‘Models’
Season 2, Episode 5 - Aired October 23, 2012
Jess is upset when Cece decides to spend her birthday with her model friends instead of their usual Clueless viewing party. Meanwhile, Nick hurts Schmidt's feelings when he doesn't appreciate his friend buying him a cookie for no reason.
Quote from Nick
Jess: What the hell was that?
Nick: In March, I will have been living with Schmidt for ten years. I know that because he sent me an e-mail asking how I want to celebrate our "tin anniversary."
Quote from Cece
Cece: Don't, don't worry, I'm here. Just tell me where to stand and what we're selling. I'm gonna give it everything I got. [gags]
Man: I'm calling your agency. This is totally unprofessional.
Cece: Don't call my agency. Just tell me where to stand.
Man: Up on the spinning platform.
Cece: Yeah, I can't do that.
Quote from Jess
Jess: I'll do it.
Man: What?
Jess: I'm actually a model, too, mostly in Japan. Um, they call me Giggle Bangs Rice Bowl.
Man: I know you're lying and I just don't care. Get over to hair and makeup now.
Jess: Cool.
Quote from Schmidt
Nick: What's this?
Schmidt: Got you a cookie.
Nick: What, you have, like...? Have, like, an extra?
Schmidt: No.
Nick: So you just, like, got me a cookie?
Schmidt: Yeah, I was thinking about you.
Nick: What do you mean you were thinking about me?
Schmidt: What do you mean? I don't know. I was thinking about you. Think about you a lot, bro.
Nick: Why?
Schmidt: I don't know. Because you're my friend, you're on my mind. What, do you not think about me?
Nick: Of course not!
Schmidt: Oh.
Quote from Nick
Nick: Hey, do you think Jess would be mad if I got a turtle and named it Jess, even though I had that name picked out before she moved in?
Schmidt: A turtle?
Nick: Thinking man's best friend, Schmidty.
Schmidt: In our home? Over my turtle-disease-ridden dead body.
Nick: Whatever, dream killer.
Quote from Nick
Nick: Did you put shoe polish on your eyes? I never understand you women... God.
Schmidt: Eye shadow, man.
Nick: That's...? Oh, that's makeup? I would take that off. That looks crazy.
Quote from Nick
Nick: Schmidt? So, it turns out there's more than one type of turtle. I could go Eastern Box, or spur thighed, or nearsighted loner.
Schmidt: [grunts]
Nick: What was that? You just grunt at me?
Schmidt: Wasn't a grunt.
Nick: That was a grunt, Schmidt.
Schmidt: It was a "hurumph."
Nick: Hurumph.
Schmidt: I'm sorry if you took it the wrong way; it was not a grunt.
Nick: Serena Williams. That was a grunt.
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: It's all good, man, all right? It's all "smoove in the groove." Mellow, man. Mega-mellow.
Nick: Okay. Schmidt, what the hell are you doing?
Schmidt: You don't think about me?
Nick: What are you talking about? Earlier today, when I gave you the cookie, I heard very clearly, "I don't think about you, Schmidt."
Nick: Why would I think about you?!
Schmidt: Because we're friends, we're not animals.
Nick: We're men, Schmidt! The only time a man is allowed to think about another man is when that man is Jay Cutler.
Schmidt: I don't know who Jay Cutler is!
Nick: Why are you saying "Cutler" like that?
Schmidt: And I also don't know what is allowed in the Cold-Hearted Republic of Nick Miller, but I do know how I feel.
Nick: Ugh!
Quote from Jess
Jess: You know what? The dance is surprisingly sexual for a children's cracker.