Nick: Nobody buys people cookies for no reason.
Winston: You still don't get it, do you?
Nick: Nobody.
Winston: That wasn't a cookie, damn it! That was a...
Nick: What?
Winston: Man, that was a piece of his heart. Now, if you don't mind, good... night.

Jess: I'm sorry, but in my defense, Nadia just spent an hour explaining to me how to drink vodka with my butt.
Cece: You just embarrassed me in front of my colleagues.
Jess: Are you kidding me? It's not like you work in the UN.
Cece: You judge me for being a model.
Jess: Yes, I do.
Cece: You always have.
Jess: It's your birthday, and you won't eat cake. Cece, you're better than that; you really are. I just... I just feel sorry for you sometimes.
Cece: You feel sorry for me? [hits Jess's boob]
Jess: You just hit me in the boob.
Cece: It was an accident.
Jess: It was not an accident.
Cece: Fine. It wasn't.

Nick: Well, guess who's not getting a turtle? They were out of turtles. I bought a tiny cowboy hat for nothing.

Nick: Oh, I thought we weren't talking.
Schmidt: We're not.
Nick: Then why do I hear words coming out that stupid hole in your face?
Schmidt: I'm a human being, and I'm entitled to my emotions.
Nick: Are you crying?
Schmidt: No.
Nick: Are you seriously crying, Schmidt?
Schmidt: I'm not crying.

Jess: How did you guys become friends? Was it an accident? Did you hit him with your car and you became his reluctant caretaker?
Nick: He lived in my freshman dorm. And one day, he was just there.

[flashback:]
Younger Nick: Hey, hey, whoa, man, what are you doing in here? That's my ramen.
Younger Schmidt: It's better this way.
Younger Nick: Y-You add water to it, you weirdo. It's not a dry treat, it's a soup. Who are you?
Younger Schmidt: Schmidt.
Younger Nick: You freak me out, man. This is cool. We got a good vibe going, man. You're a super weird guy. Hey, sit there while I throw things at you.
Younger Schmidt: Body slam!

Jess: I got mad at Cece for being a model.
Nick: It's a dumb thing to be.
Jess: We got in a boob fight. Feels like I fell forward on a treadmill.
Nick: I'm just gonna say this... I find that arousing, and let's move on.

Jess: I guess I was always disappointed with her for calling that lady. It's just, when I hear all the stuff about Cece's profession like, the dieting. It's crazy. And the butt drinking and the...
Nick: Did you say "butt drinking"?
Jess: Yeah.
Nick: You can't say "butt drinking" And then not explain what it is.
Jess: Yeah.
Nick: It has two of my four favorite things.

Schmidt: Well, Nick, I'm out of tears... plumb out. All that's left is just yellowish goo. That's right, Nick... goo.
Nick: [to Jess] That's a third of my life.

Jess: You know what, Cece? I'm so sorry about last night. I know that you're... [Cece gags] I know you're an intelligent person, and sometimes I just... [Cece gags] I just get mixed up, you know, And I think that you're like me. [Cece gags]