Bob Day: You know, it doesn't take a genius. All you got to do is follow the money.
Nick: Always follow the money. That's what I always say. You always follow the money.
Bob Day: Yeah, yeah. Oil companies.
Bob Day: Pharmaceuticals.
Bob Day: Big business, chicken corporations.
Both: Corn.

Nick: Oh, really? Is there another guy on Twilight, that there's a bit of a love triangle with?
Bob Day: Yes. It's the same as Twilight...
Nick: Does Twilight have a wolf in it?
Bob Day: Yes.
Nick: It does?
Bob Day: Yes.
Nick: Is Twilight in Seattle?
Bob Day: Yes!
Nick: Well, then whoever wrote that is smart.

Schmidt: Yeah, but know this, all right. Your caveman ideas about manhood are so over. Manhood today is about exfoliation.
Big Schmidt: Ha!
Schmidt: And cheese courses, and emotional honesty, and Paxil. And yes, cutting peppers in the classic style de julienne. You may have bested me in a competition of pre-Clinton manhood, but I am Schmidt. A refined and enlightened pescetarian. About 90% of the time.

Nick: I don't know if Jess has told you this, but I am writing a novel.
Bob Day: Oh, really?
Nick: Yeah.
Bob Day: What's it about?
Nick: It's about zombies.
Bob Day: Zombies?
Nick: And it's a relationship story. It has a great love story in there that could be made into a movie, I think.
Bob Day: The love story's between... whom?
Nick: The zombie and Carol.
Bob Day: Zombie and the-the... Carol is not a zombie? She's a regular person?
Nick: No, she's a rich girl.
Bob Day: Oh, so it's like the Twilight thing where...
Nick: It's not like the Twilight... No, it isn't.
Bob Day: Where the vampire falls in love with a regular person.
Nick: You don't really... you don't get it.
Bob Day: It's the same thing.

Cece: Well done, Jessica Day.
Jess: Pardon?
Cece: "My mom's coming at 9:00 a.m. and my dad's coming at 2:30."
Jess: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Cece: The movie you made me watch a million times.
Jess: Rocky IV?
Cece: Parent Trap.
Jess: What? I don't...
Cece: Mm-hmm.
Jess: Why would I do that? Parent Trap... crazy.

Joan Day: Just explain to me again why we're doing this.
Jess: Because, when Cece's all washed up as a model, she wants to be a makeup artist. And I want to help her realize her dreams.
Cece: Yeah, it's my plan B.
Joan Day: Okay, stop. Seriously, it's just too much. The makeup and-and your dress? The only reason I wear makeup in Portland is to keep the rain off my face.

Cece: Joan, I just want to say that I'm really happy that, you know, we got past all that.
Joan Day: Come here, Cece. Give my little girl drugs again... I will end you.

Bob Day: No, no, no, no, it was my mistake, it's my mistake. I'll wait five hours and come back when Joan's shift is up.
Joan Day: [o.s.] Bob, just stay. What if we need something ruined?
Jess: Mom!
Bob Day: It's all right, I'll spend my holiday at a Los Angeles coffee shop...
Jess: No...
Bob Day: sitting around with people who have nothing better to do on Thanksgiving than work on their screenplay. I probably won't want to blow my head off.

Bob Day: Seems like every time they want to move a team to Los Angeles, the team that's most likely to move here, the owner Al Davis...
Nick: Dead.
Bob Day: And then they talk to the, to the Ravens and their owner Art Modell...
Nick: dead.
Bob Day: Dead. You know what I mean? Who- Who's going to speak out for us, I mean, the voice of the NFL ... Steve Sabol? Dead.
Nick: Also dead.

Jess: Hey, Nick, what are you doing?
Nick: I don't know, Jessica. I'm a little bit confused. I think I'm into your mother.
Jess: What?!
Nick: I don't know how it happened.
Joan Day: In truth, it happens all the time, Nick.
Nick: I don't know if it's the sweet sounds of Jimmy Croce or the sweet smells of this turkey...