Nick: When Schmidt was seven years old, his daddy divorced his mommy... [v.o.] And Schmidt was left without the love of a father. He didn't take it well. He began an endless cycle of crying and chocolate. Mrs. Schmidt tried everything to cheer him up, but nothing worked. Desperate, she looked to the stars. Movie stars. Mrs. Schmidt wrote that little fat loser a letter of support from the star of his favorite movie, Batman. But not the confusing new one. The good one, with Michael Keaton. And when Schmidt got his disgusting chubby hands on Keaton's letter, his life changed forever. But the real trouble was just beginning. You see, Schmidt wrote back. And he kept writing back about any problem he faced: bullies, schoolwork, public erections. And for every letter he sent, Michael Keaton sent one back.
Jess: Was Winston's version shorter?
Nick: Then one day, that tubby goon went off to college. So Mrs. Schmidt unloaded the secret on her son's only friend, a man named me. It was me.
Jess: Yeah, I got that.
Nick: Really? People don't
Jess: No, I got it.
Nick: College proved tough for Schmidt, and old patterns soon returned. It became impossible to study, and I knew what I had to do. And again... It worked. With Keaton in his corner, he pulled himself away from that bag of turkey and became a man. He lost five pounds, gained confidence with women and he saw the hit movie Multiplicity 25 times.