Nick: But if it goes poorly, I'm not putting Humpty Dumpty back together again.
Schmidt: Am I Humpty Dumpty?
Nick: Yeah. I'm just not doing it again.
Schmidt: You won't have to.
Nick: Also, nowhere in that rhyme does it say he's an egg.
Schmidt: He's most definitely an egg, Nick.
Nick: So, what kind of king uses all those resources to put together one egg?
Schmidt: It's a parable. Humpty Dumpty is the king.
Nick: Who told you that?

Schmidt: Look, I know you don't trust my dad, but I'm happy that he's here. We're working through stuff.
Nick: Wait, Schmidt, I want you to have a relationship with your father. I really do, but I've been down this road so many times. He just shows up out of the boo, and then all of a sudden expects...
Schmidt: It's "blue". It's "blue."
Nick: Well, thanks, Eye-stein.

Nick: Hey, Jess, heads up, I borrowed your towel.
Jess: Use your own towel if you're gonna shower.
Nick: No, I didn't shower, I just sponged off.
Jess: Ew. Ugh! That's even worse. You didn't even get clean before you used the towel.
Nick: It's called a French whore's bath.
Jess: You wouldn't make a dime as a French whore.
Cece: You would make zero dollars.
Nick: I'd make millions, millions. Bonjour. Croissant. Millions.

Winston: Sam. Guess who the luckiest boy in the world is? It's you. It's an extra bird shirt, huh? I keep an extra one in my car, just in case I get interviewed on television.
Sam: Oh. Thank you. [folds the shirt, places it on the bar]
Winston: Put on the bird shirt, Sam.
Sam: I will.
Winston: When?
Sam: When I don't have to take my other shirt off in a bar full of people.
[Winston maintains eye contact with Sam as he backs away across the bar]

Cece: This past year with Schmidt's changed me. It's made me believe in love stories.
Jess: Is that why you were crying during the bank commercial where the two old people were texting each other?
Cece: Jessica...
Jess: I know.
Cece: They now have the money that they need...
Jess: No, I know...
Cece: to be buried together. [Jess laughs] We both know that you're not gonna be able to live with yourself if you don't give this letter to Sam.
Jess: Yeah. What if I lose him?
Cece: Well, then you'll at least know, babe. It's not your love story.
Jess: Oh. I have something to tell you. The old man in the bank commercial, um, played a Nazi in Schindler's List. Does that change anything?

Winston: Happy Bird Day, Dr. Sam.
Sam: Wow, you didn't have to do that.
Schmidt: Did you say, "Bird Day"?
Winston: You heard me. Well, you know, I figured Jess likes you, so I like you, too, man. Welcome to the family.
Sam: H-Hey, look at that. It's a shirt with a whole lot of birds on it.
Winston: That's a bird shirt.
Sam: Bird shirt. What? Why? What-what's the...?
Winston: Ah, you know why.
[flashback to Sam passing by Winston in a bird shirt:]
Sam: Cool shirt, dude.
Winston: [chuckles]
[present:]
Winston: We're bird bros now. And check it out, you can wear it to the party. You know, nothing says, "This dude is dope," like a motherflippin' finch, am I right?

Jess: I've never seen him laugh like that. What do I do?
Cece: Think of it this way: you're a dog, he's a fire hydrant, you pee on him, girl.
Jess: Yeah.
Cece: There you go.
Jess: I'm gonna go lift a leg on him.

Gavin: Now this varietal gained prominence in the '30s as an Italian driving wine. Now they call it a picnic wine, but we know what they're up to. But as they say, "Wine is fine, but bourbon is schwervin'." I think I got a buzz.
Nick: Yeah, me too. Hang on. Uh, you're gonna like this. [flips over a floorboard to grab a bottle]
Schmidt: How much hooch do you have stored in this place, you mountain person?
Nick: Prohibition happened once.
Nick and Gavin: It can happen again.
Nick: Yeah.
Gavin: It was pretty easy to see where you were going with that.
Schmidt: Look at the two of you. Bonding over the thing that numbs you. [Nick and Gavin laugh]

Schmidt: You guys are finally getting along. You were like, "We've been down this road."
Nick: It's great. I just want to check in. Y-You said you weren't gonna get sucked in, and it seems like you're getting sucked in.
Schmidt: Sucked in? I'm not getting sucked in. If anybody's getting sucked, it's just me sucking myself in. No, I know how that sounded.
Nick: Yeah.
Schmidt: But you, I mean you...
Nick: You good?
Schmidt: Yeah.

Nick: Hey, uh, Gavin, hold up. Um... I feel like I can say this to you because, well, you know, we shared a cup.
Gavin: You really live by a specific code.
Nick: Look, we both know how this is gonna go down, Gavin. You're gonna get Schmidt's expectations up, and then you're gonna bail.
Gavin: I know.
Nick: Just be better. Be his dad. Just be there for him, even when it's not fun, and sometimes it's really not fun. I know. I've been doing it for 15 years.
Gavin: Thank you.
Nick: Don't thank me. Just promise me if you show up for dinner tonight, you'll show up tomorrow and the day after and the week after, and basically forever.
Gavin: I will be there.
Nick: Will you, Gavin? Will you? Will you, Gavin?
Gavin: I will.
Nick: Will you? Will you, Gavin?
Gavin: You're really dragging this out.
Nick: No, I've already gone through everything I had rehearsed. I really thought the elevator would be here by now.
Gavin: We could talk about other stuff.
Nick: Can we, Gavin? Can we?
Gavin: Yeah.
Nick: Can we, Gavin? [elevator bell dings] Oh, thank God.