Nick: We can come back from this. Buy everybody in here a drink.
Schmidt: That's a cool move. That's a Rat Pack move. [to a silent man] Can I buy you a drink? Um, uh, a beer? A bock, maybe? You've got some amber in-in your necklace. Uh, maybe an amber bock. Nick? Nick?

Big Schmidt: [to Winston] I'm not mad. I'm just incredibly disappointed in you. Five whiskeys, please.
Bartender: Coming up.
Big Schmidt: You're doing them all.
Winston: That's too much whiskey for my frame.
J. Cronkite Valley-Forge: No, no, I know it seems like a lot, but binge drinking can be a fun and safe way to engage with life. This is one of your dear friend's bachelor parties, you know? If you miss out on it now, you miss out on the memories forever, Wally.
Winston: My name's Winston, but you're absolutely correct, man. I should not be sitting here, thinking about Aly. She's never going to go for a guy like me. Clearly living in a fantasy world. I should be getting drunk with you guys in this disgusting bar. [laughter]
J. Cronkite Valley-Forge: Hear, hear. Cheers to that.
Winston: Oh, that is low quality whiskey.

Nick: Who wants a drink?
Dusty Sand: I'll take a nice warm glass of how about you stop coming over here and using our water to hydrate your daisies over in L.A.?!
Schmidt: Okay, first of all, let me just say, I think we're all concerned about the drought in California.
Nick: I haven't showered in six days.
Dusty Sand: Oh, so you're saying you want to fight.
Nick: That's a huge leap in logic.
Dusty Sand: You want to fight?
Schmidt: Yeah. I'll fight you and then I'll take a hot shower, you s-sandy lizard man.
Dusty Sand: Let's do this.

Schmidt: Yeah, let's fight these guys, Nick.
Nick: Yeah, totally. We're gonna fight these guys. Uh, but not indoors. Because real men fight outside.
Schmidt: Yeah, just like real chili doesn't have beans.
Dusty Sand: What the hell you just say about beans?
Schmidt: Beans are nothing but soggy nuts.
Dusty Sand: What the hell are you saying about nuts?!
Nick: Nothing, it's a totally weird digression. It's not what we're about. We'll see you outside. But first we got to go to the little boys' room together.
Schmidt: Yeah, we're gonna urinate and then we're gonna do this.
Nick: Yeah.
Schmidt: Uh, is there a key? Do I need a key to the restroom?

Schmidt: We're escaping? How-how is that butch, Nick?
Nick: Enough with the butch stuff, Schmidt. You got to let this Toby thing go. If I freaked out every time somebody yelled at me, I...
Schmidt: It's not because I got yelled at. It's because I got yelled at in front of Cece. You know, I know she can handle herself, but I need to prove to myself that I can defend her from the lunatic pagans of the world. Because if I can't, what kind of husband am I going to be? I understand if you don't want any part of this, but this is something I have to do. For me.
Nick: [sighs] Okay. I'm in. If you got to do it, then I got your back. There's two of them, there's two of us. We can do this.

Nick: They got a lot of rings, Schmidty.
Schmidt: We are so outnumbered.
Nick: So outnumbered. We're not going to win this fight.
Schmidt: That's a little boy over there.
Nick: Where'd that little boy come from?
Blaze Sand: He just does that sometimes.
Schmidt: All right, I'll take the little boy.
Nick: I'm gonna take the little boy.
Schmidt: I got the little boy. You take everybody else.
Nick: I got the boy. I'm gonna go for the little boy.
Dusty Sand: You're not touching Dirt Boy.
Blaze Sand: Don't touch Dirt Boy.
Dusty Sand: Dirt Boy touches you.
Schmidt: Why did you not more forcefully talk me out of this? Why is that little boy not in a day care?

Nick: What are we gonna do? We gotta do something, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!
Nick: What are you doing?
Schmidt: I'm being a man. I'm Schmidt! Schmidt! Yeah, I'm Schmidt! Schmidt!
Blaze Sand: Why does he keep saying his name?
Schmidt: I'm Schmidt. In case you're wondering what my n... what my name is, it's Schmidt. Schmidt! This is Nick! Nick! Schmidt!

Schmidt: [outside] Schmidt! Yeah, I'm Schmidt!
Winston: My babies. Ain't nobody gonna touch my babies. [whooping] Knuckle up! Yeah, I'm feeling dangerous!
Nick: No, no, no. Winston. Winston. No. Uh-huh!
Winston: I ain't got no phone. I ain't got no Aly.
Nick: No, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no.
Winston: Dirt bike push. [yells]
Nick: Winston.
Winston: Mirror kick. [yells]
Blaze Sand: Hey, hey, that's my car!
Dusty Sand: Okay, get him!
Winston: That's his car? You didn't say that was his car.

Nick: Here. For your cheek.
Schmidt: I think some turquoise got stuck in there.

Winston: Damn. Anybody else get hit with a geode? I got hit with a geode.
Robby: Some dude stuck his fingers in my mouth. What is that? Is that like a desert power thing?
J. Cronkite Valley-Forge: When things started escalating, I just rolled up into a little ball like an armadillo.
Winston: Fellas, can I get real for a second? I was thinking about Aly the entire time. This is one of her barrettes. You know, women use barrettes to keep their hairs in different styles.
Robby: Yeah.
Winston: But Aly uses this to pin her hair up when she's on duty. And I kept it. [chuckles] That's how pathetic I am.
J. Cronkite Valley-Forge: That's not pathetic. It's lovely. It reminds me of all my old lost loves.
Robby: Yeah. Cece.
Big Schmidt: Or my ex. She was a pill, but when she used to go to second base on me, she was like Joe Morgan.
Winston: You know, a lot of people don't know this, but, uh, Aly's full name is Alison. I like to imagine that she was named after the song.
Robby: [sings] Alison [J. Cronkite Valley-Forge and Big Schmidt join in] I know this world Is killing you Alison Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba My aim is true.