Winston: Let's see. KXHD136.
Schmidt: You memorized the package tracking number, but you didn't know that you could use that number to track the package?
Winston: What?! 9:18 A.M. refused delivery? Did you refuse a package to Retired Rear Admiral Jay Garage-A-Roo?
Schmidt: Listen to what you just asked. Of course I did.
Winston: Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it, Schmidt! I am Retired Rear Admiral Jay Garage-A-Roo! It is my Secret Santa alias.
Schmidt: Oh.
Winston: Yeah. Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

Nick: Well, Jess, Christmas is just so stressful... with the lists and the lines and-and the dancing girls at TV Town Song Room.
Schmidt: TV Town Song Room? Do you mean Radio City Music Hall?
Nick: Yeah.
Schmidt: How could you get so many things wrong in a row?
Nick: At Radio City Music's Hall.

Winston: Jess.
Jess: Yes. Yes, my love.
Winston: Honey, we both know we have been unhappy for far too long. I am not just a vehicle you get to ride to Pleasure Town. Be gone, honky! [throws drink at Jess] This is for your own good. Say good-bye to paradise, honey!

Winston: It was Black Santa.
Schmidt: Santa Claus isn't even real.
Winston: We got a Black president, we got a Black Santa Claus.
Schmidt: It was not Black Santa Claus! What a ... that's ludicrous.
Winston: I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. Now, what is he doing? He should be at home getting ready.
Jess: I believe. I believe Sam and I want to go see him.
Winston: To the Black North Pole!

Angie: You know, to be completely honest, when I first met you, I didn't think that you could handle this.
Nick: Handle what? The fact that you're a stripper?
Angie: Me being... Yeah.
Nick: Are you kidding? Me?
Angie: Yeah. Is it good? You're sweating a little bit.
Nick: You know what, lady, I was born on the wrong side of the tracks. I've had tetanus thrice in my life.