Winston: You know what would be a good plan? You get a job at a Raisin Bran factory, right? You start stealing all of the raisins, okay? You follow? Then you hydrate those raisins to make them turn back into grapes, and you sell the grapes. There's no overhead, and you make you a very rich man.
J. Cronkite Valley-Forge: That's right, Wilson. You have surrendered to the night.
Winston: I'm Wilson.

Schmidt: Sorry I got us into this, Nick. I was useless out there. I didn't even get one punch in.
Nick: That's not true. You hit me a little bit.
Schmidt: I got my ass whomped out there. Got whomped up and down the road.
Nick: What's whomp?
Schmidt: Like a whomp-down.
Nick: Oh, whooped?
Schmidt: Whomped.
Nick: Are you talking about getting beat up?
Schmidt: Yes.
Nick: Whooped.
Schmidt: I got this calendar bod, but it doesn't hold up in battle.

Nick: Look, it's 2016. She's not looking for a strong husband. That... no, tha-that's not what I was gonna... That's not where I was going with this.
Schmidt: I'm getting married, Nick. How am I going to defend Cece? She deserves the best husband in the world, and what if I don't have what it takes?
Nick: Of course you have what it takes to be a modern husband. Do you have what it takes to be a husband of the old world? God, no. They would use you as a pelt. Today, you fought, kinda. You're gonna make a great husband to Cece.
Schmidt: How do you know?
Nick: Because I know.
Schmidt: Because why?
Nick: Because.
Schmidt: Look what happened here today. Because why?
Nick: Beca... ever since I've known you, you've been there. Okay, you're always there. Even when I don't want you there, you're there. That's what a husband does. You fight for me. That's what a husband does. You care about what I eat. That's what a husband does. You've cooked for me, even when I don't ask. That's what a husband does. When I pass out, you comb my hair so there's no knots in it. That's what a husband does. So, guess what. You're gonna be a great husband to Cece because you're a great husband to me. So that's how I know. You're, you're like my husband. You're like my wife, but... Yeah, so that's how I know.

Schmidt: The froofy Japan bachelor party is off. W-We're going to Vegas on a road trip. Like men.
Nick: Vegas, yeah!
Schmidt: Like men.
Nick: Like men.
Schmidt: Like men!
Winston: Vegas!!
Schmidt: [cheers]
Jess: Is this change of plans an overreaction to something?
Schmidt: No, it's not.
Cece: [quietly] Yes, it is.

Nick: Oh, I called the car rental place, reservation's all good.
Schmidt: Did you get us the toughest convertible?
Nick: I did. Anything you want, you get. I'm your best man.
Schmidt: Well, what if I want a hug?
Nick: Peel it open.
Schmidt: All right. You failed the test. Hugs are not tough. Bro fail. Big-time bro fail, Nick.

Schmidt: This has nothing to do with me being yelled at.
Cece: Yeah, okay.
Schmidt: This has everything to do with a road trip.
Jess: Road tri... Are we not... Are we not cheering on that one?
Winston: Cece, as your bridesman I am so sorry I have to miss your bachelorette party. I know you girls are just having a ladies' day in, but please keep Winnie up to date with anything that's noteworthy.
Men: Noteworthy!
Jess: "Noteworthy" gets one?

J. Cronkite Valley-Forge: Ah, Vegas. Truly a town in which to devour and be devoured.
Robby: Whoo-whoo. Whoo, whoo, Vegas. I'm gonna click in, eventually. I just... this morning I realized I still have some unresolved feelings towards Cece, and now I'm out here celebrating with her fiancé. So, you know... if I didn't wake up tomorrow, you know, that would be fine with me. But we're gonna have a good time in Las Vegas. Whoo.
Winston: Yeah, that's dark, man. [phone chimes] That's dark, bro. Ooh, I got a text from Jess. Hot bachelorette party goss. "With Aly, Tripp. On the squirts!" That's weird. Uh, why would she be with Aly and her boyfriend? Why does she need to tell me? Maybe they're having problems. She's, uh, with my partner, Aly, who, I'm in love with, but she has a boyfriend, you know. And I'm married to Rhonda, but it's a prank. It's a whole story, I'm prank...
Big Schmidt: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Too many lady problems, all right? This is a bachelor party.
Winston: You know what? You're right. You're right. I'm gonna put the phone away. My focus is here with you guys.
J. Cronkite Valley-Forge: Fabulous. Anybody want to split a pill?

Nick: You look cool, man. You look cool. Hey, why don't you check your right pocket, buddy?
Schmidt: What?
Nick: What?
Schmidt: I said "What?"
Nick: I thought you said something different.
Schmidt: Different from what?
Nick: I thought you said something different.
Schmidt: I can't hear you. What?
Nick: Check your pocket on the right side, buddy.
Schmidt: My pock... [takes out a cigar] Yeah! This is exactly what I was talking about.
Nick: What?
Schmidt: [spitting]

Big Schmidt: We are going to party so hard. [grunts] We're gonna go buck wild.
Robby: Buck wild.
J. Cronkite Valley-Forge: On fleek.
Winston: Yeah, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right.
Big Schmidt: I'm telling you guys, this couldn't come at a better time. I really need this. I mean, between my divorce and my mom getting put in hospice care, you know?
Winston: Yeah, we gonna tap that ass! Bend it over and do it again.

Nick: Hey, guys! Eagle eyes has found the road house. So let's...! I don't why I led out with "let's" like that. I feel like I have nowhere to...
Schmidt: Let's rodeo.