. Wow, what is happening?
Cece: Oh, Lord.
Coach: Maybe you were right not to text me back, 'cause that was embarrassing. [chuckles]
Cece: I'm sorry.
Coach: No, that's cool.
Cece: Can we just be friends now? You know?
Coach: Yeah. I mean, why not? Friends?
Cece: Friends. [they shake hands]
Coach: Friends.

Jess: Okay. Go straight to the gate.
Abby: Look I get why you're mad at me. Okay? But if it's any consolation, I'm a woman in my 30s about to get on a plane to go live with my mother. It's only a matter of time before I have a tiny denim backpack, too. I said I would never go back to Portland. So I guess I'm a complete failure. I'm the baby.

Schmidt: I need you to ruin this bar mitzvah.
Nick: What do you say, just get out there and do some weird dancing?
Schmidt: It's got to be bigger than that, man.
Nick: Bigger than that?
Schmidt: Then I come out there and I knock you out.
Nick: It's all right. Again, it'll be a stage punch. Don't worry. I've done several productions of...
Both: West Side Story.
Nick: I know. You told me.
Schmidt: As a Puerto Rican Shark. Da, da.

Schmidt: The rabbi will then come out, he'll thank me, the hero...
Nick: Gotcha.
Schmidt: He'll offer me his daughter's hand, then, five years from now, Rachael is pregnant with Elon's little sister and we're having a beautiful family New Year's then in our vacation condo in the Florida Keys.
Nick: You're doing it again, you're talking in speeches. You've been monologuing, lately, Schmidt. Do you s- Do you, do you hear yourself?
Schmidt: I-I'm unaware of it.
Nick: You- Okay. I'm not gonna get mad at you, 'cause I respect you and you're one of-
Schmidt: I'm unaware of it.
Nick: But, like, it's weird.
Schmidt: I apologize. I'll stop doing it.

Nick: [to the old woman and a teenage boy] Oh! Well, well, well, it's a snake in the grass. How you doing? My name's Nick. You know martial arts? Swear to God you don't? You run around with this hunk anymore, this little surfer cat. I know your game. Charming the ladies with your baby blue eyes. I wish I had 'em. Breaking my heart, beautiful.
Old Woman: What?
Nick: And I all do is love you. I give and I give. I been working for 40 years at the steel mill for you.
Old Woman: We just met.
Nick: I want to rip that blouse off you and put it on me.
Old Woman: Oh, wow.
Nick: I want to wear your lipstick.
Old Woman: Well, that's interesting.
Nick: I want to rip those earrings off and put 'em on and I want to be the girl!
Old Woman: That would be wonderful.
Nick: But I won't do it around all these crazy Jews. And I don't care who's watching. I want what I want. [kisses her]

Schmidt: [enters] You know what? There is something I just cannot shake, I been tossing and turning all night long.
Nick: We literally have been apart for like 15 seconds, man, get out of here.
Schmidt: I am your wingman now, Nick, because it-it takes two wings-
Nick: Don't do this.
Schmidt: for a, for a bird to dance. Jessica Day, you are dating a champion.
Jess: I agree.
Schmidt: And I don't know why on earth you would be embarrassed of him.

Abby: I'm Abby.
Nick: Abby.
Abby: Hi. Mom was right. He does have an uptown butt.
Jess: What?
Abby: I'd like to put that butt in ski pants.
Jess: What does that mean?
Nick: Nothing.
Abby: Everything.

Nick: Well, she is just a delight.
Jess: So I might have told a few lies about my sister. She's a total train wreck, and she was in jail.
Nick: Well, look, why lie? You know how many Millers have been or are currently in jail? I get it.
Jess: It's just, she's such a...
Abby: [o.s.] I can hear you.
Jess: [whispers] Complicated person.